It's my turn

NaPo is done!
So, yes, I'd love to improve my poetry and I'd be grateful for your comments!

~~~

[i]#1. It's my turn
Fingers clenched tight across links,
oxidized iron bloodying her hands
a faint breeze, hot, salty, sticky
like a candy.
Jasmine petals - snowflakes on shoulders,
sun kissed cheeks, golden to red, struggling
to move, to soar
fast and high.
Legs kicking back and forth
in rhythm, stopped short when
the comfort of a wooden plank disappears,
replaced with grit and dust.

Another; sun-painted,
she bounces onto the plank
oblivious to the cries of
the preceding swing-queen.

Thanks for reading. ^_^
~Lava

Hey Lava! I've never really done a poem review with six poems in, although I'll do my best! Also, I will spotaneously swich around colors. I can never seem to remember the color I last chose. It means nothing, they're all the same. >Inset: Go Team Octave!<

1.)

Fingers clenched tight across links,
oxidized iron bloodying her hands
a faint breeze, hot, salty, sticky
like a candy. Something about this feels unfinished. The "Like candy" feels added on, unwanted. It makes me sad that a word feels like that. Get rid of it or maybe try a hyphen.
Jasmine petals - snowflakes on shoulders,
sun kissed cheeks, golden to red, struggling Love this!
to move, to soar
fast and high.
Legs kicking back and forth
in rhythm, stopped short when
the comfort of a wooden plank disappears,
replaced with grit and dust.

Another girl, short, cherub,
bounces onto the swing,
oblivious to the cries of the
first one.

Overall, I liked the general idea of this poem. Really big word's, which I'm really quite jealous of.

2.) I'm not going to quote this one because I have no specific nitpicks. I must say, I think this one's my favorite. I love the way you have it set up and the word's you've chosen flow well together. It's very choppy, but it's the kinda thing that work's for that poem. It show's it well.

3.) See above. Again, you've blown my brain with your huge words. Where do you even get these? This time, however it doesn't seem as fitting. I understand the subject matter, but associating word's like "cofee" and "Suprabhatam" doesn't really seem to work in my mind. It's your poem, but I'd tone down the word's a little. Make's it a little easier to understand, and more relatable to coffee.

4.)

when everything's spiraling
you come back again,
haunting.
it's in everything, each magnifying
the previous one; like
bioaccumulation.
it's not just me you're hurting
look : an abyss in you;
just leave.

This one gives me the need to copy it, being the main need to talk about is how you stanza-ied it. (That's not a word, but I can't think of a term for it!) Whereas the second poem showed a flair in this department, this poem leaves the reader feeling empty and unsatisfied. It had great word's and everything but it remind's me more of an Edgar Allen Poe poem, told in the form of a story. I'd try adding hyphen's, especially after "again." Also, maybe you could make it go down in a spiral like motion, giving it the perception of depth.

5.) Maybe it's just my fourteen year old mind, but I didn't understand this poem. It was short, and mainly tooken up with a short and regretful feel. I honestly don't feel like I have an opinion. There's nothing wrong with it, I just don't have anything to mention.

6.) Wow. I think I might scratch that two thing. I loved this! It's beautiful and haunting with great imagery and flow. The word's flow well together. It's great!

*Wipes brow!* That was incredibly long for a poetic review! Anyway, glad to be of service!

Hi!

I think personally out of all of them, the second one, the Pyromania one was the poem I liked the best. I don't know if it was the shape (I'm a sucker for visuals ) or just the tone of it, but it was my favorite. I also liked the addiction one, although I'm not quite sure why...

Nice job with these, I really liked them!

Right now, because it is review day, I am working on getting as many people reviewed as possible, so I am only going to review one poem right now. But I will be back for more! I'll just review the first one.

It took me two reads through this and some concentration to get the concept of this. At first I thought it was about walking the plank, then being hanged, and now I think it is about two girls on a rope swing? Am I right? So, the imagery in this is good, but, for me, it was a bit confusing. The parts that confused me the most were:

oxidized iron bloodying her hands
a faint breeze, hot, salty, sticky
like a candy.

The breeze part made me think that it was actual blood not just the red rust smearing on her hands.

And:

Jasmine petals - snowflakes on shoulders,

I still have no idea what you are trying to convey here. It doesn't work any way I think of it. I would love some insight!

I also think you might want to work on the ending of this poem. It almost seems detached. I'm not sure it just seems to be lacking something. Maybe I want something about the emotion of one of the girls. How does the one feel about being thrown to the ground? Is she angry that the other girl took her swing? I want to know what they are thinking, not just what they are doing. That is it.

I am sorry for the horrible review. If you have any questions P.M. me.

I hope I helped a little,

A. S.

GAAAAHHH, you're just too good.

In the first poem, I think you need to change some of the punctuation:

Fingers clenched tight across links,
oxidized iron bloodying her hands
a faint breeze-- hot, salty, sticky
like a candy.

Another girl; short, cherub,
bounces onto the swing,
oblivious to the cries of
the first one.

I also changed a bit of the line spacing on the last one.

Nice twist at the end, there.



Love the format of the second.

Nice ignorance (as in purposefully ignoring) the rules of capitalization on the third. (And the fourth. And the fifth.)

I didn't completely understand the last one--is she painting with blood? O.o

Good job on these. You're really talented.