Ardently

Gender

Points 7297

Reviews 156

Tue May 03, 2011 12:11 am

KatTrain says... · Tue May 03, 2011 12:11 am

There was a truce in your hands,
nails blue, soothing my inflamed skull
while snow drift conversations blew into my eyes.

I found myself in the winters of our youth,
face down, hands frozen to your cross.
Because I was at the punch line of society,
(though you were ardent and held my
hand until I’d reached the register)

Forget your Jesus complex,
I was fucked the moment I laid eyes
on those dark tresses and tawny skin.

You’re too stupid to realize
that I’ve been crucified!
You keep whispering,
“I love you” and
running your fingers through my hair.

So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....

Quote

fireheartedkaratepup

Gender

Points 5081

Reviews 270

Tue May 03, 2011 3:48 am

fireheartedkaratepup says... · Tue May 03, 2011 3:48 am

I think I might love this, but I'm not sure.

There was a truce in your hands,
nails blue, soothing my inflamed skull
while snow drift conversations blew into my eyes.

Hmm. This is beautifully written, though I think the language makes it partially go over my head. Just a bit.

I found myself in the winters of our youth,
face down, hands frozen to your cross.

What cross? (I do like how you carried on with the winter/snow analogy here.)

Because I was at the punch line of society,
(though you were ardent and held my
hand until I’d reached the register)

Register? What? Do you mean the register to get his ticket punched? I mean, that would go along with the "punch line of society" theme you have in this stanza.

Forget your Jesus complex,
I was fucked the moment I laid eyes
on those dark tresses and tawny skin.

Yeahhhhh..... I have yet to experience this myself, but I've heard it a lot.

You don't make it cliche, though-- it's more a "Daaang, I am done for" kinda thing.

And oh yeah-- Jesus complex? What? How do we know she has a Jesus complex? (I assume from the descriptions that it's a she.)

((Ohhh, waiiiit..... that' my hair, not your hair. My bad.))

(((Is it a she?)))

You’re too stupid to realize
that I’ve been crucified!

By their looooove? ;3

You keep whispering,
“I love you” and
running your fingers through my hair.

Wait. Is the speaker a girl? I'm confused now. Running fingers through the hair, when in something romantic, usually indicates that the runnee is a girl. However, I am aware that it could be a boy. (Is this based on personal experience? Just curious.)

Overall, this was really good. Your wording is beautiful, and you have a unique way of describing things that somehow manages to combine the elegant and the crude. (The use of an f-bomb, the nature of..... attraction, are often considered crude.)

And I was really looking for things to nitpick, so don't worry about it. ;3

"Ok, Lolpup. You can be a girl worth fighting for."
--Pengu

Quote

eldEr

Gender

Points 14918

Reviews 384

Wed May 04, 2011 1:55 am

eldEr says... · Wed May 04, 2011 1:55 am

Hi Kat! Here to review as requested! ^^

I'm going to apologize in advance, because there really isn't that much I can say about this - so the review may be short.

I'll start off by saying that this poem was definitely a bit different, which is very much a good thing. There were, however, a few things that I didn't like about it. Number one being that it was extremely, extremely vague in a few aspects. I got that this person, a lover, maybe? seemed like a savior at first - like you said, they seemed to have a Jesus complex. This was definitely a point of interest, because I haven't seen it done before. Not that I remember anyways - and not quite like this.

But the part about the register was a bit... sluggish. I didn't see how it quite fit with the rest of the poem.

My only real advice here would be to take what you have, and maybe expand on it a little bit more? Add a few sprinklings of something that help tie it all in together a bit more.

Other than that, I really did like this poem - the ending especially. And oh gosh, this review was probably one of the worst I've done in a long time. xD I apologize for that.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?

Quote

HostofHorus

Gender

Points 1707

Reviews 84

Wed May 04, 2011 8:51 pm

HostofHorus says... · Wed May 04, 2011 8:51 pm

Hey there Kat! Splendid day to fulfill a request! Thank your for the chance.

So, grammar. I don't got anything. It was pretty much immaculate in that part, so kudos to you.

Suggestions/Questions: I agree with anime, I was a little confuzled when I got to the "Jesus Complex" part. Now that could be my approach to religion in general acting up, but I don't know, maybe explain it? Just a suggestion.

Likes: I have a lot to say here. I loved the word choice. It was truly marvelous. Some of my favorite parts include:

There was a truce in your hands,
nails blue, soothing my inflamed skull
while snow drift conversations blew into my eyes.

I found myself in the winters of our youth,
face down, hands frozen to your cross.
Because I was at the punch line of society,
(though you were ardent and held my
hand until I’d reached the register)

It was good. Another thing I was particularly fond of, was the emotion you managed to evoke. I do think this was partially due to your use of language, but yeah. It was great, especially the way it build up. So again, kudos.

Overall: Strong, smart, interesting, great, poem. Those are just a few of the words I can use to describe your poem. Good job. Keep writing, let me know if you ever want another a review. Next time, promise to give something I actually get to correct.

(Kidding, I like it more when people are already great! It leaves very little to do on my part!) In any case, if you have any questions, let me know!

-HostofHorus

HostofHorus Author, Poet, Dreamer, and Expressionist.
http://JRSStories.com
Stories Poems © As of January 1st 2014

Need a review? Feel free to ask me!

Quote

Kale

Gender

Points 72525

Reviews 1220

Thu May 05, 2011 1:11 am

Kale says... · Thu May 05, 2011 1:11 am

There was a truce in your hands,
nails blue, soothing my inflamed skull
while snow drift conversations blew into my eyes.

This stanza caught my eye right away, and I liked how you expanded on the image of "a truce in your hands" by showing them being soothing. My only quibble with this stanza is that I'm pretty sure "snowdrift" should be one word. "Snow drift" evokes more of an action of flakes of snow drifting as they fall rather than piles of snow that have been blown by the wind. I can see "snow drift" working, but it doesn't quite feel right with how you currently have the line structured.

You have another case of one word split into two with "punch line". As animekaratepup pointed out, a punch line is a line you stand in to punch in and out of something (usually work). A punchline, on the other hand, is the point of a joke, which I think was the meaning you intended.

Even though a single space might not seem like much, it really alters the meaning and perception of your poem as poetry is so condensed, every single piece within it counts for so much more than in other writing forms. As such, taking extra pains to make sure that everything is formatted and placed properly never hurts.

Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR

Quote

Fortissimo

Gender

Points 2427

Reviews 51

Fri May 06, 2011 3:08 pm

Fortissimo says... · Fri May 06, 2011 3:08 pm

Hey, I really liked this poem, I guess I will start off with that(:

There was a truce in your hands,
nails blue, soothing my inflamed skull comma,
while snow drift conversations blew into my eyes.

You used punctuation throughout, so I would recommend a comma and the end of the second line. I really liked the descriptive words used in this stanza- "inflamed skull," "snow drift conversations."

I found myself in the winters of our youth,
face down, hands frozen to your cross.
Because I was at the punch line of society,
(though you were ardent and held my
hand until I’d reached the register)

I don't know that the parentheses are a good idea in the poem. I suggest taking them out and leaving it be.

Forget your Jesus complex,
I was fucked the moment I laid eyes
on those dark tresses and tawny skin.

Again with the adjectives, words like "tawny" and "tresses."

You’re too stupid to realize
that I’ve been crucified!
You keep whispering,
“I love you” and
running your fingers through my hair.

Crucified with love, awww(:

Keep writing!!!!! ~Fortiiii

Live Life. Love Life. Be A Writer. YWS(:

All we are saying is give peace a chance.
~John Lennon
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
~John Lennon

http://www.charitywater.org/

Quote

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources