Drained chapt. 1

Drained
Chapt. 1

"The faded green trees were the first thing I noticed once I realized I was dreaming. However, at the time, my "dream" mind was obviously used to this place as I walked across the bridge without being afraid that something from my own mind could strike out and hurt me. My dreams aren't usually this peaceful, but this makes me wonder, could they become so peaceful that they turn back into ordinary dreams like I had before Shadow had entered my life. Now that I think back on my dream, I realize that maybe Shadow isn't the kind of badass I expected when I first met him....."

As I cross the bridge I notice a black flag hanging from one of the large faded green trees. The flag was like paint, splattered onto the tree and slowly bleeding down its side. My dream body ignores it and keeps walking. I couldn't see the end of the bridge because of the light blue and grey mist coating the it. However, I walk through with no fear or worry.

After about what seemed like twenty minutes of walking I arrive to the thickest of the mist and I freeze. A cold substance begins to drip down my spine, I couldn't concur if it was water or sweat but all I knew was that my heart began to pound. My dream body began to nip at my fingers, something I usually did in the real world when I became nervous. Abruptly, the fog is pushed away as if some giant hand swept down and swiped it up. I realize the edge of the bridge stood before my feet. My dream body smiles and takes a step on to the ground. A swirling sensation enveloped my foot as the dirt suddenly became purple water. I leap back in shock. The purple water began to slowly eat away at the bridge, evaporating it. I began to back away until my cold back pressed against a figure standing behind me. I gasp and jump around to see the cloaked thing that always appeared in my dreams. I call him Shadow because of his black night cloak that clung to his body and he stood over me like a shadow.

"You're quite in a mess, aren't you?" He said, grinning. The hood covered his eyes but not his dark pink lips that moved so softly when he spoke. At first, they made my heart flutter and made me believe he was a gentle and calm guy but every since a couple nights ago when I fell into the pit of rats he conjured, I've despised him.

"Did you make this water?" I growl, frowning. The urge to hit him was overwhelming but if I did, I'd be "punished". His punishments were done with no mercy, his swift hand of justice could easily overcome me since I’ve never been able to best him.

He rolls his eyes and murmurs sarcastically, "I do nothing wrong."

"Yeah right!"

His smile immediately fades and slowly he moves his hand to the top of his head and removes the hood. I gasp as I meet his eyes only briefly before I tumble into the burning purple water. Dragging downward, I stare at his face as the water burns my eyes and pulls me under. Breathless and petrified, I struggle to reach him, praying he'd help me and comfort me from this horrible mess.

Then I reach the bottom of the pool as my eyes close, Shadow still staring at me as I'm taken under into oblivion.
***
The silent whisper of the door being knocked on draws me away from my re-caption of my dream. I look up to see that my door was cracked and, my little sister's puffy blond head was poking in. I wince at the look of her red cheeks and puffy eyes, waves of sadness flood into my room.

I close my notebook and set it back onto my nigtstand, saying, "had a bad dream, Zoe?"

She shakes her head, biting her lip, "No, I heard an awful noise and I got scared."

I nod as she pads into my room with her bear, Kam, trailing along behind her. She crawls into my bed as I click off the light and the yellow glow from my room ceases. Her round face and dark blue eyes calm as she eases down beside me.

She smiles softly, "b-before we go to bed, I-I got something to tell you, well, Kam told me to tell you this, Willow."

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. First of all, I hate being called by my real name; I prefer Will, just Will. Next, Zoe has a thing about pretending that Kam could speak to her. It reminds me of that creepy movie with the little girl and the talking bunny, but abruptly Zoe draws me from my thoughts with words that nearly make me leap out of my skin.

"Kam said that his eyes were blue."

The first paragraph made me wonder if you had a prologue. Because it sort of picked up in the middle of nowhere. o.o'' It took me a while to realize she was dreaming. The first time you said "dream body," I didn't get it.

I might suggest you pick a different way to start it. Something that'll give us a better indication of where she is, or what she's doing, rather than leaving us readers feeling like we've started reading halfway through. You don't need to overly explain the part that she'd dreaming, it's just… the way you started it.

Maybe put dialogue before that first sentence. So instead of "As I cross the bridge," (this is the part that made me check for a prologue, and to see if it was on chapter 1), you're letting us feel a part of Willow's world.

Good use of imagery in the dream. I personally think you could've given us more description on little Zoe (what does she look like?).

I liked the way you ended it. Very dramatic, not what the reader was expecting. Good job there. I'm excited to see where this goes.

He smiles and chuckles, "I can never do no wrong! Why must you accuse me?"

You do realize a double negative makes a positive?
Your beginning is a bit slow, but not too bad all things considered.
Your description was okay, but there is room for some improvement. Just play around with it a little. Feel the story, don't force it.

Other then the above, I found this interesting and the ending left me wanting more!

Keep it up,
~FW~

Hey Holly! I'm Kayla, I just made a quick account so I could comment on this, and so far, I would more likely than not buy your book, if it was published!!! Great job, Holly

Great improvement! Very, very, well done!

Keep it up and I can't wait to read more!

~FW~

Hello!

The opening passage is a little unclear. I understand what you are trying to say but I would try and work on the sentence structures.

"The faded green trees were the first thing I noticed once I realized I was dreaming. However, (why however? if you are not making a counterpoint. that is not needed - also why was it at the time?) at the time, my "dream" (the quotations make it seem less authentic, they are not needed either because they seem to be mockingmind was obviously used to this place as I walked across the bridge without being afraid that something from my own mind could strike out and hurt me (run on). My dreams aren't (you change tenses here, from past -noticed, realized- to present -aren't)usually this peaceful, but (take out but and make this a new sentence) this makes me wonder, could they become so peaceful that they turn back into ordinary dreams like I had before Shadow had entered my life. Now that I think back on my dream, I realize that maybe Shadow isn't the kind of badass I expected when I first met him....."

I couldn't concur if it was water or sweat

A word like concur doesn't match the diction and tone that you used previously. It gives the choked-on-a-thesaurus impression. Say decide, figure out, determine, something that matches the informality that you already presented. Being informal is not a bad thing and is more pleasurable for normal people to read ^^

My dream body smiles and takes a step on to the ground. A swirling sensation enveloped my foot as the dirt suddenly became purple water. I leap back in shock.

I think you should stick with one POV, you switch back and forth between "my dream body" which is third person and "I" which is first person. It is confusing whether this is a situation you are watching or experiencing.

The ending of the dream was fantastic! I liked how dramatic it was. Actually, the entire ending was great. I really get the mood you set up. Nice job!