Human Life

Spoiler

Not really the title but I had to put something.
My thoughts were eluded by a death of girl named Anita, she went to my school I didnt know her but my sister and a whole lot of my sophmore friends did. So this came up when I was trying to write again.

Humans aren't meant to die
Science can't understand our complex designs
They say we come from monkeys
Now who is believing in fairytales
We are made of dust
That's why when we burn we turn to ashes
Our trecherous hearts weren't made to stop beating
Our lungs shouldn't take their last breath
The thought of living forever claims our mind
And our souls know the truth

I think it's a nice piece of writing, but I think you should choose your category more wisely, as it isn't really a short story.

Hi fries!

I think some punctuation would really help this. Complete thoughts are hard to distinguish without them especially because you seemed to ask questions, but there was no question marks.

Why should humans live forever? You say that humans should never die, but you don't give a reason. You say we have complex minds and that were were made from dust, but what does that have to do with anything? You say nothing about the beauty or the spirit we have, the way we can feel such great emotion or (if you believe this, I think you do from the poem) how God breathed life into us. I want some emotion in it. I want you to make me believe for real that humans should live forever. Because the fact that we have complex minds do justice for all the pain and hurt we cause on the world? Why should we leave when we are destroying so much of our beautiful world.

Another thing I have to ask is if we never die how can we go to heaven? Now this is just another opinion, but I am uncertain of what exactly you are trying to say here and these are the questions that popped into my mind. I think you should expand and explain yourselves more.

Besides that this is a great poem. You are on dancing on the edge of getting really deep and I think you just need to push a little harder to get there.

Nitpicks:

They say we come from monkeys
Now who is believing in fairytales I would take out 'in' because the line will be smoother without it.
We are made of dust
That's why when we burn we turn to ashes
Our trecherous hearts weren't made to stop beating Should be spelled 'treacherous'.

If you have any questions P.M. me!

I hope I helped,

A. S.

I think basic content is good, so im gonna go deeper. First lemme say you contradict yourself. Probably on purpose. Moving on.

I disagree. We were indeed made to die. That is exactly what is supposed to happen. And it does.

Buuut, i do agree that death is pointless. It should not exist. It must exist, to keep a balance, but it is a MAJOR setback from our lives. I once heard a song... "in the end, it doesnt even matter"that is so true. Because what happens to everything qe have built up when we die? It goes to our kids? What about when they die? Thier kids? What happens when everyone dies? Billions and trillions of generqtions discoveries and hard work will be lost. Poof. Drifting along in a vast universe. So i aagree. Wholeheartedly. We ARE made to die. But we shouldnt.

I think basic content is good, so im gonna go deeper. First lemme say you contradict yourself. Probably on purpose. Moving on.

I disagree. We were indeed made to die. That is exactly what is supposed to happen. And it does.

Buuut, i do agree that death is pointless. It should not exist. It must exist, to keep a balance, but it is a MAJOR setback from our lives. I once heard a song... "in the end, it doesnt even matter"that is so true. Because what happens to everything qe have built up when we die? It goes to our kids? What about when they die? Thier kids? What happens when everyone dies? Billions and trillions of generqtions discoveries and hard work will be lost. Poof. Drifting along in a vast universe. So i aagree. Wholeheartedly. We ARE made to die. But we shouldnt.

I loved this poem! To me it made sense and I understood it. I liked the topic, you had good ideas here.

Humans aren't meant to die I think you should have a semicolin here
Science can't understand our complex designs
They say we come from monkeys
Now who is believing in fairytales Question mark?
We are made of dust I liked this line the best.
That's why when we burn we turn to ashes
Our trecherous hearts weren't made to stop beating
Our lungs shouldn't take their last breath
The thought of living forever claims our mind
And our souls know the truth End with a period.

I think if you added punctuation, it'd be easier to read. After a while I got the just that you purposely didn't want punctuation but try it out. See if it looks better or sounds better or whatever. If not, then you can always just leave it like this. I really enjoyed this. Great job! Again, I loved he topic. Keep writing!

This made me sad but that's ok. It was really thought out and the emotion was beautiful. Keep up the good work! This was amazing and I can't wait to read more! Good luck and Happy Writing!!! I hope you receive many helpful reviews and best of luck!
Soulkana<3

Hello there.
The idea of the poem was good. But I think it could have been more properly executed. It felt as if these were some random lines about life which were stacked together to make this poem. The first line itself may bring different thoughts to different readers. Why humans aren’t means to die? If a person does not die and stays alive for like, eternity. It would be like a curse for him. Now, this is my personal opinion. You say that humans are not supposed to die and then you say that we are made of dust and that is why we turn to ashes when we die. These two things are not at all related. They are totally different. You could have added much more lines to it as to say that why we are so unique that we should never die. And what about telling that even if we die we are always alive in the thoughts of others? This could also be the unique characteristics because of which a human does not die. And lastly, the punctuations. You see punctuations are like a backbone to a poem. Without punctuations a reader is unable to know where to pause, where to stop, etc. So must add punctuations to your poem.

Some nitpicks now:

Humans aren't meant to die
Science can't understand our complex designs
They say we come from monkeys
Now who is believing in fairytales Now who believes in fairytales?
We are made of dust
That's why when we burn we turn to ashes
Our trecherous hearts weren't made to stop beating It's spelled "treacherous".
Our lungs shouldn't take their last breath
The thought of living forever claims our mind
And our souls know the truth

I know the nitpicks were already picked out before, but I wanted to give the nitpicks in my review so I gave it. XD
And may the soul of the girl who dies, rest in peace. And let me know IF you edit this, it's all up to you. And if you edit it let me know, I would like to review the newer version of it too.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (: