Torturous sin

I swore to myself that I'd never let it in.
The demon, the devil, the torturous sin.
The thing that would beat me, and listen to my cries.
And do nothing but kill me, and watch me die.
Just once I promised myself once again.
Only will I drink this torturous sin.
Once was lie, I could not longer count,
The times that I let this demon come out.
I could ignore him for a while, but then he would smile.
His gaze I would remember for miles.
He'd tell me "It's fun, common let me in"
I would try to ignore it, this ignorant sin.
But he'd stay at my door for hours on end.
Until finally, finally I let him come in.
I would kick him out, and cry at myself.
Why had I ever let this demon come out?
But now I'm addicted, he says he'll never leave.
Always, always he'll be a tease.
So I sit here waiting, breaking my promise.
Knowing I'm loosing to this torturous sin,
Who I should have never, ever let it.

This is a very thoughtful and well written poem! I like the whole tone of regret and remorse, with a little bit of anger mixed in. It's a very believable and relatable emotion, and the images to go with it are good as well. Let me begin with my details....

I really like the rhyme scheme. It's a playful, almost little kids poem type pf scheme, which is juxtaposed alongside this whole theme of demons and sin. I don't know if that was intentional, but feel free to take credit! haha. it also helps the poem flow very easily from beginning to end. It's easy to read, easy to follow. Well done there.

I love the whole recurring theme of the demon representing sin. This is a good way to personify it, like you've given in to an evil creature within you and not just a vice. This helps even more to, forgive the pun, demonize the sinful desires.

Now on the improvement side, there are just a couple things, but definitely hear me out. Firstly, it might help a little bit if you were more specific as to what the act was that gave in to the sin. I think it was drinking (?), but I'm not positive. SO just maybe make it a little more clear. Also, I think there could stand to be a little more physical imagery. Like maybe give the demon an appearance, or the narrator some physical reactions to what's going on. Just for the sake of communicating emotion and tone more easily. Let the narrator act what they're feeling and thinking. Just a couple of things to consider. (:

In all, I liked this poem a lot, and there's a lot of good to be said for it. Think about what I said, edit it if you see the need, and I bet it'll be even better. If you ever need another review, or just a kind word, I'm always reachable through a PM or a comment!
- SOCKS

Hello there,

I personally liked this not just for the emotional impact it creates on the reader but because you were inventive in subject choice, you displayed this poem well, you made it a good length and it's an amazing piece of poetry. This poem is strong and powerful and really digs deep into the dark, gloomy thoughts of regret. In this poem though I would consider posing question some where in the middle to really get people to start thinking about this and start to make them more curious. Overall though I genuinely thought this was excellent.

From CuteJackRussell

Hello,

Your poem flowed brilliantly, you used the right words: powerful, not weak. You also have a really cool metaphor. However, I'm not sure I would know what this 'torturous sin' is if I hadn't read the description in front. I think that maybe you need to have hint what the torturous sin is a bit more.

Also, spotted one tiny mistake:

hayley10019 wrote:He'd tell me "It's fun, common let me in"

I'm thinking that common was meant to be come on. Or com'on. Or something similar.

Other than that, nothing wrong with it really. Keep up the good writing!