Lady Porcelain

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Ring, Ring! Ring, Ring! Do you hear that?
That's the sound of little girls digging their own grave.

A slender hand lifts the phone from its receiver and brings it to the ear of an elderly woman.
"Yes my dear, how can we help you?" Laced with bitter-sweet honey, her voice traveled loud and clear.
Breathing so deep kept the hearts of the small figures sitting at the window racing. Curls bounced as heads turned, glass eyes flickered.
"Not even a peep? There's only one way you could've found this number, sweet child of the Earth, so if there's something you want, you must ask for it."
Delicate heels clicked on the polished wooden floor. Dresses glittered in the light of an antique lamp sitting upon a desk that was cracked with age.
"Make me into one of you!" The clanging bells of a voice left un-tweaked sang out to the hearts of porcelain.
"Now, now, impatient child. This process is one that must not be taken lightly- have you told your mother about your decision?" Lips curled in anticipation.
"She doesn't understand me! I know that you would, Lady Porcelain. Please help me!" Tinkling in the background was laughter so cheery.
"You've come to me asking for help. And what is it, Dear Child, that you will offer me in return?" A shoulder draped in spots from old age cradled the phone while fingers gentle fixed the bow of a small girl's dress.
"My soul, your Lady." It was almost painful to take the soul of another young girl, but her children needed to eat. Her dolls were her pride and joy, and all anyone ever wanted was to be made eternal.

Too bad all it took was your soul.
Last edited by Pokemonbragirl on Wed Apr 27, 2011 9:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
We kill the lights and put on a show, it's all a lie, but you'd never know.




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I liked this alot. It was dark and scraed me just a little. I got sucked into the story. It really held my intrest. I would be really happy if you checked out one of my poems and if you want me to review anything else of yours PM me.




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Very interesting, and very dark and sinister sounding. I like the idea that I think your going for its just I think you should keep writing and explain the situation a little better. So if I'm understanding this right your villain or MC which ever Lady Porcelain happens to be, is "helping" people but all she really is doing is taking there souls? Well I like the concept I hope you keep writing!
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.
Benjamin Franklin




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lifts the phone from it's receiver

should be "its." The apostrophe indicates the conjunction of "it is," not the possessive form of "it."

of an elder woman

I'd change that to 'elderly'

Breathing so deep kept the hearts of the small figures sitting at the window racing. Curls bounced as heads turned, glass eyes flickered.

I feel like you are working so hard to make this description flowery and creative that it makes it extremely hard to understand. I don't really know what you are describing.

impatiant = impatient

in the background was laughter so cheery

I'd just change it to 'cheerful laughter.'

if there's something you want you must ask for it.

Needs to have a comma after "want."


I also enjoyed this. Very dark. My main issue was with the description. I really felt that you were trying too hard with it. Like instead of saying that the woman answered the phone, you had to describe the hand picking it up and putting it up to a woman's face. It just ends up being unnecessarily long and unclear.

PM if you ever need me to read anything else.
Lena
stay gold, ponyboy




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This was brilliant. Other than some grammatical errors I've found nothing to critique!!!! It was dark and sinister and quite creepy so it was the sort of thing I love to read! A little more elaboration would've been nice but that would just be a bonus to what is already a great piece. I loved the way you structured it, too, it suited the story well. Brilliant work. I hope to see more like it :)
I reject your reality and substitute my own




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Thank you Lena, for the review. And I suppose it could have been seen as me trying too hard, but really, if I continued to expand on this piece of writing then this would sort of be like the prologue. It's the small part at the very beginning that gives a small taste of what I was trying to portray, and I think that it would've been a bit too dull had I not written so many descriptions about it. I really appreciate your taking time to help me though!

And thanks a ton Alex, I'm glad you like it! :)
We kill the lights and put on a show, it's all a lie, but you'd never know.



who you become at your worst isn't who you are
— canopy