An Abyss of Blue

[A picture of a mermaid surrounded by jellyfish inspired this, so I hope you like it. :3]

They floated in an abyss of blue,
engulfed, they lived in a world unknown to those less fortunate
my heart longed to be among the waves too,
though for me the swaying seaweed would be a tourniquet

Their long legs catch the bubbles in the water,
propelling themselves through the open sea
if it were me, my legs would tangle as I'm from a human father,
the tint of my cheeks would brighten while at home sat my warm cup of tea

A current of electricity sang through them, magnifying their beauty,
while electricity through me would be devastating
alas, it's not meant to be, for mine is not the voice of the sea
so here I sit watching them breathe in an abyss of waves berating

This is very good and I loved it. I have only one thing to say try to shorten the lines so it flows smoother...if you can ^^ Otherwise the descriptions are very vivid and I can picture the scene very well. The emotion behind this is very well done as well. Good luck and Hope you like it here!!! May you have many good reviews and may you improve with the help of others!!!
Happy Writing and Keep up the good work!
Soulkana<3

Thank you Soul! I'm shocked I got a reply so quickly o; I hope to get a lot better on this site, I was surfing around for somewhere to write and reviews say this is a good place to start. I'm hoping my shyness of posting will fade :3

First of all: WELCOME! Apart from the fact (already pointed out) that you should shorten the lines, the poem is good. I love the voice. It was solemn and peaceful. I also love your poetic diction. It made the imagery vibrant for the reader to viualise. On the other hand, I think you should check the punctuations in this piece again. Other than that, It's a good piece! Good luck! Hope you enjoy writing here! Welcome once again!

You're a real' good writer!
There's a lot of imagery here - and I think that the descriptions you've used are exactly my kind of thing.
Just perfect.
Perfect little poem.

And there's really nothing to critique - apart from what's already been said. All this now needs is more of a poem structure/rhythm. And I think that this would fit excellently into a story, without it being a poem - although it's great as a poem anyway


Keep on and on using this site I want to read more, more, more

The tone of this piece is very pleasant and innocent. I can almost imagine that this was written by a five-year-old learning about everything for the first time (not that you're a five-year-old learning about everything for the first time, of course ) and the simple abab rhyme scheme reflects that. Some of the lines were a little long and could be shaved down, and as mentioned before there was some iffy punctuation placement, but otherwise this was a good effort. Nice job

This is a pretty poem, but I think it would benefit from being free verse. Right now the rhyming seems ridiculous, as you have no meter. The tea line seems especially like you were reaching for a rhyme. I also think the piece could benefit from proper punctuation.

You do have some good images in this piece. Keep reading and reviewing other works on the site, they will help you learn what works and what doesn't. Welcome and keep writing!

honestly great job! i love the whole fantasy feel to it...i can just imagine it in my head! Im not much a poet but really good work!

This is a really cool piece! It perfectly captures the wish of a human being to be able to swim in the ocean with all of the other creatures. Keep up the great work!

Ok I'm officially a fan! You're really quite talented and paint a great image. The flow needs a bit of a tweak but otherwise it was a wonderful piece of writing

Wow! I love this. I mean the imagery, the diction. It's pretty good. Nothing else to say other than what's already been said. I'm new on here so if you could review when I post stuff... Well that would be awesome =). Again, good job.