Change the world

First, I wrote this poem as a sort of charge/challenge to anyone who reads it. It was completly inspired by my passion for helping others, and only took about an hour to write.
Second, I realise that the rhyming is not right on. Some of the beats are weird, and some are kind of a stretch. I do accept criticism, but please don't say bad things about my rhymes unless you have a better idea for word choice. (Sorry, it's a pet-peive. I hate it when reviewers note problems but don't give any practical advice)
Oh and yes, I understand how to properly capitolise (Can I spell it? No. But I can use it), I just like caps on the begining of each line.
Enjoy!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

I tried to change the world last week
I devoted myself to seek
What makes the world what it is
And how I could improve on it

I found poverty, hunger and strife
Tears and pain and sleepless nights
Now my head and heart insist
That I be the one to change all this

I started with the world at large
And yelled out my crusaders charge
I was prepared for rejection
But no one was paying attention

“Don’t you want to change?” I cried
The world answered, “I have tried,
And it never works for long,
I guess I’m just not that strong”

So I went to just my country then
And asked the first question again
It took them a while to reply
I must not be important in their eyes

They only wanted to help themselves
“Myself” and “I” not someone else
To better the world might not better me
That was all those people could see

So I continued to my state
Hoping they would be willing to create
A new kind of safe-haven
For those who need saving

Those who need shelter after the storm
A bed, some food, a place that is warm
To end hunger, poverty and heartbreak
Help fix these things for everyone’s sake

But they didn’t want to get involved
Wait on the sidelines till the problem is solved
It’s too controversial, they say
Not black and white, the whole thing’s grey

But to me, it is black and white
Hunger is hunger, and that’s not right
So I am driven to change these things
Set people free, give them wings

So I went to my neighborhood
To see if they understood
But none stepped forward to answer my call
No one willing to give it their all

Last I turned to my friends
Hoping that they would put to an end
All the anger and strife
That goes on in this life

They wanted to help, they really did
But some answered, “I’m just a kid”
And others, “Just give me a second,
Wait for the number of poor to lessen”

Heartbroken I returned to my home
Tired, defeated and all alone
I glanced in my mirror only to see
Something that truly amazed me

I saw that the world won’t ever change
That it will always be the same
Because the world is evil through and through
But helping the world could change you

I saw that I could change something
I saw the things that I could bring
And I knew where I would have to start
With just myself and my caring heart

I know there is someone that I’ve yet to meet
Who wants to help with my earth-changing feat
And I have a feeling, though I’m not certain
That maybe you are that one person

So if you are, here’s what to do
If this poem has effected you
If you want to make a change
Make sure the world is not the same

First, everyone can do something
You can help, whatever you bring
Second, don’t ever think you’re alone
Third, act now, don’t postpone

Find a way to help each day
Someone you meet along the way
If you don’t pay attention to yourself
You will see those who need your help

Then those people will help someone else
Reaching far beyond yourself
The world will soon be set aglow
And everyone will come to know

That poverty and hunger don’t have to exist
As long as everyone persists
In doing all they can right now
And teaching those around them how

So, in closing, do all you can
Make a difference, show God’s plan
And that is how, I hope and I pray
That you will change the world today

i like it! its all true

I thought that the story and idea behind the poem was really great and inspiring. I think by writing this peom, you are actually improving the world by motivating others to help. Good job on that!
However, I think that the poem could still use some work. It has a really great frame, and some good lines, but the flow was off in a lot of places. The rhymning wasn't perfect either.
Here are my suggestions:

I tried to change the world last week
I devoted myself to seek
What makes the world what it is
And how I could improve on it

I found poverty, hunger and strife
Tears and pain and sleepless nights
Now my head and heart insist
That I be the one to change all this (This stanza was great!)

I started with the world at large
And yelled out my crusaders charge
I was prepared for rejection
But no one was paying attention
The second line could be rephrased, and the second two lines could use another word or two each.

“Don’t you want to change?” I cried
The world answered, “I have tried,
And it never works for long,
I guess I’m just not that strong”

So I went to just my country then
And asked the first question again
It took them a while to reply
I must not be important in their eyes

They only wanted to help themselves
“Myself” and “I” not someone else
To better the world might not better me Try rephrasing this line.
That was all those people could see

So I continued to my state
Hoping they would be willing to create
A new kind of safe-haven
For those who need saving The last line needs another word or two, possibly the line prior as well, but it's not bad. Also, "haven" and "saving" don't rhymne. You could try: A new kind of safe place, for those who need more than faith. I know it's not great, but just something quick I thought of.

Those who need shelter after the storm
A bed, some food, a place that is warm
To end hunger, poverty and heartbreak
Help fix these things for everyone’s sake

But they didn’t want to get involved
Wait on the sidelines till the problem is solved
It’s too controversial, they say
Not black and white, the whole thing’s grey Again, the flow is off.

But to me, it is black and white
Hunger is hunger, and that’s not right
So I am driven to change these things
Set people free, give them wings


So I went to my neighborhood
To see if they understood
But none stepped forward to answer my call
No one willing to give it their all Shorten the third line.


Last I turned to my friends
Hoping that they would put to an end
To All the anger and strife
That goes on in this life

They wanted to help, they really did
But some answered, “I’m just a kid”
And others, “Just give me a second,
Wait for the number of poor to lessen”

Heartbroken I returned to my home
Tired, defeated and all alone
I glanced in my mirror only to see
Something that truly amazed me

I saw that the world won’t ever change
That it will always be the same
Because the world is evil through and through
But helping the world could change you The flow is a little off here as well. I think the third line needs to be shortened.

I saw that I could change something
I saw the things that I could bring
And I knew where I would have to start
With just myself and my caring heart I don't know why, but this stanza seemed jumpy and hard to read.


I know there is someone that I’ve yet to meet
Who wants to help with my earth-changing feat
And I have a feeling, though I’m not certain
That maybe you are that one person

So if you are, here’s what to do
If this poem has effected you
If you want to make a change
Make sure the world is not the same

First, everyone can do something
You can help, whatever you bring
Second, don’t ever think you’re alone
Third, act now, don’t postpone

Find a way to help each day
Someone you meet along the way
If you don’t pay attention to yourself
You will see those who need your help

Then those people will help someone else
Reaching far beyond yourself
The world will soon be set aglow
And everyone will come to know

That poverty and hunger don’t have to exist
As long as everyone persists
In doing all they can right now
And teaching those around them how The second line needs another word or two.


So, in closing, do all you can
Make a difference, show God’s plan
And that is how, I hope and I pray
That you will change the world today Great ending!

Overall, great poem with a brillant message! With a little more work and corrections I think this can be really great !

Hi Sagleaf! Here to review! ^^

And, I'm just going to say that I am very glad that I clicked on this poem. It really did speak to me, as I've always felt called to do something about our wonderful, terrible, messed up world. I was so happy to see a poem about this on YWS, and it was honestly inspiring. (To me, at least.) The message in it is great, and lots of it is extremely relatable. (The bit about friends wanting to help, but seriously doubting that they can, for example.)

Like you said, though, at the very top of your poem, some of the rhyming seemed off. And I know that you didn't really want a critic on the rhyming, but I'm just going to make a quick note about it here, and hope that you take it to mind. xD Honestly, this poem could be incredible without any rhymes at all. In fact, it could probably be better. Why? Because the rhyming sounds a bit forced, and though all of the words fit right, they just didn't sound natural. There's a problem with this when you're trying to write an inspiring poem, because it can be very distracting. But, you did say that you didn't want me to point this out, so I guess I'll shut up now. >> But, that was an honest suggestion- why not try and see what happens if you get rid of the rhyming altogether? If you don't like it, don't keep it.

Otherwise, though, this poem was honestly something that was close to my heart, and it did have a few lines that I really liked in particular. For example:

“Don’t you want to change?” I cried
The world answered, “I have tried,
And it never works for long,
I guess I’m just not that strong”

It was more the first two lines here that I liked. It made me think a bit- which is sort of a sub-point of an inspiring poem. Next to the inspiring goal, the 'making you think' goal is the most important. The third line was also good, but then the third line just sort of messed up the flow a bit. Just an example of what you could do with it here:

I suppose I'm simply not that strong."

It's just a little less clunky and easier to read. otherwise though, that stanza was awesome.

They only wanted to help themselves
“Myself” and “I” not someone else
To better the world might not better me
That was all those people could see

Again, the first two lines of this stanza were excellent. The third line was good, too, but it seems that, like the last stanza that I pointed out, the last line ruined it all for me. This time it wasn't so much the flow as it was the word choice. "See" just sounded forced, like you threw it in there beause it was the first and easiest word to make work with the stanza. I won't get into that, though, as I really don't know how you could rephrase that other than taking out rhymes altogether. =/ But yeah, the first three lines were great.

And those were my two favorite stanzas.

Overall, this poem has an amazing message, but the way it's written is a little bit distracting. I'm sorry if I talked too much about rhyming, because I know that you didn't want me to- but that's honestly what I think. xD

Good luck and keep writing,
~~Ish.

Why hello there! Alright so I like poetry like this which is passionate about helping people and making a difference, it's always very nice to read! It's perhaps a little long though and there are certainly lines that could be lost in places while still maintaining the whole story and point. It would also be nice to see you add a rhythm to this as that would tighten up some of your lines and improve the flow to no end. If you're going to write in rhyming couplets, the rhythm does tend to go hand in hand! But since you said I'm not allowed to criticise without suggestions, I suppose I should move on to those already

I tried to change the world last week [Alright, eight syllables! Do you know why that's awesome? It's a really good length, that's why. Enough to say something but not so much that you're having to throw in extra words to meet the count and not so little that you're having to shorten words or miss them out.]
I devoted myself to seek [And this line is also eight so I see you have the right idea! However, the problem is that devoted throws off the whole flow. If you want to keep that, what you actually need to do is forget the syllable counting and make this line longer! (Oh I know, I'm breaking my own rules already but shush and see what a difference it makes.) So you could have something like: I even devoted myself to seek'. Does that sound better to you? Try saying it out loud or tapping out the rhythm.]
What makes the world what it is
And how I could improve on it [And your problem with these two lines is that you should try to avoid ending on a word like it or is. They're of very little importance (unless you present them in certain ways of course) and it makes your lines anti-climatic. Maybe try something like:
what makes the world what it is and how
I could improve the diseases I found
You'll see I used a half rhyme there. Thought I'd introduce you to them, they're really great for just toning down that uppity beat enough that's it's still there but a bit more tempered and serious. They're also just less in your face than obvious rhymes.]

I found poverty, hunger and strife [These are just words. You need images, they have much more affect than the words. I will be more likely to be saddened by the image of a child sunk down on a street corner, his frame thin like a rusty old swing and his eyes filled with the keeness of hunger than by you saying hunger. See what I mean?]
Tears and pain and sleepless nights
Now my head and my heart insist
That I be the one to change all of this [Add some full stops in as it tells us when to breathe. The capitalisation you can get away with - I used to do that too - but the punctuation is a must.]

I could go on but I think you'll get the idea. There's still a bit you could learn about rhythm and the sound of words. What I'd suggest is that you set this aside for the moment and have a play with writing lines to a metre. Don't worry too much about the meanings of the words, just experiment with half rhymes and things like plosives and alliteration because they affect the beat just as much as syllables do. Have you ever tried iambic pentameter? That's something worth looking up and trying out. It's a good way to learn the basics of rhythm and will help you get a feel for how words can be slotted together.

Well I'll leave you to it now but thanks for the read and once again, it's good to see some lively, passionate poetry.

Heather xxx