It saddens me that this has had 22 views and has yet to be commented on once! I really love this poem and I think it's definitely going to make your mom proud to read it =] You're very talented and I really liked it. It flows well and the unknighted thing isn't a big deal, at least not for me. As for criticism... I don't really have any, I was too wrapped up in it to really notice anything. So job well done =]
Hi! I really liked this poem, but there were points where the rhythm seemed to break slightly. These were few and far between, but thy're a definate problem:
NafeCT wrote:You’ve forgotten your rate.
NafeCT wrote:No more will you be unnoticed.
Other than that, I was struggling to find any nitpicks. You have a good sense of rhythm, and an interestng take on life. Well done! Keep writing!
I've learned so much from people who never existed - Unknown
A very nice idea for a poem you have here and sweetly written, I'm sure your family will be very proud. I do have a few suggestions, however. I think you could extend a few of the lines so that they flow better and add in just a little more detail because at the moment it's quite surface deep if you know what I mean and it would be really nice to delve right into it and get some real depth. Here's a few comments which will hopefully convey what I mean:
Vertical in your forgiving aura, [This is a strange description and I think you could write a stronger first line. I think forgiving aura is nice, if a little vague, but I can't make much sense of vertical. What image did you want to give there? If you wanted to give the impression of height, you should perhaps have used a word like aerial, soaring, elevated.] Halo over your head Value them but not yourself, [This line is a little too fragmented. Remember, poetry should flow. It should be like prose and you only cut words out when it's to aid the flow, not just because it feels like poetry should be shorter so here you'd be better off with, 'You value others but not yourself' or something along those lines.] You’ve forgotten your rate. [Not sure about the use of rate. I think worth would be better.] Tears upon your pillow, Please no longer weep. [Slow down and cover these images more. You're jumping around too much from one point to another.] For I see what you do for these, No more will you be unnoticed. A soldier in the war of love, Legionnaire left undefined, Achiever left unknighted, A martyr waiting to die. Fighter for your loved ones, Carrier of human life, Angel with amazing grace, Heroine of mankind. [I like these but rather than use all these titles, choose one or two and go into more detail.] It seems all have forgotten but let them remember now Oh the wonderful worth of a woman, standingup tall and proud.
A nice ending and in general a lovely poem. These comments will perhaps be more useful in helping you better crafting your future poem as you may not want to edit one that's so personal. Either way, I wish you the best of luck,
Thank you for the positivity. To Heather; thanks for the tips!! I'm glad you noticed and respected how personal this poem was so thank you for that. I will definitely use your tips in future poems. Thanks for the constructive criticism, I'll take evrything you've said into consideration. I really do want to make my poetry better. If you have anything else to say on my other pieces, please don't hesitate =)
Nafe X
A writer is someone who finds writing more diffucult than everyone else.-Not quite sure who said this but it's kinda true don't you think.
That was some good poetry. It had all the qualities of a world class poem--nice rhythm, no difficult words, the capacity to drive people to thoughts. Though I don't believe I've yet reached to the level where I can advise other writers about how they should go with their work, I feel if you if you tried to rhyme random lines in the poem, it would be great. Some people forge random rhyming lines together and call it a poem--I'm one of them--but I have full faith in you, you give an impression of a great writer/poet.
Keep writing!
