The Wood's five senses

HEy ya'll! more poetry to be torn apart by you, my family have fun! (sniff is my least favorite and the one that was hardest to figure out )


dedicated to SeanyBear (eldermimmi)
The Wood’s five senses

Shhh…

Can you hear it?
The whisper of the wind as it blows through the trees,
Singing a lullaby to lull the fairies in the trees to sleep.

Look…
Can you see it?

The sun dappling the moss, spots of dark and light,
Together in harmony.

The leaves falling like rain from their branches,
Twirling in their little dances down to the ground.

And if you look,
You can see the sun-beams and grass dancing together in the wind.

Touch…
Can you feel it?

The velvetiness of the grass,
Soothes even the most travel-worn toes,
Making them young and soft again.

Taste…
Can you savor it?

Can you feel the wind dance on your tongue?
It whistle like a steam engine around your mouth,
Delighting your taste buds.

Sip the nectar from the flowers,
The honey slipping down your throat,
Sweet and clean.

Sniff…
Can you smell it?
The trees soft woodsy smell,
The mosses velvet scent.

Sniff the perfume of the roses,
That grows on the edge,
Wild and un-tamed.

This is the woods 5 senses.

Umm

Let me say, I think this is a really creative idea here. The whole poem is personifying the woods with five senses like people have. And you've depicted all the senses very well. Let's see what I like....

The velvetiness of the grass,
Soothes even the most travel-worn toes,
Making them young and soft again.

I really love this passage right here. It speaks to the rejuvenating power of simple things like grass, and how it can heal and renew. This is a really good touch sense.

Overall, I like how you begin each passage with a question to address the sense. Look, hear, taste, it all works well. I really like the passage about taste too. With the nectar, oh man, I was getting a sweet tooth reading it!

Just a few nitpicky things: firstly, take a look at the line breaks and how you space it out. Some of them didn't seem all that together cause of weird line breaks in the middle and all. Try to keep the lines about the same idea together, and the poem will flow more easily. Second, you might want to consider a word different than wood for the title; it took me a moment when I was reading to realize that you meant forest and not something like a log, haha. Just an idea to think about, you don't have to change it at all if you so desire.

In all, I really like the images and the mood of the poem. It's very well done, and I think you're a wonderful writer to have put it all together If you ever desire another review or kind word, feel free to drop me a line!
- SOCKS

Hi, DramaLlama. This poem... dah, you killed me! Beautifully worded! I could imagine everything as I read it. Now I'm happy!

Nitpicks:

DramaLlama wrote:Shhh…
-Delete this space- D8
Can you hear it?
-Insert that space here- xD
The whisper of the wind as it blows through the trees,
Singing a lullaby to lull the fairies in the trees to sleep.

That space is out of place, and it was driving me nuts 'cause the poem wasn't uniform. xD

DramaLlama wrote:The whisper of the wind as it blows through the trees,
Singing a lullaby to lull the fairies in the trees to sleep.

You used the word "trees" twice in the same stanza. It sounds repetitive. You can replace any of those for something else that might as well make it flow.
Example:
The whisper of the wind as it blows through the branches and leaves,
Singing a lullaby to lull the fairies in the trees to sleep.

Amazing Job! Keep writing!

~Solvy <3

Hi, Lammal!

I'm here as directed. I enjoy the concept of your poem, and you have some very lovely imagery going on here. However, I think you're pulled back drastically by the form you've chosen. I think the very repetitive "Sense/Can you..." should go entirely, it's really unnecessary as we get what you're doing very clearly from the images you're using. I also think the initial "shh" can go, it doesn't add anything to your poem and nothing is damaged when it's taken away.

Your strophes would do better if you put them together (as a section each) rather than having couplets or the like. Let your reader make some of the connections. We're bright people and we'll fill in those simple gaps you've got here. The last line is too telling, too much of a summary for us. We already know, because that's what you've described and it's in your title.

You have a good base here but it needs some work, just a bit of editing to pull it together into a cohesive work. I look forward to seeing your end result!

- Penguin.

Hey there pointe! So, I think that you have a nice piece here. You have a good tone and obviously know what you want to do, so that's good.

Now, for the critiques. I think that the inconsistencies of your piece bothered me most, though I have a couple of other things. I'll start with those to get them off my chest. xD
There were a couple of inconsistencies I want to discuss.

First off: sentence structure and intent.

Can you hear it?
The whisper of the wind as it blows through the trees,
Singing a lullaby to lull the fairies in the trees to sleep.

This structure that you start off with begins with a question and then lead with a fragmented sentence. First off, I'd recommend making the voice active here to remove the fragment because it's easy to be distracted from. We need something going on to keep our attention. If you aren't going to do that, you'd better have a strong voice to keep us in. Right now, the world you're creating isn't strong enough to hold us without making something happen.
See, I'd say that the big thing in writing that keeps a reader well is PEOPLE. People are what make things important. Think about it: if you read a story in which you follow someone in their daily life, just knowing their thoughts, it's a fascinating process, isn't it? It holds your attention. You want to know how they'll react, what they'll feel. It's the want to relate to other people. It's part of being human. Now, when you completely leave out a human aspect, you need to make up for it with a very, very strong piece with a strong voice and something to hold us. Unfortunately, this poem does not yet have that. Anyways. Back to the inconsistencies.
As I said, the above structure is a question followed by a fragmented sentence.
However, in your very structured poem, you change further down, halfway through.

Can you feel it?

The velvetiness of the grass,
Soothes even the most travel-worn toes,
Making them young and soft again.

Now, first off, I don't believe that "velvetiness" is a word-- if you wanted, you could probably slip a metaphor in there to replace it. But, my point about structure: here, you begin with a question, and then have a three lined sentence that is not a fragment. Personally, I think this is better than having a fragmented one, though I have to wonder why you've punctuated it the way you have. (I'll get to that in a bit though)
Changing structure in a poem like this, I would say, is a big no-no. You've developed a pattern we expect to be followed, and I was really surprised when you didn't. There were a couple of extra lines thrown in here and there, but otherwise there was structure. This just made the structure feel repetitive in a free-verse style of poem. I would encourage you to do either free-verse or structured and write it completely in that manner.


Now, punctuation. You've punctuated this in a bit of an odd way, and it makes your poem kind of difficult to read because what you want is a really nice soft rhythm to aid your tone, but the way it's done is jarring, almost fragmented feeling. I would recommend ridding of the capital letters at the beginning of each line, and punctuating this as you would a prose piece. This makes it much smoother and natural for the reader, which will definitely help your piece grab that tone a bit more. Right now, I can feel it struggling to be soft and lovely, but it falls flat. Try playing with this instead, and it should help.

My next point: description and imagery. You obviously have a lot of description words and adjectives. However, I would encourage you to move away from those and instead use imagery. The difference between these to things is actually quite simple. Description usually consists of saying something like this:

Sip the nectar from the flowers,
The honey slipping down your throat,
Sweet and clean.

Now, this is nice sounding. It's pretty, it's simple. But it doesn't offer much. You could definitely play on these, introduce some metaphors or similes or something, and it would sound much better. I'll type up a quick example for the sake of having one with a different type of imagery, but please keep in mind that this is spur of the moment and likely to be terrible. xD
Imagery:

Tip back tea to our throats from
cream petals and sweet bee honey,
soft on your throat.

Now, again, my example is awful, but the difference is there. One focuses on the object at hand, flowers and honey, and provides adjectives. However, there is no figurative language. The second has adjectives as well, but creates another image while keeping true to the original thought.


Now, my next point. I feel like you've really limited yourself with this structure. This feels like a school assignment or something; let it loose. Not just structurally, but with your language too. Your language dictates how natural something feels, no matter the structure. Some sonnets, for example, are extremely structured in metre and rhyme and everything, but the language itself feels natural. Allow yourself to do that a bit here. Also, don't tie everything up at the bottom in that manner that you have; it feels extremely formal and makes it end on the tone that an essay would. We don't need a conclusion; allow us a bit of thought in your poetry, and we'll love you for it. Okay. Tried to keep that one a bit more concise.

I do think that this has potential; just look out for "telling" rather than "showing" and allow us a bit of thought in your poetry. Good job, overall. Let me know if you have any questions, and I'd be more than happy to answer them.