Love is Ignorance (Prologue)

Spoiler

Spoiler Allert!
Copyright Info:I hope you really enjoy this new novel but this is a rewrite of a story I have heard- so this is not original I did not make it, I only rewrote/retold it. Please enjoy. Rated 12 and up for mild language and mild violence.

Prologue:

"Hey, um Dad?" I spoke casually, hoping that he would not pay attention and would dismiss me to do whatever I wanted. "Caroline is having a party tonight, and um, I was wondering if I could go?" I muttered the last word lightly and carefully. Ever since my mother died seven years ago, my father has been sensitive about me leaving the house, even to go to school. He had to drive me back and forth, he wouldn't even get me a car when I passed drivers ed a few years ago.
I crossed the kitchen to get a towel for the dishes I washed as my father sat up from the small dining table and scowled at me.

"Of course not, Cassandra! Why would you ask me such thing at a time like this?" Daddy had accidently called me by my mothers name...again. And I don't even look like her!

My older brother, Jesse, looked up from the tiles on the floor and said, "Come on, I had to go to the grocery store."

"I never want you to leave Annie alone again! Something could have happened while you were gone!" he yelled at the twenty year old sitting at the table.

"Annie is old enough to stay home alone." he mocked. "You wanted her to stay home and I needed food, chill."

"Chill!" Dad scoffed. "Chill? Yeah, sure, why don't I chill? Because we have the whole God-forsaken mob after us, Jesse!"

"Dad, it's been seven years..."

"Yeah, but it was two when your mother was killed!" he yelled passionatly.

"Daddy," I pleaded. "please. Caroline's mom is a cop. She'll watch me. Can I go this one time?" my eyes watered.

Dad always softened up when I started crying. "Oh, sweetie." he turned to Jesse and frowned. "Okay. You may go. Just be safe." Before he could say safe I screamed.

"Oh eem gee!" I grabbed my jacket and ran out the door.

"Be back by ten!" he yelled after me.

"Thank you thank you thank you!" I yelled as I walked down the steps. "I love you!" I blew a kiss to him and rushed down to the bus stop.

Jesse turned to Dad. "Dad, did you call Erik?" He whispered as he listened to the footsteps in the hallway.

"He said he could be here in two hours at the earliest..." Dad opened the cupboard, reaching behind the sugar and flour, he pulled out two small hand guns and passed one to Jesse.

"Dad," Jesse swallowed, "are we gonna die?"

"Jesse, don't-"

"Tonight, ends the battle... but what will they do if they find Annie?" Jesse questioned.

Dad shook his head, "Who gives a damn? Erik was raised as a killer, he'll finish them off and hide Annie away." he replied confidently.

"I do appreciate a good murder mystery, don't you?" They could hear Marcus laugh hysterically.

"Let us just finish them off and burn the remains so that nobody will ever..." Victor opened the door and smiled wickedly. "Well isn't it our friends, the Carltons."

"What do you want Victor?" Jesse demamded bravely.

"You know what I want." Victor snapped. "But I will settle for precious little Annie."

"When hell freezes over." Dad cocked his gun. "Twice."


*****

I calmly walked up the steps of the house when I toppled over my own feet.

"Umph!" My foot slid across the pavement as blood squerted out of my knee. I cursed at my clumsiness and got off of my hands and knees. My bloody palms gripped the door knob and I stepped inside.

The bright lights overwhelmed me as I walked into the kitchen.

"Dad, Jesse?" I called. I glanced over at the clock when fear crept through my spine.

10:54 it blinked in neon green.

"Dad." I whispered quietly as I reached into the drawers under the counters and pulled out Neosporin and a band-aid. I propped my foot up on the countertop and pulled up my skinny jeans to squeeze the tube of Neosporin onto my knee. Dad is gonna kill me! I was supposed to come home an hour ago and now he is gonna make us move for the hundreth time! I am seriously not enjoying life right now.

"Jesse? Are you guys awake?" I spoke a little louder. Oh please God, let him forgive me, I thought as I unraveled the band-aid. I'm too young to die, I've only just turned nineteen this week. Caroline even invited most of our last years senior year to my surprise party.

Suddenly the lights went off.

"Daddy, Jesse?" I let out a frightened scream into the pitch black darkness as a hand gripped my throat.

"Well, hello little missy." The face of a blond haired man appeared. "Victor! Look who I found." He pushed me against the wall, with his large hands he picked up the golden cross hanging on a chain around my neck. "Are you a religious person?" he questioned.

"Yes." I replied. "God will save me, no matter what you do, and he will forgive you for what you are about to do."

"And your parents are not Christian?" His chuckle was hollow.

"No, they disapprove of it." I told him.

"What should we do with her?" The man named Victor walked in from the hallway and looked at me with disgust. "Maybe what we did to her mother." Oh no! These were the bastards that murdered my mother, and they came back to kill me too! Oh please God, please send an angel to rescue me, I prayed. I know that I havent been the best person that I could be. I promise I will be better!

"Why not." Marcus replied as he titled my head to the left. He pulled out a small pocket knife, digging it into my cheek, he carved at the sensitive skin. My jaw tightened as he replaced the knife with a small black bottle and poured it over the open wound.

"You barbaric cowards are poor excuses for men." I hissed through my teeth.

Victor lunged at me and threw me across the room. I slammed into the antique mirror as broken shards scattered the floor. I fell down and stared at the reflection that looked back at me in the sharp edges of the glass. Behind the sea blue eyes and light blond hair was an ink tattoo left by the assholes that killed my mother. The ink swirled into beautiful birds and flowers, leaving an imprint that would last forever.

"Any last words?" Victor asked as he pulled out a gun and cocked it in my direction. Suddenely, a man sneaked behind them. Oh thank God! He sent me an angel! He pointed his index finger up to his mouth to tell me not to say anything.

"Yes, did you like my act. If so, applause, cause they comedy act is over."

"What?" Marcus frowned, as the mystery man shot Victor. Victor grunted and fell to the ground. Marcus attacked the man next and they fist fighted into the living room.

I stood up and followed them into the livingroom, but Victor got up behind me and pulled me back to him by my waist. Another gunshot was fired and he fell on top of me. The knife he withdrew was pushed into my thigh by the pressure of his body.

I clasped the knife and yanked it out of my leg, as a warm red liquid seeped out. I turned back around and rushed toward the livingroom, but stopped in my tracks. In front of me, was the horrific memory that would haunt me my intire life. In the corner was my loving, overprotective father in a pool of his own blood and my handsome, talented brother in a heap on top of the broken coffee table.

Tears wheled in my eyes as I broke down on the carpet. I closed my eyes and sobbed loudly.

"Annie." his reassuring voice made the goosebumps rise on my neck. He took my hand and picked me up into his arms.

"Annie, your father sent me to save you." his tanned skin was perfect and his jet black hair layed neatly over his eyebrows.

"Muh-my Daddy is duh-dead." I sobbed.

"Don't worry, your safe now."

"Wuh-whats your name?" I asked.

"Erik." he replied.

"Thu-thank you, kind angel." And that was when I blacked out.

Spoiler

Yay! The ending of the Prologue! I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please let me know if I should continue writing this story. Thank you for reading it!

Hmm this is a very interesting and compelling piece of work!! I can't wait to read more!!! Your descriptions were good and it gave me a good picture in my head which is always good! Also the emotion from this was very nicely done!! I hope you post another chapter soon so I may read more XD. I hope you receive many helpful reviews and Good job!!! Keep up the good work and Happy Writing!!!! Until you update!!!!
Soulkana<3

Hello, my love! (haha, get it? Your name's Love, and I'm calling you love...) I am here to review your wonderful piece. I hope by "rewriting/retelling," you're not plagiarizing a published novel. This wouldn't be a good thing. But if it's an idea you just heard about or a story someone told you, then we're good.

Anyway, I'm here to review your story. So far I've read the first paragraph, and a couple thoughts came to me: 1) the first line confused me (I think it should be phrased as [i]hoping that he would not pay attention and would dismiss me to do whatever I wanted.) and 2) not every child gets a car once they pass their driver's ed test. *still doesn't have a car after three years* So unless she's an ignorant child, that's kind of a silly thought to have in here. xD But it does fit an ignorant personality (as in naive), so if that's the case, then we're good. It just made me laugh. But after seven years, would Dad still be that protective over her? I've never experienced this, so forgive me if I'm wrong in assuming such. And at this point, I'm not sure how Mom died. Still, I don't see why Dad is such a hawk as if she's Cinderella and he's the evil step-mother.

"Of course not, Cassandra! Why would you ask me such thing at a time like this?" Daddy had accidently called me by my mothers name. And I don't even look like her!

Eek! Careful with these "obvious" things. The reader didn't know her name in the first place. Perhaps rephrasing it to sound like he always did this and he did it again just now. (And by this last line, I'm starting to think this MC really is naive. xD What daughter doesn't look like or act like her mother?)

----

Ooh, okay. So I suddenly found a point-of-view change from first to third. If it's first person, we can't know what Dad and Jesse are talking about. We have to follow the MC downstairs.

And also, no fair chatspeaking. xD "OMG" shouldn't be used!

And at this point, Dad is really irritating me in that he's acting like some preteen who didn't get what they wanted. Is there some mental condition? Some sort of schizophrenia or mental disorder? Maybe some sort of disorder which is affected by the shock of losing Mom. Not sure. But a mental illness is the only reason I'll let him act like this. After seven years...

Eek! Another point-of-view change. We went from third person singular to third person omniscient. There has to be a clear difference in the style we want. Do we want to follow one particular person (Annie) or do we want to keep out of the way and overlook the story as a whole (third person omniscient)?

Okay, by now (this is by some break in the story after Victor showed up), I see why Dad is protective about Annie. I don't see why he has to act like a schoolgirl about it though. XD So just man him up. And also, I recall Jesse whimpering about not dying when just a moment before he was all macho, she's-a-big-girl, laidback kind of guy. Man him up too.

Aaaand that action scene was AWESOME. Just sayin'. I think it's best to end this part before the "What's your name" bit. It's way too random, and I think ending it with the MC in the mystery-man's arms is a wicked cliffhanger. Definitely just stop it after the realization her dad and brother are dead.

----

So I'm totally excited about this. There was a bit in there that mentioned God would forgive the killer for killing... her? Not sure how true that is if he doesn't believe in God anyway. He'd have to repent his sins and such, yes?

Anyway, overall, I think your story idea is *brilliant*. I'm really excited, and I think you should continue this, assuming this is an original writing and not plagiarism. I think some of your description could use a bit of work. Mainly in that you can make things so much more suspenseful, especially with the action scene. Lots of potential to play with the reader's emotions, and that didn't happen much here.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hey, lovethelife! Thanks for sharing this piece with us.
Usually I don't do romance, but once in a while, a girl has to cave in. Who doesn't like beautiful angel-like guys saving you from killers? I really like this and I hope you continue, but here's quite a few things I picked up:

This is actually really fast paced. A little too fast. I felt like my brain couldn't soak up the little information you were giving. Add more descriptions, more details on her life, thoughts running through her mind, her feelings when her dad let's her go to the party.
The fast-pace thing made it kinda hard to understand. One second she's asking her father to go to a party, then she's leaving, then she's getting home, then she's getting mobbed or whatever...this is kind of how it went. I think you need to add more structure to her life and stuff.
Explain a little more to your reader. Like how Marcus and Victor suddenly popped in and she acted like she knew them like a family member or something.
Also, I think you need to add a little more on the party. I mean, it's what started out your book, I think there should be at least some info on what happened. Maybe add her brief thoughts on the party as she's walking up to the house or whatever. You don't have to add her whole story on what happened at the party, but how it was overall.

Again...please continue! It's interesting and I'm hooked:)

--Lollipopper

Hello lovethelifeulive. This is great! I really enjoyed it. Just a couple of errors (they're probably just typos, but I thought I should point them out).

lovethelifeulive wrote:10:54 it blinked in nean green.

It should be "neon" instead of "nean".

lovethelifeulive wrote:"Thu-thank you, kind angel." And that was went I blacked out.

I think you meant "when" not "went".
Apart from that, it's really good. I think you should continue with this story. Keep writing!

'Ello my good chap, happy May Day!

Now, as for the review...

This was powerful... but part of me thinks it could be even more powerful (the part about her father and brother being dead especially) you know?

I got confused in the middle of the first part, because you start out writing it in first person Annie's point of view, but when she leaves the room you just start writing omnisciently... although, maybe that isn't a bad thing exactly, I was just under the impression that you're not supposed to change tenses like that...

Also, when she gest stabbed in the thigh, you might want to put something about her being in pain, or limping, because it sounds pretty painful...

Tears wheled in my eyes

It should be "well"

Um... there may have been other nitpicks, can't 'member now...

I thought this was interesting, and powerful... I'm not sure if it's really a prologue though, it seems more like a first chapter to me, but whatever, same dif really XD

--

Tabby

God yeah! Keep it up! It sounds epic! Please keep writing it. I want to know so much more. Please keep writing it.

Please keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo

Hey Love! Here as requested!

Okay, so my main critique of this piece would be your pacing and writing style. It's very fast (not always a bad thing!) and you do a lot of telling instead of showing. You give us the information instead of letting us figure it out for ourselves, or discover it gradually through dialogue and actions.

When you introduce characters, you've got to do it slowly; think about it as meeting a new person. You wouldn't walk up to someone and say, "Hi, here's my name, my age, my entire life history, and the struggles and challenges I am facing right now." Kind of a major turn-off, right? You'd be running the other way because that person is coming on too strong. You feel overwhelmed and force-fed this information. And, as exemplified too often at schools, when you try to shove something down someone's throat, they're not as likely to remember it as they would if they were "snuck" the information in a sugar-coated way. Same goes for the characters in stories; after all, we're technically meeting new people, just inside the covers of a book! (Wow, I totally feel like a nerd now for saying that.)

Okay, now another little thing I'd like to discuss is your pacing. It feels like you're jumping from scene to scene in a movie, and it's hard to keep up with the action. You as the writer have to give the reader a breathing space between action scenes. Too much, and the reader's eyes begin to glaze over from the unending hold-your-breath scenes. To give them this buffer between scenes, use description and dialogue. It's a great way to distract the reader and give them something lighter to focus on before slamming them with another tense section.

You asked about continuing with this story -- I'd say go for it if you really want to! Honestly, there aren't many good reasons why someone shouldn't write whatever they want. So keep it up if that's what you would like to do!

Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:

What I thought of this as a whole: It could be improved. It's a bit confusing in some places. Also, it seems like her father is waaaay over-board protective. Maybe that's what you meant him to be like, rather than just a bit protective. I don't really know. Other than that, it was pretty good.