hey! I wrote this just yesterday. It's not hard to guess what it's about (but for those who can't guess, it's about bad mother -daughter relationships and broken homes that nobody knows about). Hope you enjoy! Please review.



I can't hack this water straight off my back,
Take what you say and try to act,
Rutheless and shameless, no more talkin' back,
Smile in undisputed cover as I await attack.

Like you don't already get inside my head,
And dance around, makin' me wish I was dead,
So you can scream into my face and tell me I'm stupid,
Thinkin' you can scare me, that if you say to do somethin' I'll do it.

But you don't get me, I feel I want you to fear me,
So you think the worst of me, tough 'cause I can stand on my own feet,
You think I haven't seen what you've seen,
Or have I been there a million times, is that what you mean?

Heck, I've been there more than a million times,
And seen it again times ten at the back of my mind,
re-run it, re-think it, until I remember the day like it was never left behind.

The bruises are on my heart where I can't fix them,
So I sit and cry, prayin' in my own safe sanctum,
Before you come in here for a second round,
And then I take my fist through the wall and stamp on the ground.

Because if you could walk in my shoes for a day,
You'd hear me think about things you'd never hear me say,
Because for way too long I've been scared,
You were never home and it showed you didn't care.

I'll take it like a bullet to a soldiers chest,
Where it doesn't scratch the surface and I can rest,
With yet another weight on my shoulders,
Pull my chin up, like the rest of the world told us.

Act like the regular happy girl,
But underneath the covering layer hides a downwards whirl,
It's like you control everything I do and say,
And I act like it's nothin', I dust off low profile and wear it everyday.

The weight is breakin' my neck and I wanna die,
But that doesn't matter to you 'cause when I hide,
You get to keep your stainless apron on ,
And continue claiming to the rest of the world that you're a good mom.

I can't hack this water straight off my back,
Take what you say and try to act,
Rhutheless and shameless, no more talkin' back, - ruthless
Smile in undesputed cover as I await attack. - undisputed
- I love this stanza!
Like you don't already get inside my head,
And dance around, makin' me wish I was dead,
So you can scream into my face and tell me I'm stupid,
Thinkin' you can scare me, that if you say to do somethin' I'll do it.

But you don't get me,
So you think the worst of me,
You think I haven't seen anything that you've seen,
Or have I been there a million times, is that what you mean? - the rhythm's a little off but it's alright.

Heck, I've been there more than a million times,
And seen it again times ten at the back of my mind,
re-run it, re-think it, until I remember the day like it was never left behind.

The bruises are on my heart where I can't fix them,
So I sit and cry, prayin' in my own safe sanctum,
Before you come in here for a second round,
And then I take my fist through the wall and stamp on the ground.

Because if you could walk in my shoes for a day,
You'd hear me think about things you'd never hear me say,
Because for way too long I've been scared,
You weren't there and you didn't care.

I'll take it like a bullet to a soldiers chest,
Where it doesn't scratch the surface and I can rest,
With yet another weight on my shoulders,
Pull my chin up, like the rest of the world told us.

Act like the regular happy girl,
But underneath the covering layer hides a downwards whirl, it's better if it's 'downward' to show the direction and so that it's not in the present tense.
It's like you control everything I do and say,
And I act like it's nothin', I dust off low profile and wear it everyday.

The weight is breakin' my neck and I wanna die,
But that doesn't matter to you 'cause when I hide,
You get to keep your stainless apron on ,
And continue claiming to the rest of the world that you're a good mom.

Very well written besides the mistakes I'd pointed out. Happy writing!

Hey there flow here!

I liked your poem, but it really stopped at that. I mean you had a good story, and the big words that look good. I think it could have used some more metaphors in it. It is also a bit long. I liked the stanza where you talked about dancing around in your head.

The only thing that I noticed other than that is that you have little to no flow here. It doesn't all connect and that is key in a poem. Other than that this is lovely.

-Flow-

Over-all, I really did enjoy this poem, and I have very few nit-picks for it.

I can't hack this water straight off my back, (This sounds kind of...Awkward, for some reason. Maybe its just me.)
Take what you say and try to act,
Rhutheless (Ruthless) and shameless, no more talkin' back,
Smile in undesputed (UnDISputed) cover as I await attack.

Like you don't already get inside my head,
And dance around, makin' me wish I was dead,
So you can scream into my face and tell me I'm stupid,
Thinkin' you can scare me, that if you say to do somethin' I'll do it.

But you don't get me,
So you think the worst of me,
You think I haven't seen anything (Maybe change this to the things you've seen?) that you've seen,
Or have I been there a million times, is that what you mean?

Heck, I've been there more than a million times,
And seen it again times ten (Possibly change it from times ten to ten times, though you don't have to) at the back of my mind,
re-run it, re-think it, until I remember the day like it was never left behind.

The bruises are on my heart where I can't fix them,
So I sit and cry, prayin' in my own safe sanctum,
Before you come in here for a second round,
And then I take my fist through the wall and stamp on the ground.

Because if you could walk in my shoes for a day,
You'd hear me think about things you'd never hear me say,
Because for way too long I've been scared,
You weren't there and you didn't care.

I'll take it like a bullet to a soldiers chest,
Where it doesn't scratch the surface and I can rest,
With yet another weight on my shoulders,
Pull my chin up, like the rest of the world told us.

Act like the regular happy girl,
But underneath the covering layer hides a downwards whirl,
It's like you control everything I do and say,
And I act like it's nothin', I dust off low profile and wear it everyday. (I LOVE this stanza. It seems like a lot of girls feel this way now.)

The weight is breakin' my neck and I wanna die,
But that doesn't matter to you 'cause when I hide,
You get to keep your stainless apron on ,
And continue claiming to the rest of the world that you're a good mom.

It showed a lot of emotion, and really gave the read an insight look to what they might not have seen/experienced before.

I like the idea behind it. I feel like over all it's a bit too long. I know what you're going through though, and in that way it is very relatable. I feel like sometimes you used words just because they rhymed and for this reason the story was a bit out of focus. Over all though, great! Keep it up!

This was beautiful! And I think a lot more people can relate to it than you would think, even if they don't realize it. You're truly an amazing poetry writer. I have nothing negative to say about it at all!

I love how your stanzas were not only long, but also consistent. They all had the same number of lines and your style was great! Style on poetry is usually what I always attack first when I review it, but I have nothing to say about your style except that you did a great job and it was perfect.

Keep writing!

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:I can't hack this water straight off my back, Ruthless and shameless, no more talkin' back,
Take what you say and try to act,
Rutheless and shameless, no more talkin' back,
Smile in undisputed cover as I await attack.

Like you don't already get inside my head,
And dance around, makin' me wish I was dead,
So you can scream into my face and tell me I'm stupid,
Thinkin' you can scare me, that if you say to do somethin' I'll do it.

But you don't get me, I feel I want you to fear me, But you don't get me; I feel I want you to fear me,
So you think the worst of me, tough 'cause I can stand on my own feet,
You think I haven't seen what you've seen,
Or have I been there a million times, is that what you mean?

Heck, I've been there more than a million times,
And seen it again times ten at the back of my mind,
re-run it, re-think it, until I remember the day like it was never left behind.

The bruises are on my heart where I can't fix them,
So I sit and cry, prayin' in my own safe sanctum,
Before you come in here for a second round,
And then I take my fist through the wall and stamp on the ground.

Because if you could walk in my shoes for a day,
You'd hear me think about things you'd never hear me say,
Because for way too long I've been scared,
You were never home and it showed you didn't care.

I'll take it like a bullet to a soldiers chest, I'll take it like a bullet to a soldier’s chest,
Where it doesn't scratch the surface and I can rest,
With yet another weight on my shoulders,
Pull my chin up, like the rest of the world told us.

Act like the regular happy girl,
But underneath the covering layer hides a downwards whirl,
It's like you control everything I do and say,
And I act like it's nothin', I dust off low profile and wear it everyday. And I act like it's nothin', I dust off low profile and wear it every day.

The weight is breakin' my neck and I wanna die,
But that doesn't matter to you 'cause when I hide,
You get to keep your stainless apron on ,
And continue claiming to the rest of the world that you're a good mom.

I'm sorry for the crappy review. But I do not have any more problem with the poem.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:

Hey. i thought this was brill. I can just feel the emotion in this piece. I don't think I have any critisisms about this. It was beautifully written.

Keep writing-good luck

JJxVoodo

This was really nicely done. I think a lot of people can relate to it, and I love the long stanzas. Probobly one of my favorite YWS poems, partly because I can relate to it. ^_^

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:I'll take it like a bullet to a soldiers chest,
Where it doesn't scratch the surface and I can rest,
With yet another weight on my shoulders,
Pull my chin up, like the rest of the world told us.

^This was my favorite stanza.^

I thought that at times, it flowed really nicely with the ryhmes, and then it just kinda stopped. Maybe try and give it a little more flow. I liked the way you made it have a sort of rap-twist to it.

Otherwise, I thought you did a great job! *likes*

~Teardrop

Hello! Sorry if I repeat anything that's been previously said, but if I read other people's comments I might not review anything for fear of not saying anything new!

I don't think I've ever said this about a poem on YWS before, but this sounds sort of like a rap - with the AABB rhyming scheme and AAAA (sort of) scheme right at the beginning. But I think that the lines are sometimes so long that they don't flow very well. The casual sound of it with abbreviated words like "makin'" etc, makes it sound kind of casual and rappy and the subject matter sort of made the whole thing remind me of Eminem a little bit. It's very emotional though, which is good. You have a good way of expressing yourself and it's a very honest poem, and art should be honest, so awesome. So maybe doesn't flow as well as it could, but I think it's good otherwise.

I adored the story to this poem, but the flow was really off. I also felt like it was less like a poem and more like someone talking to themselves. The stanzas felt off,and it was missing something. Over all this was ok, but it may be better off it was written as a story.