Please Stay

You make me smile
You make me laugh
You make it okay
You make me want to beg you to stay
You make me wish upon shooting star
For a love I know will never be ours
I love you more than you could ever know
I love you in a way that rips apart my soul
And you say you care
But you can't deny
The real reason why
You only care because your a good person
Too good for me
I dont deserve you
And I just wait for you to leave
Cause you don't even know why you stay
why you put up with me
And no one ever stays
So why should you?
And everyday
I fall a little deeper in love
I let myself hope
I let myself pray
That for once somebody will stay

This is really good. But you had a small mistake with capitals on the line where it says " cause you don't even know why you stay"; it's just minor. Other than that there's nothing wrong with it. Good job.

Oh thank you. I will fix the mistake. Your the first person to review =). So Im nt horribble?

Hi I'm Snickerdooly! Welcme to YWS I hope you love it here as much as I do! Some of the time I never get any reviews on my pieces but thats the only bad part. So about this poem that you wrote I thought it was really nice and said a lot of things that flowed nicely and had good rythme. This piece was also really sad and emotional! I think you did a great job I'll definitely look out for more of your work! Thanks for posting I enjoyed this so much!
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Thank you soo much that means alot me and I will defintley be looking at you work now.

this peice actually reminds me of a poem i did called Vanished As If You Weren't There
i really like your work its awesome

Thank you. Im going to go check out that poem of yours.

I just wanted to say that I love this poem! The last two lines for me were the best!

Thank you. Everybody on here is so nice. =) Im going to go check out your work now.

This poem is really prettyyy =) You put alot of emotion in it and repeating certain parts of it give it a good effect hahaha. It also had good rythm and ryhming at some points.I liked the line...
And everyday
I fall a little deeper in love
I just thought it was cool =)
Welcome to YWS. I hope you enjoy it!! I can review any of your works if you ask =]

Thank you. That was a really sweet review. I like your poetry too. Right now this is the only thing I have posted but I might post something later tonight or tommorrow. If you could revi my poem when I post it I would be really greatful. Also if you ever have something you want me to review just tell me.

Here as requested!
Blue = comment
Red = fix

alwaysjustme wrote:You make me smile
You make me laugh
You make it okay
You make me want to beg you to stay
You make me wish upon shooting stars
For a love I know will never be ours --> Nice rhyme with stars and ours :]
I love you more than you could ever know
I love you in a way that rips apart my soul --> This was my favorite line of the entire poem!
And you say you care
But you cant deny --> It should be can't
The real reason why
You only care because your a good person
Too good for me
I dont deserve you
And I just wait for you to leave
Cause you dont even know why you stay --> It should be don't
why you put up with me
And no one ever stays
So why should you?
And everyday
I fall a little deeper in love
I let myself hope
I let myself pray
That for once somebody will stay --> Really strong ending! Good job!

Very nice! I liked this a lot. One thing I found...maybe try to go through and add some punctuation. While reading it I had some trouble because I didn't know where one idea ended and the next one started. All in all this was a very good first post! Keep it up!

-Jessa

Hello I'll be your reviewer today. Overall I loved your piece, I don't really review poems I just write them. There's one thing I noticed that you didn't really pay attention to your commas and periods and stuff like that. I personally don't care but some of the people on yws will correct you on it. It kinda was a little confusing because I didn't know when one idea ended and another started. Loved it though. If you would please review some of my works to. Thanks.

Heyy!:) Just wanted to say that I think this poem is really good and it almost took my breathe away...I always have trouble finding a good poem to read but yours was really good:) keep writing.

full of cliche, completely devoid of sensory detail, repetitive, forced rhyme, inactive, uninteresting, nearly style-less.

here is my advice. When you write, try to SHOW and not TELL. Which is sort of a cliche suggestion, but I think it's a good place to start. Experiment with sensory detail, words and images that appeal to the senses, because after all, that is how we experience the world. Through our senses. Emotions are only secondary.

Or, keep doing what you're doing. Your poetry is personal, I understand that, but that's all it will be.

also, try reading some poetry.

best,