City Of Love | Chapter 3

I wake up at 3 am the next morning.

“Kendra! We will miss our flight!” My mom yells from her Neptune-blue master bathroom.

I yawn and get up.

I figure I could go in my PJ’s, so I walk down the stairs and get myself some ‘Cheerios’.

Except they don’t make me very ‘Cheery’.

I still wonder why Nicolle was acting so weird.

“Morning champ!” my dad says with a yawn. We’re all tired.

I heat up my milk in the microwave for 25 seconds.

Then I sit down at my brown maple kitchen table.

Buzz, Buzz. My phone vibrates which makes my milk ripple.

I got a new text from… Chad.

‘Morning!(: I got up early to say bye! Hope you liked the present…’

Present? What present?

‘Um. What present?’

‘Oh. The one in your mailbox(; hope you like it Kenny..’

I put on my brown ‘Domo’ slippers and walk outside.

The sun beams down onto my face as I slowly walk.

What can it be? I think to myself.

I slowly open the steel mailbox.

The handle is cold even though it is 80 degrees outside.

Oh. My. God.

He got me a camera!?

‘(: Wow Chad you got me a HD camera?’

‘Yeah! (:’ He texted back.

After texting him for twenty minutes I tell him I have to go.

‘Um Kendra? I have a question..’

‘Yeah??’

‘Are we going out? ..’

There is a long pause. Then I manage to get my fingers out of shock and text him back.

‘Yeah(: I’ll call you when I get there! Bye’

“Kendra! Hurry up and get inside! You’ve been out there for an hour!” My mom yells from the front door.

I run inside and ask my mom if I can go to Paris in my PJ’s.

After I said that I knew how stupid it sounded. PJ’s in PARIS.

About an hour after that we were on the plane.

Hello passengers this is your pilot speaking. We will be taking off in about six minutes.

I opened my laptop and chatted to Nicolle.

Here’s how it went:

.NikiBlah1: Wow you have internet ON THE PLANE? Coool! (:

Kendra13: Haha. Yeah I can’t believe it either! I’m just lucky were on summer vacation! (:

NikiBlah1: Hahaha! Yeah!! I’m so bored here at home!! [:

Kendra13: Um sorry! Haha hey y did u have to leave so quickly that other day?

NikiBlah1: Well, I really like Chad. And I’m always jealous of you! ]:

I pause. Jealous? Of ME? Are we still talking about Kendra Kingsley?

NikiBlah1: Ken? Are you there?? HELLO!?

Kendra13: Yes! I just don’t see how YOU, the pretty CHEERLEADER is jealous of ME, the ski club captain.

NikiBlah1: Oh PAH-LEASE! You are 1. PRETTY 2.Chad kissed YOU. Not me! 3. You get to go to PARIS!

Kendra13: So? I’m pretty okay thanks! I don’t know WHY he did. But he did! And we saved up for this trip!

NikiBlah1: I have to.. Go.

Kendra13: Yeah. You have to ‘go?’

NikiBlah1 Has signed off. Send her a message.

Oh the messages I’d send her. Why is she acting so prissy?

She has no right to put it out in me.

I turn on my iPod and put on ‘LaRoux- Bulletproof’ and fall asleep.

By the time I wake up, we’re landing in Paris, the City Of Love.

Detail. Detail. Detail, please. It's the key part of writing. There's a fine line between too much detail and too little - you are way into the 'too little' zone. We want to know how the character feels when she gets up. Better yet, what wakes her up? Most people can't wake up at certain times without some stimulus. Maybe the alarm clock went off. Maybe her mom woke her up. Either way… please, detail.

I found the whole camera thing completely unrealistic. Please, try to stay in the realistic realm if you're not writing fantasy. They don't even know if they're going out and he got her a camera? Umm, what?

I'm also finding the character to be very stuck up, prissy, self centred. While you seem to be trying to make her come off as humble and not knowing her own qualities, it's backfiring. Of course, if your aim is to make her that way, you're doing well. If not… well…

Your story actually has potential, but you need to put more detail in! How does the character feel? What wakes her up? What does she think of the camera? What is she thinking about Nicolle? Again, detail, detail, detail. Please remember this. I can't stress it enough.

I rarely say this, but you really need more detail. At the same time though, you need fewer details. For instance, the only things you really describe are what she's wearing. Those really aren't interesting details, and they lead to a very shallow impression of the character. After all, in real life, consider how you perceive people who only talk or care about what they or another person are wearing. You think that they're shallow, correct? Same basic principle.

If you want people to understand and empathize with your characters, you have to show what they're like, how they're feeling, and reasons why they're feeling or acting that way. If your readers can follow or understand your characters' reasons for their actions and feelings, then they'll be able to relate more to your characters, and so your characters will feel more real to them.

Right now, there's none of the needed details, like how a character is feeling, how they are acting, nor any of the whys, and so your characters and their actions feel unrealistic, flat, and ultimately uninteresting.

Try showing us what your characters are like as people by showing us their actions; don't just tell us "They do this" and "They do that", and don't just tell us what they're wearing. Make your characters seem like more than just dressed up dolls, and your story will be so much better for it.