Demon's Blood

I can hear the rustling sound the leaves made when the wind kissed them gently. I can smell blood flowing with the midnight breeze. I stood, breathing in the cold air. I sighed, and looked around. Would I really have to leave behind these trees with golden leaves and flowers with silver petals? I already know the answer to that question. Of course I will. How else will I find out what that smell is coming from? I inhaled deeply, and turned to the west. Now, that's not a good sign.

Is that demon's blood? What's going on?

I ran in the western direction as fast and as hard as I could. As I ran, I passed more of the golden-leaved trees I had seen earlier. I could see the edge of the forest, and I slowed to a stop. What I saw there affected the rest of my life forever.

Oh no Cahri...and Alex? This isn't good... Wait, they aren't fighting?

Then I saw the dark figure in front of them. He didn't see Cahri or Alex. All he, or she saw was me. My two best friends turned, and gasped. I wasn't supposed to be here. I turned and sprinted back.

"Ellie," I heard Cahri scream. "Don't run back! You'll die! The upperclassmen will find out and track you down!"

"I don't care! The people back at the academy can drown for all I care!" I yelled.

The Academy of Blood Demons. If the President of the school's student committee found out I ran from an unknown creature, they would dub me a failure, and remove me from the school. I would never be allowed in any demon's school again. So, to answer the question you may have, yes, I am a demon. A demon of death. So, why was I accepted into a school for blood demons? I wish I knew.

I kept running not listening to my friend's warnings, and before I knew it, the dark figure had appeared before me. Cahri screamed, and started sprinting. I summoned both of my friends to my side.

"Cahri, Alex," I said, my voice hoarse. "I'm gonna defeat this guy. I don't know who he is, but nobody messes with my friends."

Shine, blades of the dead. Let me see your silver blade, and destroy this being! This spell would not only destroy this guy, but me as well.

The figure's body started to deteriorate. I feel horrible, like something is ripping me apart from the inside out. I see that the guy's face is appearing from behind his hood. Oh...god...what have I done?!

It....rather, he is my older brother... I just murdered my older brother and committed suicide.

I can hear Michael's voice inside my head.

Oh, Lord, I ask you to demolish the spell my dear sister has cast, and to forgive her.

"Demon God. Your child requests assistance. Keep the spell from being deflected. I thank you for your guidance." I whisper.

I hear Cahri gasp, and I take control of her body. My hair is reverting to its normal white, and my body turns around. My eyes are turning red. I release Cahri, and I recast my spell.

"Shine, blades of the dead. Let me see your silver blade, and destroy this being!" I say, trying to sound like I won't die.

I can feel my body disappearing. My brother's face is one of total shock.

"Why, Ellie? Why would you cast that spell even though you know the consequences?" My brother asked.

"I had to in order to protect my best friends." I said.

"Then let us speed up the process!" Michael yelled.

"Satan destroy us!!" I scream, hoping for my master to hear my voice.

"God, take her back from the realm of the demonic!" He yells, but unfortunately, his prayer lays unheard.

I turn around just as the last of my body is disappearing, and smile. I can hear Cahri screaming and crying for me not to go, but I can't. I made a pact with Satan.

In the end, I never found out where the smell of demon's blood was coming from.

I can hear the rustling sound the leaves made when the wind kissed them gently. I can smell blood flowing with the midnight breeze. I stood, breathing in the cold air. I sighed,Use of comma; It would sound better if you got rid of it. But that's my opinion and looked around. Would I really have to leave behind these trees with golden leaves and flowers with silver petals? I already know the answer to that question. Of course I will. How else will I find out what that smell is coming from? I inhaled deeply,The use of comma, again and turned to the west. Now, that's not a good sign.

Is that demon's blood? What's going on?

I ran in the western direction as fast and as hard as I could. As I ran, I passed more of the golden-leaved trees I had seen earlier. I could see the edge of the forest, and I slowed to a stop. What I saw there affected the rest of my life forever.

Oh no Cahri...and Alex? This isn't good... Wait, they aren't fighting?

Then I saw the dark figure in front of them. He didn't see Cahri or Alex. All he, or she, saw was me. My two best friends turned, and gasped. I wasn't supposed to be here. I turned and sprinted back.

"Ellie," I heard Cahri scream. "Don't run back! You'll die! The upperclassmen will find out and track you down!"

"I don't care! The people back at the academy can drown for all I care!" I yelled.

The Academy of Blood Demons. If the President of the school's student committee found out I ran from an unknown creature, they would dub me a failure, and remove me from the school. I would never be allowed in any demon's school again. So, to answer the question you may have, yes, I am a demon. A demon of death. So, why was I accepted into a school for blood demons? I wish I knew.

I kept running, not listening to my friend's warnings, and before I knew it, the dark figure had appeared before me. Cahri screamed, and started sprinting. I summoned both of my friends to my side.

"Cahri, Alex," I said, my voice hoarse. "I am gonna defeat this guy.'I'm going to defeat him' would have sounded a bit better to me I don't know who he is, but nobody messes with my friends."

Shine, blades of the dead. Let me see your silver blade, and destroy this being! This spell would not only destroy this guy, but me as well.

The figure's body started to deteriorate. I feel horrible, like something is ripping me apart from the inside out. I see that the guy's face is appearing from behind his hood. Oh...god...what have I done?!

It....rather, he is my older brother... I just murdered my older brother and committed suicide.

I can hear Michael's voice inside my head.

Oh, Lord, I ask you to demolish the spell my dear sister has cast, and to forgive her.

"Demon God. Your child requests assistance. Keep the spell from being deflected. I thank you for your guidance." I whisper.

I hear Cahri gasp, and I take control of her body. My hair is reverting to its normal white, and my body turns around. My eyes are turning red. I release Cahri, and I recast my spell.

"Shine, blades of the dead. Let me see your silver blade, and destroy this being!" I say, trying to sound like I won't die.

I can feel my body disappearing. My brother's face is one of total shock.

"Why, Ellie? Why would you cast that spell even though you know the consequences?" My brother asked.

"I had to in order to protect my best friends." I said.

"Then let us speed up the process!" Michael yelled.

"Satan destroy us!!" I scream, hoping for my master to hear my voice.

"God, take her back from the realm of the demonic!" He yells, but unfortunately, his prayer lays unheard.I love that

I turn around just as the last of my body is disappearing, and smile. I can hear Cahri screaming and crying for me not to go, but I can't. I made a pact with Satan.

In the end, I never found out where the smell of demon's blood was coming from.

You don't have to use these; these are just tips you might want to change. It's a good plot.
Keep going

Kirah

Thanks, though, I'm not surprised to see that my laptop forgot the "a" in "that". This thing is wearing down on me...

Hello!

I thought this piece of writing was very intriguing. It keeps the readers attention throughout and never falters. I was listening to music when I began reading, but all of my attention was redirected and 100% focused on your story.

The only faults I found have already been pointed out by Kirah, above. The comma at the beginning:

I sighed, and looked around.

and here:

I inhaled deeply, and turned to the west.

I agree that it would look more pleasing to the audience if the commas were removed, but either way it works out.

"I am gonna defeat this guy."

Once more, I agree with Kirah, that this would have sounded better as: "I am going to defeat him." Although, considering Ellie's situation at that moment in time, the sentence you used fits. Since, how many of us really use a full sentence and pronounce 'going to' when we are in a tight spot? Not many. So, your choice fits.

Sorry that I was unable to provide any other comments other than the few that were already provided, but I agreed on those and did not find fault with anything else. Very nice work and I hope to see other pieces of your work soon!

~Rhonwenn

Boom! Bang! Things happen! Things that affect the character's entire life! And there's absolutely no context! Bang!

...in other words, this is not a story. It's a clip from the middle of a novel. I'm not sure what the conflict is, I'm not sure whether there's a start or the end here. What was resolved? Somebody died, somebody didn't, but deaths mean little when there's no context to back them up. It's like when being asked to put together a jigsaw puzzle, you put together the four most central pieces and then throw out the other ones. It's great that there's four central pieces, but without the other ones we don't get the whole picture.

There really isn't very much else to review besides this kind of criticism. Is this really a part of a novel, or did you write it with the intention of it being a short story? If it's the former, then overall, it's pretty good. You balance descriptions and dialogue well, and I haven't seen that many mistakes. If it's the latter, then "What I saw there affected the rest of my life forever" just won't cut it for making us care about the main character's plight. Write more of this, write the beginning and the end, not just the middle, and you'll be golden.

Your demon,
cC