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The Lakeside Pact

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Chapter 1
The Lakeside Pact. That was what we called it. Us three eighth grade girls, well on their way to freshman year, decided to get back at some of the guys that had hurt us. Ever heard the saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Try applying that to vindictive, twisted, and angry middleschoolers. Yeah, I shiver too. We brought the heat and we carried drama in our back pockets.
Before I tell you our story I have to tell you the history. It's a long, turbulent journey fraught with with confusion, heartbreak and inconvenience (in the words of Lemony Snicket) So I'll just give you the good parts. Lets start with Chance. He was my dads girlfriends son. Well, long story short he moved in with me, went to my school, and all of my friends fell for him. Including me. Complicated right? Well, he's a good guy and all, but he knows we all like him. That's trouble, guys tend to get big heads. He decides he has to pick one of us. His options: Me (Nelissa). Then Hannah. Morgan. Then there is Karmen. I love my dear friend but it seems to always be her that guys like. And she has a boyfriend.
Can you see where this is going? He choose Karmen. What was his next move you ask? Exactly that, a move. It didn't work out between our parents and he left. Basically dropped off the face of the earth besides communication on Facebook. We were all left pining over him while he moved on. Then slowly, in a sense we did. We realize it wasn't his fault and during the situation I never once blamed him. Now though, I have the urge to be vindictive. My friends agree.
On to the next victim. Do you remember Karmen's boyfriend Zack? Turns out he's a lying, cheating, bastard who thinks he can take advantage of my friend. Fool me, shame on you, screw my best friend your dead meat. So she broke up with him but I had more in store.
Finally, we are at my favorite part. Note: at the beginning I said three friends but there were four of us. Hannah didn't join. Anyways, I said we weren't the poster children for junior playboy bunnies, all of being overweight in varying degrees. We wanted to change that. I was the only one who had a birthday in the middle of summer. June in fact but I decided to put it off until July. That way we would have more time to get in shape. We were wearing bikinis to my next swimming party.
Here is where revenge comes in. chance had a best friend Jeff. You see I never met Jeff in person, but we become friends over the internet. It's customary to invite friends to parties right? Don't want anyone to be left out. Then, wouldn't it just hurt all of Chance's little feelings if all of the girls that used to like him, and are gorgeous now, were all over his best friend? Then Zack. Karmen had to suck it up here. She needed to play like she wanted to go back out with him. Invite him to my party, then watch him watch her hang all over some other guy. Maybe even throw Chance a bone because Zack hates him and would steam at seeing them together.
I'm going to skip the months between making the pact and the actual party because its nothing I want to relive. Dieting, exercising, counting calories, counting points. It was traumatic. In the end we pulled it off. We looked great, we were excited, and the drama in our back pockets? Well, it was time to pull it out.

Okay, so chapter one is done. Do you like? If so press that little word at the top that says like. Review, review, review. Tell me if I should continue or put this in the recycle bin on my computer.
Last edited by PandaRawr on Sat Apr 23, 2011 8:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.
When you turn to face the sun, all of the shadows fall behind you.
I used to be Writer97 but that was boring so I changed it. PandaRawr is more me.




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Hey there :)

I liked this, and I think that you should continue it. The storyline seems origional and interesting. There are just a few things that you could work on a bit.

One of the first things that I noticed is that you are telling us everything. Especially in the second paragraph. Almost all of that important information about the characters was lost to me, beacuse I couldn't focus on that huge block of information. Especially since this is your first character, you want to draw the reader in, not scare them away with a list of facts. Maybe you could try a scene with them hanging out to try and deliver some of the information in a more reader-friendly way?

Over all, I didn't see any grammar mistakes, good job! There was just one thing that threw me off a little.
and angry Junior Highs.
I think that you should change "Junior Highs" to some thing like "middle schoolers" or something, because it sounds like you are talking about the actuall schools.

Great job though! I will be back for more if you continue it, it's a very origional idea!
~Poem :)
"We played Pin the Tail on the Reason My Life Feels So Insufficient, and nobody won." -Megan Moriarty




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Hola!

Okay, personally, I felt like I was watching a movie in fast forward. I think you should slow it down and write with more detail. Also, I think you might want to put this in romantic short stories, or novels if you decide to go further with this.

It's your decision if you want to go further with this, but if you do, you should slow it down. Nice job though.
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Hey,

I agree with Amfliflier, this was like a movie on fast-forward. What you need to do is expand this chapter and thoroughly explain each aspect of the plan/pact thing. The idea is original and unique and I personally, really like it. Is it just me, or does it seem that there's going to be a shock killer ending or something? Anyway, good job!

Grade: B

PM me if you have questions!

~Jas
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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Okie dai, so, *cracks nuckles* let's gets started...

I did sort of like the feel, and the way the narrator talked... there was some good discription and stuff....

However,

It was quite confusing. Honestly, I couldn't keep track of the different people, and after reading it I'm not completely positive what you were going on about half the time... and, also, it could use some cleaning up (gramatically that is). I don't like to nitpick, but if you would just look over it closely I'm sure you could clean it up yourself some.

I think you should continue it... just edit this part, because it does sound sort of interesting... I think (like I said, I'm sort of confused)...

--
Tabby



Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela