Sunday Evening

Spoiler

Revised in light of perido.

I.

Soft instants of color stoke the lady's form
while my eyes meander.

Feverish passers-by blend with pastel buildings;
no relief - flat.

White, chalky faces, like graffiti, plastered on morose brick walls,
slow-dance home for respite.

As the sun sets, the colors burn, and
crepitant embers escape the somber city.


II.

The mere evidence of her existence is a plastic inhalation;
pruned to just short of effortless.

Passive shadows robe her smoldering body:
skin folding tactfully, like origami.

She stares into the night -
cat eyes on live coal.


III.

The oily colors burn,
smear, and stain.

All that remains is shades of black, and
cat eyes on live coal.

I.

Soft instants of color stoke the lady
while my eyes meander.

I don't know if I'm exactly buying this. The imagery is a little vague, "soft instants of color stoke" creates a sensory vacuum for me, I'm trying to picture this but I'm not getting much. Sometimes its okay if I get something surreal but this just seems like nonsense.

Feverish passers-by blend with the buildings;
no relief - flat.

No probs here, I like this stanza better than the first. It just needs a stronger opening.

White, chalky faces, like graffiti on morose brick walls,
slow-dance home for respite.

I'm having trouble comparing white, chalky faces to graffiti. My suggestion is to take out the wodr morose and replace it with an adjective to modify graffiti. I donno what that would be exactly. But I think that would be better. Like the slow-dance thing though, that's nice.

As the sun sets, the colors burn, and crepitant,
somber embers escape the quieted city.

alright, but I think it would be stronger if you took out the word 'somber.' And instead of 'quieted' just use 'quiet.' The poem has already been pretty quiet, so as I reader I had to go back an look for noise so I could justify th city being 'quieted.' Those things aside, there are some nice sensory details here, dusky, smoky, and warm

II.

The mere evidence of her existence is a plastic inhalation;
pruned to just short of effortless.

plastic inhalation, that's really good. That's the strongest sensory detail in this poem so far. I didn't like the second line though, I guess I didn't get it.

Absent light robes her smoldering body,
folded like flesh origami.

'absent light.' To me says 'no light.' So for me, the first line contradicted itself imagery-wise. Also the line 'folded like flesh origami' bugged me. I like it but it doesn't really seem to fit in this poem.

She fixes her stare toward me -
cat eyes on live coal.

this would be stronger if it read:

she stares toward me -
cat eyes in live coal.

also, i just wanted to test the 'in.' Not sure if I like it better its up to you.


III.

The colors continue to burn,
smear, and stain until

Take out 'continue.' Just say the colors burn, smear, and stain. It's more effective and immediate. Also take out the 'until' and put it on the next stanza. That's my suggestion

All that remains is shades of black, and
cat eyes on live coal.

I see what you did here, but that last line is only effective once. Find somewhere else to end, something else's eyes on something else hot and glowy. "squid eyes on a breaking fuse" "a hen's eyes in hot lava." I don't know. There are a lot of possibilities.

condensation will be one of your most powerful tools while revising, there are a lot of unnecessary words, sentence structures that are complex but don't need to be. Pick strong verbs and limit adjective use. Also remember to read. and i hope i helped.

best,

Hi! I loved this very much. I'm into modern poetry, and I love the quirkinessof your piece. It was original and very cool. I love dthe descriptions you used and your wording enticed me in a...meh...how can I describe it...erotic kind of way? Anyways, a clear *like* from me! Thanks
~ amelia

Nice poem! I love your voice. It was simple and quite to the point. I also love your poetic diction it made the imagery quite powerful and distinct. Just one flaw I found : crepitant embers escape the somber city. The word somber is meant to be sombre. Apart from that it was good and simple. Simplicity is the way to go!

Thanks for the generous reviews! I did want to address this though:

Temi wrote:: crepitant embers escape the somber city. The word somber is meant to be sombre.

I believe that's the British variation, and I did not intend on using it.

Hi there inkwell. Lavvi in to review this for you.

So, you're imagery is exceptional. I felt like I was really there, where ever this was. I could almost smell it, your pictures were painted so brilliantly. It was gorgeous.

The only thing:

"stoke" to "stroke" in the first line.

Yours,
Lavvi

Hello ink!
This piece looks really good, and as someone mentioned earlier, I love modern poetry and loved the nonconformity and relaxation of this piece. Good work, keep it up!

Great poem! your poem looks very creative formatted by roman numerals.. what made wanna do it this way?

@ Lavi: I intended to use the word "stoke" unless you're making merely a suggestion in which case I won't be changing it. (Thank you though!) :p

Thank you pen and kitty. I did the numerals to break up the poem because to me the poem lacked a standard format and required a way to break off certain subsections and trains of thought in a way the led up to the ending.

Hello there,

I personally found the layout of this really confusing and even the poem itself wasn't written properly although I did find the imagery very plausible. Really though this wasn't the most incredible thing I have ever read. I also didn't find the plot particularly enchanting but the roman numerals were a great touch, really creative and inventive. Overall I think this has a lot of potential and a lot of things that are really good already (for instance the language is very good.) Keep writing.

From CuteJackRussell