Edge of Insanity

Vyper

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Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:10 pm

Vyper says... · Tue Apr 26, 2011 8:10 pm

Note: This is free-verse, I suck at rhyming.

Edge Of Insanity

I’m standing here looking down
To an endless eternity
The laughter in my ears
Screaming so loud
That I can’t stand anymore of it

The worry and the stress
The hate and confusion
Swirling through my mind in violence
Nothing is here for me

I don’t want to stay
But I don’t wish to leave
My dreams no longer comfort me
No light is left within me

As I struggle with the fight
Not for my body
Not of the heart
But of my mind so dear

My thoughts running away
Nothing seems to be clear
As I struggle with what I see
The voices I hear

So I stand here looking in the face of eternity
On the edge of insanity
Hoping and praying for help that never comes
Until I just wish to give in

Even as the sane part of me yells I begin to fall
The edge
The line
No longer clear but blurred
Until I can’t see myself anymore.

Hope you liked it

- Be excelent to each other,
Vyper

I owe my inspirations for my stories to the bands whose music always matches the mood i'm going for.

Epica
Nightwish
Evanessence
Kamelot

Thank you.

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halogirl4197

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Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:12 pm

halogirl4197 says... · Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:12 pm

I like it!

its very meaningful and dont worry when I write poetry I suck at rhyming too XD

Remember me for who I am, Not for who I was

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Boolovesyou

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Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:48 pm

Boolovesyou says... · Tue Apr 26, 2011 9:48 pm

I’m standing here looking down
To an endless eternity
The laughter in my ears
Screaming so loud
That I can’t stand anymore of it Anymore? When you say anymore it makes me feel like your just going to end it RIGHT NOW! Which would make a short poem. I don't know... I just don't like the anymore, it doesn't fallow through.

The worry and the stress
The hate and confusion
Swirling through my mind in violence In violence... Explain? Are they beating up your mind or what?
Nothing is here for me This is a place where you would put anymore!

I don’t want to stay
But I don’t wish to leave
My dreams no longer comfort me
No light is left within meGood.

As I struggle with the fight
Not for my body
Not of the heart
But of my mind so dear The mind you hold dear? One you need punctuation like crazy which you have pretty much none of in the entire poem.

My thoughts running away My thoughts are running away. or have run away.
Nothing seems to be clear
As I struggle with what I see
The voices I hear Two examples of what you should probably do. what I see; voices I hear. what I see, and the voices I hear.

So I stand here looking in the face of eternity
On the edge of insanity
Hoping and praying for help that never comes- Dash?
Until I just wish to give in

Even as the sane part of me yells I begin to fall
The edge
The line
No longer clear but blurred Quite repetitive...
Until I can’t see myself anymore.

Over all I liked it, but it needs work, especially in the punctuation department

Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.

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TamaraGoesRawr

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Tue Apr 26, 2011 11:48 pm

TamaraGoesRawr says... · Tue Apr 26, 2011 11:48 pm

This is good [: But I think you should try and make it rhyme just a little bit more, so it flows better. I liked the descriptive words and how the feelings were noticeable. Keep wriitng

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Teardrop

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Sun May 01, 2011 7:53 pm

Teardrop says... · Sun May 01, 2011 7:53 pm

I liked this a lot! I think you definatly have a talent for writing lyrics. I thought the song could have had more flow to it, sometimes you can get that by rhyming. A lot of the times when I'm writing poems or lyrics I google "words that rhyme with ____" or whatever word I need something to rhyme with. Sometimes some of the words make sense, sometimes they don't but a lot of the words I find gives me ideas. ^_^

Vyper wrote:Even as the sane part of me yells I begin to fall
The edge
The line
No longer clear but blurred
Until I can’t see myself anymore

This was my favorite, I liked how it tied up the Edge Of Insanity part and it was a nice way to end this. ^_^

Anyway, nice job overall!

~Tear

And are the doctors dancing in, while the ambulances sing. Another boy without a sharper knife. The moment, that's where I kill the conversation, wrap this up with a knife that loves to feel. How do you know how deep to go before it's real?
- Yeah Boy And Doll Face ~ Pierce The Veil

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Glauke

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Sun May 01, 2011 8:11 pm

Glauke says... · Sun May 01, 2011 8:11 pm

Nice!
This looks good, but it's really long. Maybe I'm ADD, I don't know, but I sort of got a little bored around the fifth stanza. From what I did read, though, this looks really good! Keep up the nice work, and welcome to YWS!

❁❁❁

be still, sad heart, and cease repining
behind the clouds is the sun still shining

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tinkembell

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Reviews 96

Sun May 01, 2011 8:33 pm

tinkembell says... · Sun May 01, 2011 8:33 pm

Well, first off, welcome to YWS!

I really liked this poem, and freeverse is fine, it doesn't make it any less of a poem/less epic ^_^
(also, teardrop suggested google-ing, however, I have a little friend called rhymeZone, just, well, um google it and you'll find it! It has rhymes AND near-rhymes, as well as definitions for those words you've never heard of, and synonyms if the word you chose hasn't got the right rhyme.

Now the critique-y part:

[quote="Vyper"]

I’m standing here, looking down,
on an endless eternity.
The laughter in my ears,
screaming so loud,
That I can’t stand it anymore~~of it~~.
well, I won't do EVERY line, but unless you've just put a '.' or '?' or '!' you don't need a capital letter.
Also, where are your commas? I can't be bothered to do 'em red, but I'll put them in

The worry and the stress,
The hate and confusion are,
Swirling through my mind in violence.
Nothing is here for me.

I don’t want to stay,
But I do not wish to leave.
My dreams no longer comfort me,
No light is left within me.

As I struggle with the fight,
Not for my body,
Not of the heart,
But of my mind so dear.

Are you struggling 'with' a fight, of 'for' a fight? You need to choose one

My thoughts are running away,
Nothing seems to be clear.
As I struggle with what I see,
andthe voices that I hear.

So I stand here looking into the face of eternity,
On the edge of insanity,
Hoping and praying for help that will never comes,
Until I just wish to give in.

Even as the remains of my sanity yells; I begin to fall.
The edge,
The line,
No longer clear but blurred,
Until I can’t see myself anymore.

Apart from that, it was great

Keep up the writing!

~TInkem

"The rabbit always squeals in the jaws of the fox, but when has another rabbit ever rushed up to save it?" Damon Salvatore
;'( please, my lump, he just needs HUGS <3
Need a review? Just ask

Just keep writing, just keep writing, do-do-do-do-do

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MOIMOW

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Sun May 01, 2011 8:39 pm

MOIMOW says... · Sun May 01, 2011 8:39 pm

I liked this, because insanity and I are very well acquainted. It is perfectly okay that it doesn't rhyme. Sometimes, when you force something to rhyme that doesn't want to rhyme, it comes out strained and weird-sounding. This read very smoothly. I'm not sure what I can fix, so this is an encouraging review. Everyone needs some of those!

Keep writing!

"Forget love. I'd rather fall in chocolate."

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HelloKitty87

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Points 1124

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Mon May 02, 2011 2:55 am

HelloKitty87 says... · Mon May 02, 2011 2:55 am

Great poem you got here, I like it.. you shouldnt worry too much about the rythym of your poem, your emotions and inspiration and feelings you write down to share all the other writers like ourselves. I think your poem is perfect this way.

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EtCetera

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Mon May 02, 2011 11:15 pm

EtCetera says... · Mon May 02, 2011 11:15 pm

My goodness... I am impressed. You're length doesn't match my Assassin, but it is still very engaging for how long it is. I really only skimmed it, but I am still very impressed on the imagery, the fantastic wording you use. I really liked this stanza:

[center]Edge Of Insanity

So I stand here looking in the face of eternity
On the edge of insanity
Hoping and praying for help that never comes
Until I just wish to give in

- Be excelent to each other,
Vyper

Something is just very... awesome... about how you worded it. Well writ, Vyper. And don't worry, free verse and abstract are just as good as structured poetry. It's easier, too...

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freewritersavvy

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Points 3820

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Mon May 02, 2011 11:20 pm

freewritersavvy says... · Mon May 02, 2011 11:20 pm

I am very impressed! Well done with your imagery and description! I can feel your words.

Keep writing,
~FW~

http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

Writing...they claim it is a dangerous occupation... 'they' have no idea!

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