I Just Do Everything Wrong

I can't even open my mouth without shit coming out.
My mind is in a constant bout,
With conscience, that's true
But misleading.
Sometimes I start what I shouldn't do.

Take all the insecurities, piled inside,
Add a cup of shy - miles wide;
You get me on a better day,
Always pleading,
Baked and broiled in disarray.

When I try to voice my strife,
Conciousness always beats me back - serrated knife.
Can't speak without a bruise,
Nod and crying,
They never fit into my shoes.

The madness comes in a flash,
My ever-growing, puss-flowing rash
Finally steams out of my ears.
Broken screaming,
No one stops to hear.

(Hope you guys liked it. I haven't been on in a VERRRRY long time! Glad to be back )

I like the word play and the opening line because the expletive really draws me in.

I can't even open my mouth without shit coming out.
My mind is in a constant bout, this line doesn't fit, maybe rhyme with line 4?With conscience, that's true
But misleading.
Sometimes I start what I shouldn't do.

Basically, though the rhythm is catchy, it's worn a worn format, and maybe we should experiment more with the structure, as I suggested earlier, I'll make a feeble attempt at it---

I can't even open my mouth without shit coming out.
My mind is always in a fight,
With my conscience, that is true, small little words make the biggest difference
but not really right.
Sometimes I start what I shouldn't do.

I like how the second stanza reinforces the conversational tone with the coffee stuff, real nice, (though its a cup of "shy", whatever that is )

I don't know about the "serrated knife" beating him back, I wouldn't use a serrated edge to blungeon someone, I'd shred them to pieces!

Not a real good try on my part here, but maybe---

consciousness always beats me back, can't speak without a bruise, CAN'T TICK WITHOUT A TACK?

I know its childish but...

Pretty Epic last stanza.

Anyway, a good conversation, just make sure to reign yourself in as you get a little too indulgent someplaces, definitely work on this somemore.

YAAY!

Hi, like Bolshevik i would say that the first line was very nice!! Very well written but a little improvement would be healthy for your poem... good work!!:)

Alright, first of all, you shouldn't put rhyming first in poetry. If you do, it makes the lines seemed forced and out of place. I'm not saying that you're poem is bad because there's rhyme in there, just that some lines seems a bit forced and doesn't contribute much towards the story. Like the second part of this stanza:

JaneThermopolis wrote:When I try to voice my strife,
Conciousness always beats me back - serrated knife.
Can't speak without a bruise,
Nod and crying,
They never fit into my shoes.

The last line seemed to appear out of the blue without an explanation.

Although I do love the last three lines of this:

JaneThermopolis wrote:The madness comes in a flash,
My ever-growing, puss-flowing rash
Finally steams out of my ears.
Broken screaming,
No one stops to hear.

I don't get what finally steams out of your ears. Is it the puss-flowing rash, because it seemed a bit weird to have a rash in your ear.

So basically like Bolshevik have suggested, try finding another rhyming structure or something like it. I'm no good at rhyming myself so I can't help much in that department. Sorry .
That being said, your grammar is immaculate and I can't find any grammatical error in there.
Well done!

It is very confusing at times, as other comments were saying, but it's good. I like the comparisons you use, even though I don't understand all of them. It needs a little editing, but I thought it was interesting.

Hey there, Jane! I meant to review this a while back and then I completely forgot! But I figured what better time to review it then now!

So I want to say right off of the bat that I do like the vibe of this poem. For some reason, I can imagine many of these lines:

“a cup of shy – miles wide”
“my ever-growing, puss-flowing rash”
“they never fit into my shoes”

Being spat out by some quirky but erratic character who doesn’t quite fit in with everyone else Someone who seems to just sort of bumble along behind the rest of the marching band with a broken drum harness and a swollen big toe until the infection in that toe finally erupts all over the inside of their shoe and the harness finally snaps and they trip over their own two feet.
(I think I just went a little overboard there with telling you what I felt as I read this, huh?)

Anyways…
One thing that did really bother me about your poem is the rhyming. I really do think that rhyming has become a bit overdone and unless it’s done discreetly, it seems to overpower many poems because it stifles the rhythm which should really be the most powerful part of a poem. Plus, many times, using a strict rhyme scheme can old you back on your vocabulary which can be a very powerful part of the poem.

But overall, rhyme and all, this is a pretty fine poem.

Anyways, it’s great to see you back on the site again and if you need anything, well, I’ve already told you that you can always contact me via PM or wall.

~lilymoore