Drained chapt. 2

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 52
Rating for language.

Drained
Chapt. 2

"Will, wake the hell up!" the rattling of the voice wakes me from my slumber as I nearly topple from my bed in shock. My heart jumps into a racing beat as I shudder to calm myself. My aunt's thundering voice has always shaken me, even if it were a soft whisper that could barely brush over my ear.

The hammering of her footsteps leaving my bedroom door echo throughout my room and drag me from my thoughts. As I sit up, the memories from last night begin to haunt me and drop a heavy weight upon my heart. Even if it'd be momentarily, I need to forget.

I glance about my room, admiring the pictures of my friends from when I lived in Michigan and my post of the band 30 Seconds to Mars. Crawling out of bed, I grin at Jared Leto. As I do, I realize that Zoe was absent from my room's presence. Then I see the time.
11:37, dang, I usually don't sleep in like that. And my aunt is going to be pissed.... Even since the accident, Zoe and I have been living with my aunt Caitlyn. Ever since I locked eyes with her, hatred has always been in them when she looks at me. Zoe, however, loves her as if she were our real mother. I despise the fact that Zoe could actually love this mistreating alcoholic. Well, she mistreats me....
My door abruptly bursts open and I jump. Aunt Caitlyn's fiery red hair was a blazing mess and the cigarette hanging low from her mouth was dripping with tobacco. She was wearing a dirty, pink robe and matching slippers. Her eyes were hallow green holes and her gritting teeth grip onto the cigarette. I wince as little black crumbs tumble down onto my carpet and slowly I meet her eyes again; they were narrowed.

"I told you to get up," she growls, flicking more black crumbs onto the floor.

"I know," I murmur and shift uncomfortably. She always had a nasty glare in her eyes that made me want to scream. She was an alcoholic, and consequences came with that.

"Then why the hell aren't you dressed and ready to get out the door?"

"I don't know."

"Well neither do I," she growls and shoves the cigarette in my face. I snort reactively and inhale, sputtering and coughing as my asthma kicks in. My lungs suddenly lock and my breath becomes small pants as my air waves close and shudder.
She laughs, an eerie shiver rolls down my spine as she turns from my room and slinks out.

I rush over to my bag to dig out my inhaler and take a few puffs until my lungs relax. I sigh of relief then turn to my closet to search for clothes.
***
I pull into the parking lot of my school and slip out of my red bug, dragging my bag behind me and trudging into school. A fain flow of the slowly rising sun shone over the sky and dark clouds began to drift in. I ignore it and head to my class.

The usual "oh ew, it's Willow!" or "haha, emo freak!" erupt throughout the class room as I slip in. I ignore that as well and glide to my seat, which is in the back of the classroom. As Mr. Rome begins moving his big pink lips, I hunch down in my seat nibbling at me nails and constantly closing my eyes, hoping the burning pain of drowsiness would cease. A strange knock on the classroom door drew me from my thoughts and I glance up to see a guy I had never seen before slipping into the class. He was handsome, his face strong and his jaw hard with a masculine nose. His skin was neutral, slightly tan and covered with muscle. His hair was brown with dark red highlights that glowed like a red halo around his head. My breath catches in my throat as he turns slightly to face the teacher and I get a good look at the rest of his face. My skin heats and my heart begins to pound as I couldn't help but lick my lips.

"You must be Eric," Mr. Rome smiles, strolling to stand before the new guy and brushes his hand over his own hairless scalp.

"Yes," he nods, giving a small smile. My heart lurches, what a pretty smile.....'

"Great," says Mr. Rome taking Eric's schedule in hand and scanning over it. His eyes seem pleased as he trades it back with a light smile, "you'll sit back there, next to Willow."

Eric nods briefly then passes down the aisle where Laurel Downs is pushing up her chest with her arms and smiling her sassy country (slutty) smile.

My heart nearly explodes from my chest as Eric plops down into his seat and gazes at me. His eyes brighten as he gives me a devilish grin and winks.
My breath catches in my throat nearly choking me as I realize his eyes were a familiar glittery blue.
***
I couldn't stop shaking all day. Eric was in all my classes, staring at me and giving me that dark, terrifying grin. Of course, my heart has been pounding because of the look in his eyes saying, "hey, wanna sleep with me?"
As I arrive outside, Matilda is waiting for me at our lunch table under the large oak tree covered with orange leaves. I plop down beside her, trembling with anxiety and total fear. She gives me a long glare before she turns back to her lunch. All my other friends repeated her, and as usual, began their dirty conversations and jokes. I didn't join in, I sat there watching Eric as he laughed with many of the sort of popular guys. As if on cue, he suddenly turns to look at me and winks.
I nearly tumble off my lunch bench.

"What's wrong, Willow?" Corey says, raising one of her perfectly plucked eyebrows.

"Nothing," I say and depart from my bench and storming over to the table of boys. Before I realize what mistake I'm making, my two little pale fingers thump on Eric's broad, hard shoulder.
He turns to face me and grins. He was sitting on top of the lunch table, a half eaten apple in hand and a water bottle beside his thigh. His brown hair was ruffled and his light blue eyes were glowing with amusement. I refuse the urge to snatch up the bottle and guzzle it all over his head.

"Hi, Willow," says Eric, lifting his bottle to his mouth, "I expected to see you soon."

"Come here," I murmur and glance at the lone tree, away from all society.

He nods, knowing exactly what I want to know and follows.

As we arrive to the tree, my heart is throbbing against my ribs and my fingers were trembling so hard I had no idea how I could even stand. I arrive to the base of the tree and turn to face him. My eyes widen and my breath is stolen away. His eyes glitter in the sunlight and the horizon brings out the dark glowing tan of his skin. His lips were dark pink and his face was innocent.

He presses a hand to the base, near my head and trapping me, "you figured out who I am, didn't you?"

"I-I...." Well hell, he figured me out.

"Exactly," he smiles, "you're beautiful when you sleep but you're gorgeous when awake," he slowly runs his finger through my red hair, "so beautiful."

I press my back against the tree. My heart was screaming in my chest and my head was whirling in circles. I meet his eyes, "why are you here?"

"I've been with you in your dreams since June," he says, still running his fingers through my hair then over my cheek. The skin heats and sizzles, "I think I've fallen in love with you, Willow."

My breath chokes me and I cough. Concern fills his eyes as he gently rubs my back as I cough like a little idiot.
"Y-you love me?" I choke, rubbing my watering eyes.

"Yes I do, Willow," he says and leans forward, his face inches from mine, "and do you want to know why I'm here?"
To steal me away? "Why?" I whisper.

"Willow," he glances back and puts his face closer to mine, "you're in horrible danger."
Last edited by halogirl4197 on Mon May 02, 2011 1:53 am, edited 2 times in total.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 3
I LOVE THIS.......if this was a book id buy it and ask for ur autograph! its awsome and different and witty
I love Hot Chelle Rae! (best band in the world, u should look them up :D)




User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
Heya.

Just as an aside, the rating of this story was increased for language. The f-word in a story requires a 16+ or 18+ rating; because there was more swearing in here, it got an 18+ rating.

Past that, I found this passable as a second chapter. One thing you have to keep in mind is that each chapter has to have its own conflict, and its own hook. Especially early on in a work, when readers might not be as interested. Try putting some meaning behind Willow's aunt, so she's more than just a nasty alcoholic who mistreats her niece. Add some dimension to the relationship so it's more interesting for us.

One thing to watch out for is distribution of description. Right now, you have hardly any description at the start of the story, but you suddenly have a ton of description when Eric comes in. This creates dissonance in a reader's mind; they've probably gotten used to a lower level of description, and to be suddenly hit with a thick paragraph of description about a person.

Looking at the story, I've found you have a lot of one-dimentional relationships. Her aunt is simply abusive, Eric (at the start) is simply the cute guy, and Willow is the freak nobody talks to. These characterizations, while good starting points, are by no means the end point. Add in twists, quirks, and other characterization points to your characters so they jump off the page and connect with them.

Overall, I find your characterizations could use some work. By giving your characters more depth, you'll get more conflict in the chapter and make us a bit more interested in reading on. It'll also make your characters generally more interesting, and into their own people.

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 72525
Reviews 1220
There were a number of misspellings in this, several which would be easily picked up by a spell-checker (such as ym). In addition, you had a couple of misused words, like "guzzled". Both of these detracted from your writing, so I suggest you go back through this and proofread a bit more carefully.

In addition, the formatting, especially of the dialogue, was not quite correct or consistent. There are a number of articles in the Grammar and Research section of the Knowledge Base (which you can find by going under the Community tab) that might help you with it. This one by Demeter is a particularly good one.

As for the chapter itself, not bad, but not really interesting to me. The aunt strikes me as being just there to antagonize the narrator, and Eric is just creepy (though I think that was intentional). Basically, the characters don't particularly interest me, though that's no fault of yours.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR



I didn't want to slow time, I just wanted to make a little rock.
— MomoMajesty's brother