a sad love

Gods how I love you so much
And I'm itching just to feel your touch
I want you to have my soul my flesh and blood
But you've left me here in the mud
Who am I without you?
I just do not know what to do
How is it possible that you hurt me this way?
Now I wish you would just go away
And when you are gone I feel lonely inside
My body is a container where sadness resides
I've liked you ever since our paths have crossed
And without you I guess I feel lost

Gods should be God.
my sould my flesh and blood should be my soul, my flesh, and blood

But you've left me here in the mud
can just be
But you've left me in the mud

The rhyming annoyed me, I couldn' really read it without being distracted... I'll think over re-fixing this... but for now, goodnight.

You can tell me how to fix my work when you write it.

Thank you,
Goodnight

How do expect to improve when you won't accept suggestions? We don't pressure you do change your works, but merely offer ways that we believe you can improve it.

I believe the rhyming is a bit forced in this poem, and I agree with the grammatical corrections of The Black Rose. except, of course, the "Gods" case. it can be "Gods" if you so desire. But, punctuation wise, there should be a comma after it.

deaducky8 wrote:You can tell me how to fix my work when you write it.

Thank you,
Goodnight

Hello? Why did you post this here with that kind of attitude? That is the purpose of this site!

Anyway, this feels like it doesn't have a lot of depth to me. 'Twas better than the "dream" poem, but I still didn't feel its truth and meaning, and yes, "Gods" should be "God".

Keep writing.
-*-*--Diana--*-*-

deaducky8 wrote:You can tell me how to fix my work when you write it.

Thank you,
Goodnight

She was only trying to help sheesh, and she does write work. Anyway those mistakes still exist .

Ok, leeches, I'll take your silly advice. Except the black rose.. she annoyes me to no end. Also, Gods is staying Gods, what if I believe in more than one? Telling me to change that one word is like telling me to change what I believe in.

"LEECHES! EEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

GET THEM OFF ME!!! GET THEM OFF ME!!!"

*Pulls out a lighter.*

"I'LL BURN YOU ALL OFF ME YOU SONS OF A B- AHHHH! MY CLOTHES!!!!!!!!"

*Runs around while his clothes are on fire.*

"IT BURNS!"

"STOP DROP AND ROLL GRIF!!"

"AAAAHHHHHH!!! SOMEONE TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES!!!!!!"

*Starts stripping down.*

Wow, that was embaressing, but not as embaressing as posting a Poem and then calling everyone who replies "a leech."

Oh dear, I think I've been insulted.

Ask me if I care.

Actually, it was a warning. No flaming is allowed here, Deaducky.

You have now been *looks at Grif* bluntly warned. Don't flame members, or there will be consequences.

Furthermore, a suggestion; if you want you pieces critiqiqued, post them and we will. If you want your pieces praised to no end with no criticism, let your parents read them.