Her Eyes Of Gray

12 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6975
Reviews 125
Spoiler
This is a poem that I actually wrote for the NaPo Challenge, but I was hoping that I could get some suggestions on how to improve it. Thanks :)


Her sparkling eyes of blue,
Have dulled to a simple gray,
The life that once filled them,
Has now faded away.

The dark, heavy rain,
Has burnt out her flame,
And the leftover ashes,
Are all that remain.

Her emotions are now fried,
So, she adjusts them on her own,
Flipping on her smiles,
And tinkering with her tone.

Going through everyday motions,
With her body still intact,
Walking, eating, and breathing,
Looking normal, in fact.

But look into her eyes,
Past the shades of gray,
And nothing is what you’ll find,
Because that girl is far away.
Last edited by silentwords on Fri Aug 26, 2011 3:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1276
Reviews 378
This is very good!! Good descriptions and the emotion is very vivid. You did a good job with this and I can't wait to read more of your works. I really like the beginning and last part of this poem. May you improve and have many reviews!!! Good luck and keep up the good work!!! Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6975
Reviews 125
Thanks alot for the review! :)
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 58
You did really well on this poem. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes to point out. If there were - I didn't see them.
I'm following you . I hope to see more of your work soon!
90% of writing is re-writing!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6975
Reviews 125
Thanks alot for the review and follow! I'm following you now too (:
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 60
Hello there.
I love this poem. Really simple, and yet it just envelopes this emotion. I really love the way you are rhyming and the story behind it. there aren't any typos so unfortunately I don't have any things to correct, but if you ever want my help. I review around the clock. keep up the good world
xx Upile xx




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6975
Reviews 125
Thanks alot for the review! Okay, I'll let you know if I need any help. I can review your work as well if you'd like :)
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 374
Reviews 165
beautiful poem!! It's great!
I love the rhyme in it and I especially like this part:
Her sparkling eyes of blue,
Have dulled to a simple gray,
The life that once filled them,
Has now faded away.

I don't have any criticism really..
nice!!
"If they can't be with you at your worst, then they don't deserve to be with you at your best."
-Murtuza-

"Even though a ship won't sink at sea, it needs to be steered to get home."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1267
Reviews 11
Hey, I think that this was very good, sounds like somebody else I know
Spoiler
Me


It was an excelent piece and i would love to read more work like this. Do you have anymore I can read?

Keep writing-good luck

JJxVoodo
Maybe imperfection is the best thing, for without imperfection neither you nor I would be here today.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6975
Reviews 125
Thank you both! (:
And to JJxVoodo you can read my poem "My Own Worst Enemy" topic80127.html
It's not exactly the same, but if you are like me then you might be able to relate to this one as well.
Btw- glad to know I'm not the only one like this :P
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2281
Reviews 38
Hey there! First off I must say that this was a brilliant piece. There was raw emotion in it, the rhyming was beautiful and didn't sound forced. Plus the message is relatable and it is something that many people (including myself) can relate to. As the others said there aren't any errors grammar wise. The only thing that I could suggest is that you could play around with the rhythm. While I was reading some lines I felt like I was tripping over words. That's just a minor thing though. This is still beautifully written. I'm going to like this and follow you now because I can't wait to read more pieces by you. Great work!
-Hope
Books are the ultimate Dumpees: put them down and they'll wait for you forever; pay attention to them and they always love you back.
-John Green (An Abundance of Katherines)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6975
Reviews 125
Thanks alot! (I followed you too) (:
Okay, I will see if I could fix up the rythmn. What were some lines that you had trouble with? (This goes for anyone btw! )
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D



All we can do is our best, and hope that it was enough.
— CandyWizard