Touch of Death Chapter 1

"Ellie," I could hear my friend say, but it sounded distant, "ELLIE!" She waved her hand in front of my face, breaking the trance I was in.

"What?" I snapped at her, angry that she'd disrupted me .

"Don't you speak to me like that. You're the one who's been staring at Rowan like he's the only one in the world for the last ten minutes."

I looked at my watch. The worst part was, she wasn't even exaggerating. According to my watch I had actually been looking at him for exactly 11 minutes and 36 seconds, but who's counting. "Well what'd you want anyway?" I asked, finally removing my gaze from Rowan and looking at her.

"I wanted to ask you whether you wanted to go to the movies with me after school. That new movie’s out, the one we've been dying to see since we saw the advertisement."

"Oh," I said, "Umm I can't tonight, I promised Ryan I'd go to the gym and shoot some hoops with him. Maybe tomorrow?"

I tried to pretend I didn't see the disappointment on Jemma's face as she said "Oh...well yeah I guess we could go tomorrow. I have to go now, bye." She turned around and began to walk away, but after a few steps she turned back to face me. "You know, you really need to stop leading Ryan on, you're only going to hurt his feelings and he doesn't deserve that."

Before I could ask her what she meant she turned and left, leaving me standing in the car park alone. What was she talking about? Me and Ryan were only friends, there was nothing going on between us, he knew that and so did I. I shrugged the thought off as I got into my car and drove to the gym to meet him.

"'Bout time you showed up slacker, though you were gonna ditch me." Ryan’s voice echoed around the empty gym as I walked towards the court where he was already shooting.

"I see you've managed to work up a sweat already, hope that's not going to be your excuse when I kick your ass later on." I replied jokingly. Ryan was my best friend apart from Jemma, and had been since the fifth grade. He was kind of like my brother, and I trusted him with my life.

I walked over to the bench on the side of the court and dumped my bag down. I took off my shirt to put a singlet on, and was standing there in my bra, when he walked in. The moment I laid eyes on him my legs practically turned to jelly and I felt my heart speed up. I couldn't focus on anything but him. His jet black hair was sprawled messily across his face, and he was wearing a basketball singlet and shorts.

I was still standing there with my shirt half over my head when Ryan's voice broke me from my trance, "Ellie! Hurry up and get your shirt on, I want to introduce you to someone." I pulled the rest of the shirt over my head and walked towards Ryan and the guy who had just came in. "Ellie, this is Rowan, he's new to school. He's in my English class, and we got talking, and he told me he played ball, so I asked if he wanted to come shoot with us."

Rowan smiled at me then, and it took all my strength to keep my jaw from dropping to the floor. His teeth were perfectly straight, and his face was flawless. His eyes were almost golden in colour and stood out against his dark hair. Standing so close, I couldn't help but notice that he smelt amazing, it was a mixture of soap, cologne and something that I couldn't place.

"Nice to meet you Ellie. You're in my geography class aren't you? You're the one who is always answering the questions." His tone was light and teasing, but I couldn't help but blush.

Great, I've never even spoken to him before and he already thinks I'm a nerd. I tried to laugh to cover my embarrassment, but I ended up sounding like my cat when it coughs up a hairball. Good work Ellie, he now also thinks you have mental issues.

"That would be me," I replied quickly, hoping he hadn't heard my laugh.

"Well maybe you'd be able to help me after school one day? I don't really understand some of the stuff it's a lot different to what we did at my old school."

I stared at him for several seconds, waiting for the punch line. There was no way the most gorgeous being on the planet had just asked to hang out with ME after school? I mean, I'm not exactly a loser, but I'm not popular either. I float somewhere around the invisible mark, and I enjoyed that. I wasn't bullied or made fun of, people just ignored me, acted like I wasn't there.

"Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to, I can always ask someone else...." I realised I still hadn't replied, and now he thought that I didn't want to see him.

"No, no, I would love to help you! Umm, what about tomorrow after school? You can come back to mine if you want?"


Even to myself I sounded desperate, but he simply said "Tomorrow sounds great! Thanks." I just nodded for fear of making a fool of myself if I tried talking again.

"Well, now that that's sorted, how about we play some ball?" Ryan's voice broke through the silence as he passed me the ball. I caught it and shot a three. The ball went straight through the hoop for a swish, and I was glad I hadn’t missed in front of Rowan. Ryan rebounded and passed it to Rowan who took a shot from the same spot as me. The ball went straight through for a swish as well and he turned to me and winked.

Just as I was about to make a comment about how maybe inviting Rowan out was a big mistake, his phone rang. “Sorry guys, I have to take this, I’ll be back in a minute.”

He walked over to the bench and answered his phone. I could hear the tone of his voice but couldn’t make out the words. He seemed upset at first and then it turned to anger. I’m pretty sure he swore at least three times, either that or he said something about a hockey puck, but I get the feeling the latter was incorrect.

I was still staring at him when he hung up and turned around to walk back to us. “Everything alright?” I asked, trying to sound like it was just a general question, but really I was dying to know what that phone call was about.

“Yeah everything’s fine, but I have to go now sorry. I’ll see you after school tomorrow Ellie?” He didn’t wait for my reply, and instead half walked – half ran towards the door. He didn’t turn to look back and suddenly I didn’t really feel like shooting hoops any more.

“Oh my God, I totally forgot Ryan; I have a dentist appointment in like 20 minutes, I really have to go. I’m so sorry.” I felt bad lying to Ryan, but he wasn't one to hold grudges anyway.

Ryan just smiled and said “Really you’re just using that as an excuse to get out of getting your ass whooped.” I laughed and picked up my bag before leaving and getting in my car.

As I pulled up the driveway Cooper came bounding towards my car like usual. “Hey baby, how have you been? Did you miss mummy?” I picked him up as I walked inside and dumped my bag on the floor. That’s one good thing about not having a mum and having a dad that always works – there’s no one at home to nag you to tidy up.

I put Cooper down and walked over to the fridge to see if I could find him some food. Cooper’s a dog by the way, he’s a kelpie cross border collie to be exact and I got him two years ago when he was a puppy. I pulled out some roast beef from the night before and dropped it in his bowl before walking upstairs to my room to get changed.

As I passed by the bathroom I noticed my reflection in the mirror and realised, judging by my reflection, that it probably would’ve been a good idea to use it this morning. My usually long brown hair was in a knotted mess above my head and I realised that it was going to take some extreme shampoo and conditioning to get the tangles out. I decided that the shower could wait until tomorrow morning and instead put on my pyjamas and gave in to my desire for sleep.

You should separate the dialogues so its not confusing. it also helps so we know who is talking at the time. Other than that I cannot find anything wrong with this story you had a good description and also had some interesting ideas. I can't wait to read more of your work soon. Good luck and May you receive many helpful reviews!!! Keep up the good work and Happy Writing!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3

Thanks for that (: And yes I realised as soon as I had posted it how confusing it was, even for me haha. Thanks for the kind words and suggestions they are greatly appreciated (:

Great job!!! I love the story and how you used good description also I was able to create a image in my head of the wonderful story you created!!Keep up the good work!!! Enjoy writting !!!!

Hey beginningtowrite! Thanks for the story!
Overall, I like the idea of this. Mysterious guy, feuding friends...Please continue with this!
Just a couple things:
To me it seemed like this could be a chapter in the middle of some random book. I think you need to have some beginning prologue or introduction or something like that to really complete it.
Second, just use a little more description. It seems a little fast pace. Make your characters stop and smell the roses. For example, Ellie taking note of the weather and scenery in the parking lot. The smell of the hallways, the people always crowding each other like wild animals. If you want the reader to get the exact image you have in your head of the characters, give them descriptions, too. Or gradually slip in their description like painting a picture of the character in the reader's head.

Other than that...thank you again! I'm always here to help:)

--Lollipopper

Thanks so much for your advice! I was actually considering doing an introduction/prologue but I couldn't figure out how to start it, so any suggestions there would be greatly appreciated (:

And thanks for the tips about being more descriptive! I'm writing the second chapter now and once that's done I'll be sure to go back through and add more details in chapter one.

In the second chapter I am planning on adding more detail so you can find out more about Ellie, her looks etc.

Once again thank you so much for your help

“Yeah everything’s fine, but I have to go now sorry. I’ll see you after school tomorrow Ellie?” He didn’t wait for my reply, and instead half walked – half ran towards the door. He didn’t turn to look back and suddenly I didn’t really feel like shooting hoops anymore.

“Oh my God, I totally forgot Ryan; I have a dentist appointment in like 20 minutes, I really have to go. I’m so sorry.” I felt bad lying to Ryan, but I just didn’t feel like shooting hoops anymore You already said that, it seems too repetetive and takes the reader out of the moment.

Ryan just smiled and said “Really you’re just using that as an excuse to get out of getting your ass whooped.” I laughed and picked up my bag before leaving and getting in my car. This seems very brief, i would like more description

As I pulled up the driveway Cooper came bounding towards my car like usual. “Hey baby, how have you been? Did you miss mummy?” I picked him up as I walked inside and dumped my bag on the floor. That’s one good thing about not having a mum and having a dad that always works – there’s no one at home to nag you to tidy up.

I put Cooper down and walked over to the fridge to see if I could find him some food. Cooper’s a dog by the way, he’s a kelpie cross border collie to be exact and I got him two years ago when he was a puppy. I pulled out some roast beef from the night before and dropped it in his bowl before walking upstairs to my room to get changed.

As I passed by the bathroom I noticed my reflection in the mirror and realised that it probably would’ve been a good idea to use it this morning this sentence doesn't read right, maybe use some punctuation and break it up a little. My usually long brown hair was in a knotted mess above my head and I realised that it was going to take some extreme shampoo and conditioning to get the tangles out. I decided that the shower could wait until tomorrow morning and instead put on my pyjamas and gave in to my desire for sleep.

otherwise a good piece. keep it up

Thanks for that! I will be sure to edit it soon, thanks for the review!

Hello Beginningtowrite!!!
First let me say that this looks great! My best friend is actually working on a piece similar to this (in the love prospect). This is very well-written and structured. However, I do have a few nitpicks:
First, in the gym scene, Rowan isn't at all surprised to see MC standing there in a gym, half-naked, and MC isn't at all embarrassed.
Second, I got a little confused between "Ryan" and "Rowan". Their names are so similar that sometimes I had to re-read a sentence to tell the difference between the two.
Also, Jemma just sort of appears and disappears, which could be okay, I guess. It was just bugging me a little. Maybe Jemma could argue with MC a little more in the movie scene, to give the reader a little glimpse of Jemma's personality and how it affects MC.
~~~DON'T BE DISCOURAGED! I know it seems like sometimes reviewers just want to change everything and ruin your story, (trust me, I know), but just keep working at it. Writing won't be fun all the time, I promise, but you've just got to keep on truckin', and eventually you'll get there.~~~
Looks great so far, and keep me posted! PM me or post on my wall if you edit or post a new chapter! (pretty please?)
Best wishes and HAPPY WRITING!

Thanks so much (: its good to see where i can improve! Thanks heaps and i'll keep you up to date (:'

I read it. The characters are very bland, but I love your writing style

Bland? what do you mean by that? Sorry if that sounds rude haha xD
And thank you (:

Hey Sammy! Walker here, as requested So lets get this show on the road, shall we?

My reviews go as follows; Nit-Picks and then my Overall. If you should like a more intricate, fine combed review system, just ask and I will do as such!

Nit-Picks:

Alright so this section can be a little intimidating so don't take it personally, kay? Its mostly just small mistakes and little tid-bits to help with your writing style!

Spoiler

"Ellie," I could hear my friend say, but it sounded distant, "ELLIE!"

Alright so, heres a small tip for you for future reference. Lets try to avoid caplocks as best we can. As you can see here, you make no reference to the first 'Ellie' being said loudly. That being said, you jump from one extreme to the next. If you want to give the impression of it going from one side of the spectrum to the other, an exclamation point would do you perfectly! Punctuation is always the key in these circumstances.

"What?" I snapped at her, angry that she'd disrupted me .

You don't want to state the obvious in your pieces. Saying 'I snapped' kind of gives the impression that she did not want to be disturbed or disrupted, so you don't need to state what we already, as readers, take.

"Don't you speak to me like that. You're the one who's been staring at Rowan like he's the only one in the world for the last ten minutes."

Dialogue. This is the essential part of a novel where we see a writers chops for what they are. As a writer, we are allowed to use some many wonderful, intricate words that one never hears other than when written on page, but dialogue is not under that catagorey unless you are going for well-educated scholarly types. You want to make your characters believable, so, in this case, as bad as this is going to sound, dumb it down. Make it not static. For example;

ex. "You don't have to speak to me like that, you know. Its not my fault, or anything, that you keep staring at Rowan like he's your one and only."

In this case, though it still sounds awkward how I wrote it, you should probably change the subject matter completely. Its static. You want everything that comes out of your characters mouths to be realistic. Say those words out loud and if they feel weird on your tongue, than they'll feel weird on anyones tongues.

The worst part was, she wasn't even exaggerating.

Punctuation mistakes are common in young writers, but easily fixed. Here you have a spliced comma. That should either be a period or a semicolon!

According to my watch I had actually been looking at him for exactly 11 minutes and 36 seconds, but who's counting.

Firstly, before this sentence, you had the word 'watch' already, so when you repeat a noun in a paragraph, you give the impression of redundancy and repetition which is lovely in poetry but undesireable in prose. You want to appear as if your vocabulary isn't small enough that you can't think of another word, ne? So try this with everything you do; never repeat nouns, adjectives, and adverbs twice in a paragraph. The only words your should ever be allowed to repeat in a sentence are 'the' 'and' and other sorts of connective words.

Secondly, your character wasn't counting. I know you want to go for that ironic, sarcastic feel here with your narrator but to a reader, that just sounded very silly. If she was so entraced with this Rowan character, she woud never have been watching her clock.

I asked, finally removing my gaze from Rowan and looking at her.

Was she not looking at her watch?

That new movie’s out, the one we've been dying to see since we saw the advertisement."

Okay, again, stating the obvious. Unless you are trying to be ironic here as to show that your protagonist is forgetting previous such-in-such's because of the Rowan character, don't use this. If so, reword cause, quite frankly, the sarcastic tone isn't being shown in here and a reader will not take that as sarcasm.

"Oh," I said, "Umm I can't tonight, I promised Ryan I'd go to the gym and shoot some hoops with him. Maybe tomorrow?"

Is your 'she' a 'he'? First sign that your character developement is hazy is when you can't tell whether the voice is male or female. Make a note to add in what gender your protagonist is from the start, whether it be subtle or not.

I tried to pretend I didn't see the disappointment on Jemma's face as she said "Oh...well yeah I guess we could go tomorrow. I have to go now, bye." She turned around and began to walk away, but after a few steps she turned back to face me. "You know, you really need to stop leading Ryan on, you're only going to hurt his feelings and he doesn't deserve that."

I'm a stickler when it comes to dialogue and how its placed within novels. In this case, you add in her dialogue after his own thought process which, personally speaking, looks wonky. I would place anything she says below it instead of adding it on like that.

Secondly, comma after 'yeah'. Even in dialogue should we use proper punctuation! That and if she's leaving, don't just throw in 'I have to go' like that. It makes the dialogue choppy and unrealistic. So take that out completely.

And lastly, know 'she/he' is back to a 'she' again? You make it rather hard to understand what kind of character we've got here. That and the comma after 'on' is spliced. Should be a period or a semicolon. Try not to use semicolons in dialogue, though, if you want your dialogue to be believable.

And is this a friend talking? I know she has a case of the sour grapes here but if a friend snapped at me like that, I would have told her off. I don't need babying from my friends, nor do I think your protagonist should be.

Before I could ask her what she meant she turned and left, leaving me standing in the car park alone.

What, may I ask, is a car park? And why is it that this Rowan never found somebody standing, staring at him, in the car park? I thought it was in a classroom or something. You might want to describe your setting a little first before all this drama goes down.

And is your character clueless? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what that means seeing as she stated it quite bluntly. It should be 'before I had a chance to retaliate'.

Me and Ryan were only friends, there was nothing going on between us, he knew that and so did I.

Two spliced commas. Beware of these. They are the kankers when it comes to proper punctuation.

What was she talking about?

Like I said; doesn't take a rocket scientist xD.

"'Bout time you showed up slacker, though you were gonna ditch me."

Comma splice. Should be a period or semicolon. That and there should be a comma behind 'up'. Oh and I think you mean't 'thought' instead of 'though'.

"I see you've managed to work up a sweat already, hope that's not going to be your excuse when I kick your ass later on."

Spliced comma!

He was kind of like my brother, and I trusted him with my life.

Unnecessary pause. Take out the comma!

I walked over to the bench on the side of the court and dumped my bag down. I took off my shirt to put a singlet on, and was standing there in my bra, when he walked in. The moment I laid eyes on him my legs practically turned to jelly and I felt my heart speed up. I couldn't focus on anything but him. His jet black hair was sprawled messily across his face, and he was wearing a basketball singlet and shorts.

If you have sections like this through the entirety of your novel, I'm going to be your worst nightmare xD. This is what we YWSer's like to call the 'info-dump'. The 'telling and not showing'. You must fear this with your entire life.

You give us 'This happened. This happened. This happened. I did this. I did this. I did this.' We want 'this happened which lead to a certain this with a little that on top of yada yada' whereas we see thought process, especially in first person. If you like mostly working on your plot and such things than first person is definitely not for you because when one writes in first person, one is getting an intimate look into someone's life. Someones emotions. There is so much you could do with this and yet you don't. So don't just tell as what happens. Show us!

Hurry up and get your shirt on, I want to introduce you to someone."

Spliced comma!

Standing so close, I couldn't help but notice that he smelt amazing, it was a mixture of soap, cologne and something that I couldn't place.

Okay so we have an infatuation, obviously. Just don't throw words around like 'love' and whatnot until we know something about this guy xD. He could be Hugh Jackman himself but a complete douchebag.

"Nice to meet you Ellie. You're in my geography class aren't you? You're the one who is always answering the questions."

This sounds static all together. A good way to make it not static would be to split it up with dialogue description right after he says 'Nice to meet you Ellie', kay?

I tried to laugh to cover my embarrassment, but I ended up sounding like my cat when it coughs up a hairball.

The two 'to's make it sound redundant. That and the comma is unnecessary.

"Well maybe you'd be able to help me after school one day? I don't really understand some of the stuff it's a lot different to what we did at my old school."

The only time you should have dialogue without the dialogue descriptions is when its talking back and forth quickly or its a rather short piece of dialogue like something that is only one sentence for instance. Here you should have a piece of dialogue description.

There was no way the most gorgeous being on the planet had just asked to hang out with ME after school?

Change the caplocks ME into an italic me. Same impression but its a little less harsh to the eyes!

I mean, I'm not exactly a loser, but I'm not popular either. I float somewhere around the invisible mark, and I enjoyed that. I wasn't bullied or made fun of, people just ignored me, acted like I wasn't there.

You jump from past to present tense here. What I would like you to do is try and keep it in he same tense, whether that be past or present here. Also, in the second line, the comma is unnecessary. In the third line, you have spliced commas.

You can come back to mine if you want?"

Mine as in? Specify.

The ball went straight through for a swish as well and he turned to me and winked.

May I also ask what a swish is?

As I passed by the bathroom I noticed my reflection in the mirror and realised, judging by my reflection, that it probably would’ve been a good idea to use it this morning. My usually long brown hair was in a knotted mess above my head and I realised that it was going to take some extreme shampoo and conditioning to get the tangles out. I decided that the shower could wait until tomorrow morning and instead put on my pyjamas and gave in to my desire for sleep.

This is unecessary. I know you were trying to find a way to end this chapter, but you made it sound kind of silly by just telling us things she does. Thats normal stuff that really can't develope your character in any way which is what I'm sure you want. In this case, it was unecessary.

Overall¸

I can see the gears turning, but your still have a lot of work to do.

Firstly, you have a spliced comma issue which reoccured through the entirety of this piece. Nothing that shan`t be easily fixed with a bit of effort.

Secondly, you give mostly just plot here. Your dialogue was pretty static. It was unrealistic and hard to believe. You lacked description, especially towards the setting. That and your character development here was nearly nonexistant. I want you to work really hard on those areas whilst you write. Its those areas that make a writer strong. Right now, all you really have is a lot of structure and not a lot of flesh. If you want this to be more than just a skeleton then you`re really going to have to work hard!

This has lots of potential but its the farthest thing from original. Give us reason to want to read this through. If you want your book to be taken seriously, make sure its `Your` book and not just another carbon copy.

- Walker

Hey!

So, this is a cute piece, a high school drama, and I really think it has potential. A love triangle, interplays of relationships and all that.

However, I think there are some places where you could improve. I think this piece needs a little more conflict. They say that conflict is the engine of writing, and if you follow that analogy, I think your running low on gas. This is a nice scene, a nice set-up, but you need some conflict, you need some tension. Right now, nothing is wrong in your MC's life, in fact, everything is perfect. Her crush is coming over, her friends like her, shes good at sports, etc. See what I'm saying? The conflict certainly does not need to be huge or super melodramatic, but a little conflict is good, it keeps people reading. So, maybe Ryan is observant and sees that your MC likes Rowen and maybe he is visibly upset by that. Maybe your MC got a bad test grade, and her dad is grounding her. It could be anything, as long as it's relevant to your novel as a whole.

The other thing I would like to mention is your characters. We do not really know much about them. What sets them apart as individuals? What makes them tick? How do they view the world differently from everybody else? This isn't something you have to give away right at the beginning. In fact, its better if you don't, but we should be getting hints as to answer to theses questions. Particularly your MC, since you are writing in first person, her unique way of looking at the world voice, should be in every narration she makes. If shes a pessimist, she will notice the bad parts, the negative parts. If shes an optimist, she will notice the positive parts of her situation and environment. Including bits like this really adds spice to your piece, if that makes sense. There is an article here that deals with both characters and conflict, if you would like some more ideas. =)

Anyway, I think this piece has promise! You have the start of an interesting set-up. I hope you continue you this! If you have any comments or questions, feel free to PM me!

Audrey

Hey Beginningtowrite, Spitfire here to review!!

beginningtowrite wrote:"What?" I snapped at her, angry that she'd disrupted me

Not sure I'd say "disrupted me" as it was the trance Jemma disrupted, not Ellie specifically.

beginningtowrite wrote:According to my watch I had actually been looking at him for exactly 11 minutes and 36 seconds, but who's counting.

I don't understand this; how could the MC know exactly how long she'd been staring at him? Did she check her watch the second before she started looking at him to see how long she'd watch? 'Cause I highly doubt anyone would do that..

beginningtowrite wrote:"'Bout time you showed up slacker, thought you were gonna ditch me." Ryan's voice echoed around the empty gym as I walked towards the court where he was already shooting.

beginningtowrite wrote:He was kind of like my brother, and I trusted him with my life.

Okay, I know this is a fantasy novel, but I think you should remove the second half as we haven't gotten to the fantasy parts yet. Just because, as the story is still about a normal girl and guy, I see no reason why the MC would say she trusts him with her life. If it were a story about gang members and stuff, that's one thing as they do risk their lives daily, but for a normal teenager, they wouldn't mention trusting someone with their life; only that they had loads of trust in them.

beginningtowrite wrote:Great, I've never even spoken to him before and he already thinks I'm a nerd.

This part I suggest you put in italic as they are her thoughts, and those must always be put italicized

beginningtowrite wrote:"Well maybe you'd be able to help me after school one day? I don't really understand some of the stuff; it's a lot different to what we did at my old school."

beginningtowrite wrote:As I pulled up the driveway Cooper came bounding towards my car like usual. "Hey baby, how have you been? Did you miss mummy?" I picked him up as I walked inside and dumped my bag on the floor.

Ha ha! At first I thought Cooper was a guy telling Ellie that..when I saw "did you miss mummy" I was like what the hell?! ..Yeah, I needed to read on a little XD

beginningtowrite wrote:I decided that the shower could wait until tomorrow morning and instead put on my pyjamas and gave in to my desire for sleep.

Huh? I get that it ends the chapter, but I really don't understand why she goes to sleep in the middle of the day. There was no mention of her feeling tired before that, so I find it way too sudden for her to want to go to sleep. But if that's the way you want the chapter to end, then I'd suggest you mention, subtely, that she starts feeling tired and so on.

All right, so that's all for now. It was a good chapter, I'm curious as to what will happen next, but I'll keep that for another day...
Keep writing!
Spitfire