Young Writers Society

Spoiler

I've been trying to practice using images and descriptive words - things that allow the reader to see what is going on. So that is what inspired me to write this. PLEASE help me with edits

How do you escape
when there are no windows or doors?
There is nothing around you.
Only three walls
a shade of vanilla
and charcoal metal bars making up the fourth wall.
They are not spaced far enough to stick your hand through.

This morning I woke up here
in this torture chamber
that I feel is now my home.

They are everywhere
but who are they?
I have seen them walking all morning.
One stopped to talk to me,
“847, do you know what you’re in for?”

I open my mouth to speak,
but no words come out.
I try again, reaching for my neck.
What I feel is not the smooth skin from before,
but skin that is mutilated and swollen,
scattered with scars and scrapes.
It is sore and I cringe from the pain of my own touch.

Bewilderment and alarm overwhelm me.
What happened?

Panic sets in.
I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head back and forth
hoping it will awake me from this nightmare.
It doesn't.
I open my eyes again and find the man still standing there
on the other side of the bars.
I step towards him,
he steps back.
I try to speak again and still nothing comes out.

The man mistakes me for being deaf
and begins signing to me.
Can't he see my neck?
I have no idea what happened,
but can't he see it?
Doesn’t he know?

As quietly as he came, he leaves.
A heavy lead door slams,
directing my attention to the left.
I remember there is nothing there but a solid cement wall.
Several footsteps echo down the corridor.
There is no talking, just boots against concrete.
A match is struck to light a lantern,
and all electricity is cut.

I am in near darkness.
I can't see anything,
only the faint glow of the freshly lit lantern.
New shadows are being cast.
I know the light is moving,
coming closer to me.
Slowly and quietly I recoil to the back right corner of my small 'home'.
I shrink into a small ball and try to act motionless.
I shake in fear, bumps covering my skin,
my head hidden between my legs.

A click bounces off the walls around me.
I know that sound.
Someone just loaded a handgun.
My curiosity is heightened and I raise my head
just in time to see my assassin.

Wow I like the storie and I think you did a good job of being descriptive and using imagery but I think you focoused on this so much that the storie lacked some emtion.I didnt really feel what the charchter might of felt at that moment. Im not saying there wasnt any emotion but it was very little. I would to see more emotion added to this storie but I thought the storie was very descriptive and I could get a clear image in my mind of the torture chamber. I also liked how you ended the storie. So I think if your goal was to use imagery and desriptiove words you have succeded but there are some things you could change. Overall nice work. I liked the storie .

I think the piece is good, but it would have been better if you focused on all the aspects, such as the characters emotions. As someone noted before, you focused too much on one thing that we, the readers, focus on that same thing too. Next time, try to focus on more than one thing.
Other than that, I liked the format. It was unique.
Keep going

Kirah

Wow. This was chilling and was compelling. I liked your description and you plot. A very good short story. You should write another short story, a prequel. about how he got their? It was really interesting!

Hey,
You held my interest with this story. I'm not sure what you want help with as you've done a good job with description so I'm just going to cover everything.

and 36 charcoal metal bars making up the fourth wall.
I love description, but the exact number is going a bit far. Your character doesn't seem to have enough time to actually count all of the bars. If you feel like you have to have the number than write it out, so it doesn't stick out so much like thirty-six.

That they now call my home.
It seems like she's only in the room for a day. The only guy who talkes to her is speaking to her in sign language. How does she know that. Why would anyone even call it that?

I open my eyes again and find a man standing there
Whose the man? I really wanted to know, and he seems to be there for no good reason. There's no point in him being there.

What fucking retard!
This seems like the wrong reaction. Wouldn't she despair instead of getting angry?

Slowly and quietly I back pedal to the back right corner of my small 'home'
You have such elegant language. Back pedal seems very casual. Maybe retreat?

I liked this, but I wanted more. I wanted to know what happened to her, who the first guy was, why she was there. You raised many questions and killed her off instead of answering them.
I would also like to suggest, since you're very good at description, showing instead of telling. You say many thinkg like It was dark. I could only see the latern. Instead try I was struck with blindness as the electricity was cut off. Dread rose within me as the dim light of the newly lit latern came forward.
This was really great description, so you succeeded in what you were trying to do. You have great potential.
Keep writing,
Megsug

Thanks everyone! I just made changes to the story, I hope it reads better now. Keep the edits/comments coming!!!

<3 Jessa

I will review your poem today!

I think most if not all of the constructive criticizm has been pointed out and the grammar too. I love this and hope to see more soon! The only suggestion I have has already been pointed out. Describe the character's emotions. Is she/he crying at the end when she goes face to face with the assassin? You did a great job focusing on the details and visualization. Keep up the good work!

(If you review any of my work, you should review Alexandra the "Final" versions. They're in 3rd person). Whenever you have time!

You have some comma trouble.

“847, do you know what you’re in for?”

I try again, reaching for my neck.

A few minor pronoun issues.

It is sore and a cringe from the pain of my own touch.

(Take this a and move it to another place. :p I'll point it out in a minute.)

Bewilderment and alarm arise.
What happened?
I thought.

You don't need the a in arise--make it rise instead, or change it to something like "overwhelm me.". Also, I don't think the last line is necessary.

hoping this will awake me from this nightmare.

Maybe change the first "this" to "it."

What a fucking retard!

There's that a. :p

Also, wow.

Good job.

This is fabulous! I loved the imagery. Honestly i didnt want it to end. Great job! Keep writing!!!

Chills when reading this! Spine-tingling chills! I really love the images here, and you did a great job creating an environment. I really was able to visualize everything easily, and I had a clear mental picture through the whole thing. Now for the details....

Only three walls
a shade of vanilla
and charcoal metal bars making up the fourth wall.

The language here is great. Not only is vanilla a concrete color, but it also takes something sweet and places it in a setting that's bitter and dark and dramatic. I don't know if you intended it, but feel free to take credit! haha

They are everywhere
but who are they?
I have seen them walking all morning.
One stopped to talk to me,
“847, do you know what you’re in for?”

This passage is good, but I really think it could use a line in between the first and third ones. Something like "these men in their deathly black uniforms adorned with pins and patches." Just to give the reader an idea of who these people are. I realize he means prison guards, but just for communications sake, consider my idea (even take the sentence I offered if you want! haha). I really like the line that refers to him as 847 too. Very military and professionally unemotional. Really cements the mood.

I'm curious as to the nature of why he is where he is and what his neck injury is. A little vagueness is good at times, but by the end I was just left thinking "well, what was the deal here?" So maybe you could think of some clever way to hint at what happened. Like maybe he overhears the guards/inmates talking, or he has a flashback that he doesn't understand. Something of that nature.

And if this is a prison, why is someone killing him in his cell? That doesn't seem in context. Just another question I think the reader is left with at the end. It's something you might want to think about trying to answer in some way.

Anyway, you have great imagery here. But like some of your other reviews say, try to add a little emotion to it. I felt like he was just doing scripted action. I could get a sense of fear and confusion, but try to get a little more then that. And embellish the emotion too; show what he does on account of his mood. Really get creative with it! Well, if you ever want another review or a kind word, I'm always checking my messages!
- SOCKS

This was really good! Not what I was expecting... An interesting format, I guess, is what I mean. But good, I think. At least for this story. I liked the imagery you used, and I thought your emotion was well-done. You did a really good job of getting into this character's head and showing us what he's thinking in this situation, and how he's reacting to everything that's going on.

"I remember there is nothing there but a solid cement wall." Earlier you said that the other three walls were vanilla... Maybe this is just me, but I hadn't pictured cement as being vanilla-colored.

I'm also a little confused about where this assassin comes from? Is he in the hallway outside, pointing a gun between the bars? Or is he in the cell with her? Is the lead door in the hallway or her cell?

Also, like someone else mentioned, you got a little vague about some things... I'm still not exactly sure what happened to his neck. We don't really know how he ended up here, or anything about the main character, really. Why is this person so important that an assassin comes to kill him? Is he royalty? A criminal? Who is he? Does he even know, or can he not remember? Where does he come from?

Maybe you don't have to answer all those questions, but my point is... I'm still a bit fuzzy on certain aspects of this story.

That said, it's very interesting, it definitely grabbed my attention and left me wanting more (more information. XD), and I think it's very well written. Again, the formatting was an interesting way to do it...

Nice job. ^^ And keep writing.

Hey everyone!

I am getting the feeling that you all want to know more about what happened to the man in the cell, so I am going to write a prequel. I will see if some inspiration will spike tonight while I am at work. All of the questions everyone has asked me do have answers. I will try to include them in the next section of what I write!

Thanks for you support and comments!
-Jessa

That was really good you did really good with the imagery in the story and it would be really easy to turn that into a longer story rather thAn just a short one. But either way it was good !!