Drugs

Drugs
Why do people do drugs?
They hear its bad
They know its wrong
But why do they do them so long?
I know the cancer
It's a horrible life
A life I have lived
Every night.
But why had I started?
Why would anyone?
If the drugs just stay.
It is bad
It's so strange
To get addicted to them.
I have stopped
It took a while
So many drugs
Will last a mile
I am done
And won't return
The drugs I took declared my turn
I was saved and you can be too,
If you just say
No drugs too.

This is a good message, but as a poem is doesn't work very well as it is. Poetry is largely about figurative language, imagery, etc, not just message (well, all writing is about more than just message). I think you can turn this into something really good, but you need to work at it.

Now, you say you've "lived the life," and maybe you really have and maybe that's just the narrator talking and you're actually drug-free and always have been (in which case, good for you!) Either way, here's my suggestion: Try bringing in some images specific to drug use. What sorts of things do you associate with drugs? Of course there's the stuff everyone knows about - needles, powder, etc etc. There's the first high, the consistent use, the withdrawals, maybe death or rehab (whichever way you want this to go). Try taking some of those things and describing them. (I can't give you any examples at the moment because it's 10:40 at night and also I've never used drugs and I don't know anyone who's used drugs consistently.)

Like I said, the message is good - now the words and images need to become powerful enough to match it. Maybe follow a single person - the narrator could even talk to "you" to bring the reader closer to the poem - i.e., instead of saying something like "she picks up the needle," you would say "you pick up the needle" (that's a crappy line anyways, but it's just an example). But anyways, consider following a single person and describing what happens as they get into and go through drug use. At the end you can either kill them off or put them into rehab - at any rate, by doing this you should be able to get your message across without telling us what the message is.

Let me know when you revise this, I'd really like to see how it turns out!

~Blue

I think this might be read a little neater if you added the proper punctuation. Sorry, it's just a pet peeve of mine. x) Also, because I noticed you added the question marks, but they were also the only punctuation there.

peachygirl101 wrote:Drugs
Why do people do drugs?
They hear it's bad(,)
They know its wrong(,)
But why(,) why do they do them long? (Did you mean "all along"? This part doesn't exactly flow to me.)
I know the cancer(,)
I know the life(;)
A life I've lived
Every night(.)
But why I'd start? (I think you meant, "But why'd I start".)
Why would they?
If the drugs just stay (You should clarify more what you meant to say by "If the drugs just stay".)
It's bad
It's strange
To get addicted to they (This doesn't sound right at all, your attempt to simply rhyme stay and they.)
I have stopped(,)
It took a while(.)
So many drugs
Will last a mile(.)
I am done
And won't return(;)
The drugs I took declared my turn(.)
I was saved and so can you(,)
If you just say
No drugs(,) too. (I think this might sound better if you made it "No to drugs.")

Well, I understand the issue being discussed through the poem, but I also feel this may have been a little generically done. It wasn't very original --as it probably could have been. I'd work on focusing less on the rhyme and more on the actual words you're using and the ideas you're trying to get out throughout the poem.

But if you're attempting to rhyme this and really do want that kind of style and effect, I would be more mindful of your choice in rhyme pattern and the actual words themselves. Because as I pointed out,

If the drugs just stay
It's bad
It's strange
To get addicted to they

This wasn't exactly the best rhyming I've seen, but it could definitely be fixed. Which I'd recommend. As Blue Africa wrote, I also think you can turn this into something really good. You'll simply need to work at it though.

First and foremost, you MUST reread your work and make sure all grammatical errors, if anything else, is correct.

Drugs
Why people do drugs?
They hear it's bad
They know it's wrong
But why why do they do them long? I must ask, were you trying to rhyme here? If so, I don't suggest it, since you kind of stop after these two lines
I know the cancer
I know the life
A life I've lived You question why people do drugs, yet you've experienced it yourself. I don't understand.
Every night
But why I'd start?
Why would they?
If the drugs just stay
It's bad
It's strange
To get addicted to them
I have stopped
It took a while
So many drugs
Will last a mile
I am done
And won't return
The drugs I took declared my turn "Return" and "turn" are probably bad rhymes. Just my opinion.
I was saved and so can you
If you just say
No drugs too.

You definitely have an excellent basis here. But you should probably review your work for any extra work that can be done. Always read what you've written multiple times. When you do, it's easier to catch mistakes. Spot your own problems before others do, and correct them. You'll thank yourself later, trust me. (:

~Panda;;

Some of the rhymes are defiantly forced here. I love the whole idea to the poem though. It has potential.

Drugs are always something easy to write about. It's a topic that always varies. You can talk about a loved one doing drugs, a friend, yourself. You can talk about liking or disliking them. There are always very heavy, complicated emotions involved with them. The amount of imagery you can use is countless. I'm not saying it's bad to write about. it's actually a very interesting topic-- something I tend to enjoy reading about, as strange as it sounds. It doesn't matter whether it's a book, song lyrics, or even an article. It's strange seeing the affect they have on people. Try to be really creative about this topic. Imagery. Emotions. Metaphors.

peachygirl101 wrote:Drugs.
Why do people do drugs?
They hear they're bad.
They know they're wrong.
But why do they do them so long?
I know the cancer. Interesting. You should explain this more!
I know the life.
A life I've lived
Every night. very pretty.
But why did I start?
Why would they? Who's 'they'?
If the drugs just stay, A little confusing here. help us out. Stay where? Details are more important than rhymes.
It's bad.
It's strange.
To get addicted to Them. 'they' sounds too forced.
I have stopped.
It took a while.
So many drugs,
they last a mile.
I am done,
And won't return.
The drugs I took
declared my turn.
If I saved myself,
Than so can you.
If you just say no
to those drugs too.

I thought this ending made a little bit more sense. You don't have to change it, it's your poem. I liked the simplicity to it. Simple poems always tend to be my favorites. They seem so raw. It's very beautiful. Hopefully you keep writing!

This message is good, but I didn't really like it as a poem. Someone else said that already, so I won't go into it. But it was definitely a good theme, so keep editing it!

Hi there. Lavvi in for a review.

So, I want to focus on the fact of lacking words, punctuation and grammar. Some lines are read and there seems to be missing words, like the second line. It's like you wrote this very quickly without much thought at all.

Secondly, your punctuation is lacking. We need some or else lines are just floating in the air, with no indication of where to go. We can't have that, can we?

Also, you need to capitalize the words that should. Like "i to I".

Yours,
Lavvi

Loved it. Your rhythm was excellent. I understood the plot instantly and I think you have true potential.

Keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo

Drugs,
Why people do drugs?
They hear its bad Comma
They know its wrong Comma
But why why do they do them So[color=#FF0000][/color]long?
I know the cancer Comma
I know the life Comma
A life i've I'velived
Every night Comma
But why I'd start?
Why would they?
If the drugs just stay This doesn't really make much sense
It's bad There bad, not it's
It's strange There strange
To get addicted to they To get addicted to they doesn't really make sense here.
I have stopped
It took a while Comma
So many drugs Comma
Will last a mile This doesn't really make sense.
I am done Comma
And won't return Period
The drugs I took declared my turn
I was saved and so can you Comma
If you just say Comma
No drugs too.

Other than those grammar and punctuation mistakes, this had a very good message and you did really well.

Thanks for helping me out! I will defiantly change it up a little and repost my poem!