A Shot of Arrogance (Prologue)

A Shot of Arrogance ~ Prologue


“You know, the body can lose over half a litre of sweat a day through the feet alone and something that can help draw this moisture away are socks. In the 10th century only the rich afford socks. Such a gift was appreciated even by kings.” Alexander paused as he turned to me. “And you have just thrown them all over the floor as though they’re useless junk.”
He was kidding, right? I began chuckling because, well, it only seemed right in the situation. Alexander wasn’t laughing though. His perfectly groomed eyebrows were furrowed and he was soon muttering to himself as he lifted the limp firework of socks from my bedroom floor. Oh, gosh, he wasn’t kidding, was he? I simply stared at him.
“Dear Lord, this bed is terrible, Victoria.” He sighed through gritted teeth as he turned his attention to my unmade bed.
Before I could say anything else, he’d nudged passed me and was beginning to lift my crumpled bed cover. He then started waving it in the air in an attempt to straighten it out. It was like a miniature ocean of pinks and purples as Alexander waved the cover in the air. All I could do was gaze at him as he began smoothing it after dropping it back onto my bed.
“Bed bugs can have ten thousand offpsring in three months, and they can cause rashes, insomnia and even psychological distress.” He inhaled the scent of my bed cover with one strong sniff. “This needs changing. You’re at great risk of them. Is that what you want?”
With a long sigh, he turned to me. His hair was a dull brown colour, and he had horrifically noticeable chapped lips. Not to mention his nose that matched an overweight pig’s. He most certainly hadn’t ever had braces before either, but he clearly needed them. If I was him, I would have concentrated more on his appearance rather than the likelihood of bed bugs in some stranger’s bed. I had no idea what deranged my father into thinking this man was a good suggestion for me. No way was I staying in this room with him for any longer.
“So, let’s discuss,” Alexander said before I could do anything else. He sat down on the leather chair beside my bed. “If you do wish for us to take this further, you’ll have to clean yourself up. I can’t be dealing with having to bring cleansing products every time I visit your house.”
Like hell he was coming anywhere near this house again. As charming as he was, I had to get away from this guy. Fast. I snuck a glance at my bedside clock. Great, I had another half an hour with this man. My father would have never let me out and made Alexander go home early. I had to think of something.
“Hey, I need to use the bathroom. Can you excuse me for a moment, please?” I tried.
“Yes, sure.” He stopped me as I began to move across my laminated floor towards my en suite bathroom. “Be sure to wash your hands. If the cleanliness of your bedroom is anything to go by, then I doubt you always remember to do that after using the toilet.”
If I wasn’t so polite, I would have smacked him right then and there. I smiled, trying to resist the temptation to use some colourful vocabulary my father told me I should have never used, and made my way towards my bathroom. Alexander mumbled something about being quick as I entered the room.
“What a blooming nutter,” was the first thing I said once the door was closed.
First the guy who cried when I told him I hated rabbits, then the guy who was about three foot tall with a lisp, and now some paranoid cleaning freak. Geez, my father really knew how to pick men, didn’t he? I sighed as I inhaled the fresh smell of my bathroom. The air was colder in here, and I found it tightening itself around my body, but I shook the feeling out of me and turned to the end of the bathroom. I locked my eyes on the square window. Okay, now to ditch Mr. Socks-Are-The-Best-Invention-Ever.
After locking the bathroom door, I slicked my hair up into a ponytail. The room itself was rather big, but rather empty too. I had my bath at the very end of the room, my toilet was on the right side, and then the sink and window were on the left side, just beside the bath. Except for the aqua coloured floor tiles, everything in the room was a pearly white. I tip-toed with the subtlety of a ballerina to where my sink and bath was, and then peered out of the window in-between the two. I’d have to stand on something to be able to slide through it. Carefully, but hastily, I placed my two feet on the edge of the pure white bath. I pushed the window as open as I could get it, then caught sight of the stone balcony outside.
It was actually the balcony of my study a floor below, but it wasn’t a huge drop, so I should have been able to get onto it without any hassle. Mind you, the last time I’d done it was when I was about eight. The second floor of my house was plastered in balconies, and there was the odd one dotted around the third floor: the floor I was on now, and all were made out of this stone that was tinted with yellow. The black railings on them almost made them look like little pockets. I looked out of the window and soon captured sight of the black railing I was aiming for. It was a seven foot drop at the most, only a foot and a half longer than me. Yeah, I'd be fine.
I grasped the window frame and watched my left foot as I stepped onto the top of the sink. I inhaled a strong breath of air, then prepared to move my right foot. The plastic window frame was cold on my sweaty palms, so for a moment, it soothed my speedy pulse a little. I lifted my foot.
“Victoria?”
At the sound of Alexander’s voice, I jumped. I soon lost my footing. My left foot slid from the sink, but through some miraculous impossibility, I avoided falling by quickly putting my foot back onto the bath after I'd slipped. Unfortunately, as I did so, I kicked a bottle of shampoo and a cup full of colourful toothbrushes that were on the side of the sink. They landed onto the blue floor tiles with a crash. The toothbrushes looked like a disorderly rainbow as they landed in a mess onto the floor.
“Victoria? Are you okay in there?” Alexander tried again.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied in a rush. “I just knocked something.”
“Bathroom accidents are very common, you know. Be careful in there.”
I was definitely getting out of here. This time, I did it far quicker. I lifted myself onto the sink and I was soon sliding myself through the large window. Alexander was calling me from my bedroom again, but his raspy voice was easy enough to drown out. Now with my bottom perched on the bathroom windowsill, I flicked my fringe out of my face. Somehow, I managed to awkwardly turn around, and now my feet were firmly standing me up on the bricks that stuck out on my house’s outside walls like crooked teeth, and my hands were keeping me up by holding onto the edge of the windowsill. I was looking into my bathroom now, and the last thing I saw was my toilet until I began sliding down the wall.
It turned out the bricks were a lot smaller than I remembered from back when I was eight, and I found myself slipping an awful lot due to lack of foot space. I glanced down. I swore the drop had become much bigger too. I was still for a moment. This was stupid. I was climbing down the outside of my house, and I was meeting insane men just to keep my father happy. All for an event I didn’t even want to think about going through. I glanced down again. The balcony was only a few yards away, it just seemed further away. I needed to suck it up. My hands were sweating again as I slowly slid downwards some more.
“I haven’t heard it flush, Victoria! Are you having some problems?” Alexander must have been shouting now because I could hear him despite the wind blowing in my ears. “I’ve got some constipation tablets in my bag if you’re having trouble with that.”
I wasn’t sure if it was the sheer bluntness of what he just said that made me do it, but as he spoke, my foot slipped. The next thing I knew, I’d hurdled downwards and landed onto the balcony with a soft thud.
“Ow!” I groaned as I stumbled to my feet.
“... gently stimulates the natural process of the way food moves through your digestive system!” Alexander was still discussing constipation with my bathroom door then.
I found myself grinning like a fool as Alexander continued his lesson on constipation relief tablets. After briefly checking over the bare parts of my body--I didn’t seem to have hurt myself too badly--I took a moment to get a hold of things. Now standing on the left side of the balcony, I could see the glass double doors that led to my study a few steps away. With the one door ajar, it was as though the room was welcoming me in. I turned around to look back up towards my bathroom window. I never had to go through all of this as a child whenever I made my way onto this balcony via my bathroom window. At least I’d escaped form Alexander. In fact, I’d done a brilliant job, if I may have said so myself.
I straightened myself out as a feeling of pride and success overcame me. Then I turned around to face the double doors that led to the balcony itself again. Standing just outside of them was the balding man I knew as my father. He didn’t look happy. At all.

Hm. Curious.

I haven't read the rest of the novel, but I can say this prologue is well-written, but not very...effective? I don't know. It doesn't precisely grab my attention. I mean, I want to know what happens to the girl and the idea of a father forcing his daughter to date strange men is interesting, but it seems a bit too flatly comedic and and stretched thin. Like, when she was in the bathroom? I couldn't see the bathroom, nor did I know what it looked like or what was going on. The whole set-up of the room was making me feel a bit trippy. Maybe work on that?

Basically, I suggest adding some color to the piece--description! Tell us about her, her room, small things that make us attached to her immediately, not only feel revulsion about the date--revulsion is a turn off.

I suppose I'll have to read the rest, or perhaps not. I'm not a big fan of romance (in general). Not sure if this is going to be one, but with this it reads like this will become/is one. It's like: Pretty girl's daddy is mean, pretty girl hates ugly, boring guys, pretty girl finds cool, hot guy, pretty girl is ignored by pretty hot guy, hot guy comes around and they're happily married with a toaster.

O.O Dude, I need to write that.

...Anyway, since it's you, I doubt it will be like that, however this prologue makes me wonder if it would be like that and I'd probably continue to see what happens with the father and then, if turned off once more, drop it (if it was a book of a library shelf). But that's only because I was scarred for life by "Twilight" and Matt's picture of Hagrid (unrelated, perhaps, but he went on a "Twilight"-induced rant).

So, yes. (Sorry if I'm being critical! I'm more critical when I don't have grammar to flip like a fish about.) Hope that all helps. *makes vague gesture at above*

I did like it, though. Very odd. *likes odd*

-Casper

Hi there!

I haven't read the rest of your story, so won't be able to tell you if this or your first chapter are better for a beginning. I'll just tell you how I think of this.

I am honestly not a fan of prologues unless the prologue contains a story that does not pertain to or contain the main character in it, so if your main character is Victoria my opinion is to leave it out. Why I say this is because it can easily be the start of your novel as the first chapter, or part of it, since it involves your main character and readers wouldn't get confused. If you wrote a story about a pirate seeking a treasure, the prologue would be about how the treasure came to be, not how the pirate discovered there is one, catch my drift?

I really like your writing, and always have; what I like most about it is your attention to characters. Most stories I read here (and in some books!) have very flat and boring characters, and where your Victoria seems like that typical main character, Alexander had depth, even though it is annoying. He's a character I want to read about because he's different from the rest. If you create more characters like him (different obscene personalities, of course) I think everyone would want to read your stories.

What I would pay attention to is your unnecessary cliche descriptions. At one point you say 'anger was boiling up inside of him' or something like that, and I know you can do much better than using a line that's in every story ever written. xD

Keep writing,

Classy ^^

Hey skins, so I can see you have a lot of chapters up, I just want to let you know I haven't read the storyline or any of the other chapters because it will probably affect my review. Usually when I read your stuff I give up trying to review because it is so good, but today is Review Day so I suppose I have to don't I?

This grabbed my attention. It gave me a lot of questions that I can't wait to have answered like: What is going to happen next? (of course) Is she going to end up liking this horrible clean freak? Why in the world does she have to date all these nasty men?

Another reason it drew me in because of your characters. Each of them seems thought out. I feel like I already know Victoria. I want to read more because I already am feeling sorry for her. I would hate being forced to date old men.

One thing I noticed is that even though you described both men you didn't describe her at all. I know this is a prologue, but it still would be nice to have an idea. Something as easy as her hair color, race, or height. From her personality for some reason I am picturing it brown (her hair that is).

Another thing I noticed was that sometimes your descriptions were great, like when you described the dudes nose, but sometimes they just fell flat. They became the average description without any life.

For example:

I smiled, trying to hide the anger that was gradually boiling up inside of me, and made my way towards my bathroom.

I just expect better from you. XD

Nitpick:

Sometimes you repeat yourself. For example:

I tip-toed with the subtlety of a ballerina to where my sink and bath was, and then peered out of the window in-between the two. I’d have to stand on the bath to be able to slide through it. Carefully, but hastily, I placed my two feet on the edge of the pure white bath.

You say bath in this way to many times. Watch out for this. XD I know you are perfectly capable of editing so I am not going to tell you how.

P.M. me if you have any questions.

I hope I helped,

A. S.

Ok, I wanna read your story now. (I didn't before, because I don't like reading novels online. So good job.)

I can relate to the character--ok, so I don't have a rich dad trying to pair me up with strange men, but I like here independence.

I didn't really understand that it was a prospective bf at first, though. I had to read one of the comments. (I thought it was some sort of tutor, maybe--why were they in her room?)

Overall, nice work, but work on... hmm.... I guess sentence structure and wording. It's good, but......not "This is so good you're my new fave author oh good grief no one can write as well as you can" good.

I'm going to start this review off by saying something that will set me aside from all your other reviewers so far: I have read your novel!

I really liked this. A lot. I'm glad to see Tori again (I guess I kinda missed her...), but I also can definitely see how this will tie in with the rest of the novel. Really, the whole prologue thing is working out really well, methinks. I wish I'd thought of it. ;} At first, I thought the Alexander guy was kind of stupid and overly-caricatured, but as I read on, I grew to realize that he's actually pretty great. Sure, he's exaggerated... but that's what makes him so hilarious! When I got to the part where he's talking about the constipation relief pills, I joined Tori in grinning like a fool. I actually had a difficult time of not laughing out lout.

Knowing the novel, I'm actually tempted to disagree with some of your reviewers. First off, what classy said about not having a prologue... well... I don't think that's true. >.< No offense to the captain, of course--actually, I rather agree with her! But I think that the story in the prologue is sufficiently different from the story in the rest of the novel, so it will be a nice juxtaposition.

Also: yes, you don't have much description. But it kind of fits with the rest of the novel. You haven't got a very descriptive style. Not a bad thing, necessarily, just the way you write. But! I do think that you could use with some descriptions in here. Spacial descriptions. I think I've mentioned this before to you. I'm having a rather difficult time of imagining the whole jumping-out-of-the-window thing, because I'm finding it hard to picture the relation between the balcony and the window, and the size of the balcony railing, and its distance from the ground, etc.. I don't need to know what the bathroom looks like, but a bit more spacial understanding would be great.

I have to say that this whole thing did come off a little cartoon-ish. Firstly, did he have to be ugly and gross-looking? Yes? Okay, it's your call, but that kind of annoys me. Also, Tori climbing out the window just to escape him? I know it's not a huge drop, but this doesn't seem like a Tori-ish thing to do. Meh, maybe I'm wrong, but it seemed a bit over-the-top to me. More so than the rest of the novel.

Oh, and I'm not going to do nit-picks, but...

Now with my bottom perched on the bathroom windowsill, I flicked my hair out of my face.

Isn't her hair in a ponytail? Maybe mention that this is her bangs/fringe that she's flicking, not her hair in general? Maybe not.

Anyhow, not much else I can say. Of course, feel free to PM me or write on my wall or whatever. You know I always Love to discuss things like this.

a

Yo, Freak! I'm here to review! xD

So, I don't really have any nitpicks for this prologue and I'm glad you wrote something before the whole first chapter thing. xD
However, I don't really see this as much of a prologue. It seems like the beginning of a novel rather than a real prologue. You see, a prologue does is a short introduction to what the story will mainly be about. You just had a scene of tori getting out the bathroom to avoid a crazy guy who enjoys talking about personal health and constipation. It is funny but it doesn't say much to what the story is about really. So, you can incorporate this into the first chapter but I don't really see a point of this being a prologue unless you tell us about her suitors and money problems and such and such. :3

Also, are you going to rewrite the entire novel? Is it going to be different? =D
Are you going to post it? Because now I feel quite excited that I get to read a better version of ASOA. :3
I missed Ollie to be honest. He was so weird. xD

Anyway, I really don't have much to say about this since it's a prologue and all. I do think you did a great job building her character and the suitors character in that small amount of writing though. You always have a way of making characters seem so bright and humorous. But that's only because you are of the same character.
Yes! You can take that as a compliment, it's okay. lol

What I like is how simplistic your descriptions were. They weren't over the top and filled with too much clogged words or anything so the actions were fluid and I could imagine the picture just fine. Everything was all good. xD
I like that bit of your writing. I like how you make it easy to read and create a flexible picture so the readers can interpret it the way they want inside their own heads. Thank you for giving us that freedom.

Alright, overall, your writing was great and I enjoyed reading about this...suitor and his weird taste for cleanliness. I would've jumped out the window too. . .
Good job, Freak! Let me know if you need anything else! =]

-Pink

Hey Skinsy! I just saw your "status" and thought I'd take a peek
Here we go!

So I actually don't have any nit-picks. Rather rare and pretty cool And I thought that the flow of the story was well done, so I don't even have anything to say about that.

As for the prologue/first chapter question, I'm really not sure. I read chapter one a while ago, so I'm trying to recollect as much of it as is possible. I remember thinking that the first chapter was good; I don't remember any problems with it. However, this part is also good. I'm not sure which part works best, to be honest.

They are both good beginnings. The one thing I'm not sure about is whether I'd put this as a prologue. Prologues usually give added information of the past or set the scene for the story from a different point of view (whether by a different character or time). In this case, it was a setting of a scene; the problem is, the scene was put exactly as I remember your other chapters being; I mean, the first chapter isn't 6 months later, it seems more like the next day, and the view point is from the same character.

So to me, I think this part is to keep, it's more of the question of whether to keep it as a prologue or to change it for the first chapter.

Sorry if this is confusing, it makes loads of sense to me, though XD ... Having said that, I do remember that I'd told you I'd read your novel. I'm still up for it, that is, if you still want me to review the whole thing I have some free time this week to do that

And I think that's all I have to say. So good chappy, I really enjoyed it !!

Hi there!

Okay, I was a little confused with this. It sounds very modern, but it doesn't seem very modern with the fact that this girl's father is setting her up with men she's never met. Maybe it's a big part of the story that I just don't know yet, but it seems out of place to me.

I liked the detail in this piece though. It was very charming and simple. Overall, I liked it. Nice job.

~Amfli

Hey Skins! You didn't ask for a review on this one, but I wanted to review something so here I was.

Spoiler

In the 10th century only the rich could afford socks.

If I was him, I would have concentrated more on his appearance rather than the likelihood of bed bugs in some stranger’s bed.

I like this point of view.

Well, this was one neat piece, Skins. I liked it a lot. In the middle portion it became more of telling and action, but I guess it is just my slight dislike of the thing. I don't mind it at all, and I think you did a great job at showing us the scene. It was perfectly well and just one or two minor mistakes were there, so you're on the right track. Your writing has improved a bit since I last read A Shot of Arrogance, but you've always been an excellent writer, so there wasn't much left to improve on.

What I'd like to say is that I have kind of a problem with the concept as such. You know it's been a bit clichéd to read about how girls ditch men who've come to either marry them or date them because they don't like their looks, or some peculiar habit they've got. So, yeah, I didn't like your showing how every men she meets is somehow a retard in his own funny way and how they always end up freaking her out. Okay, things happen and they aren't always bright, but I just wish that out of all these suitors she had had one good one who even though was good didn't like her or something? You know it seems a bit awkward that he father always chooses men who're despicable, and it somehow also indicates that rich men are silly or awful looking, which I don't wanna agree with. It's just such a melodramatic situation.


Now going with the Prologue vs. Chapter~1 thingy. I think this is an important part of the story and I really feel that it should be a part of the story. But not as a prologue. Yeah, that's because when I buy a book I usually don't bother to go through prologues(my bad) and so do many other readers. Until the prologue seems long and important, they usually skip it. So, if this is an important part of the story then I think it has the right to be somewhere where it won't be ignored. It needs a space for its own. Don't you think? So, just add it to chapter-1 and if you want to(which I recommend) have a continuation to this. It would be good.


Other thing which would be affected if it's left as a prologue would be is that right now the readers don't have an idea of the necessity of her meeting these guys. Even if she's hell scared of her father and can't actually tell him 'no' there would have been some time when she would have protested, even if a mild one, other than the fact that there's something else binding her to follow these norms. Readers don't have an idea what all is going around here. That's what I think is lacking.


Other than that, I think Alex was way too amusing. I literally laughed at the funny things he had to say and he captivated my interests. I liked to read about him, and even though it's unfair, but I wish he could have more role in the story. Don't do that, though. I was just thinking how fun it would be if we have him instead of Ollie(not that he makes the story any less funny).

Good chapter, great writing, and excellent writer. Whoa, three adjectives. xD!

P.S. This review is not helpful, I know.

~Shrubs