Burning Candle and the Moon *edited*

So here's a pretty much on-the-spot poem. I was with some family, driving, home and I was promptly inspired by a smell of burning candles and the full moon, which was very pretty. I don't usually write poetry, though.

___

Standing lonesome, silent, on the dusty windowsill,
In tarnished silver, brilliant and white,
There is a candle...and wick faintly glowing.
The warm flame limns frosted panes...
Outside, feathered with shining snowflakes,
Cobblestoned streets, touched by the moonlight.
Look to a starry, scintillating sky,
And there floats my colossal white ship, the moon.
Large and full, cunning and strange,
It sheds light, now, on the melting candle...
And a breeze picks up, rattling houses and doors,
Blowing out the little warmth the candle had to offer, and then comes...
Night


The original:

Spoiler

Standing lonely, silent, on the dusty windowsill
In tarnished silver, brilliant and white
There is a candle...and wick faintly glowing
The warm flame limns frosted panes
Outside, feathered with shining snowflakes
Cobblestoned streets touched by the moonlight
Look to a starry navy sky, twinkling forever
And like a giant pitted diamond floats the moon
Large and full, strange and cunning
It sheds light, now, on the melting candle
And a breeze picks up, rattling houses and doors
Blowing out the little warmth the candle had to offer
Night

Neat. Grammar and such first:

Standing lonely, silent, on the dusty windowsill
In tarnished silver, brilliant and white
There is a candle... and wick faintly glowing
The warm flame lines frosted panes
Outside, feathered with shining snowflakes
Cobble-stoned streets touched by the moonlight
Look to a starry navy sky, twinkling forever
And Like a giant pitted diamond (floats the moon)
Large and full, mysterious and sly
It sheds light, now, on the melting candle
And a breeze picks up, rattling houses and doors
Blowing out the little warmth the candle had to offer
Night

The imagery is great, the lines blend well. The end is sudden, and I liked that here -- it doesn't bother with being cute or nice, it just does what it must. Wonderful writing; I find that the spontaneous stuff is usually the best. Keep writing!

Hey there Lav!

So, I thought this was quite nice. You have a nice command of imagery and you developed a really strong tone. However, I do think that there were a couple of things that you could work on.

1. Punctuation

Now, I know that you prefaced the poem saying that the lack of punctuation was intentional, but I have to wonder why. Punctuation allows the reader to pick up the rhythm in your words and follow along with your ideas without any trouble. To be perfectly honest, I got lost a couple of times because your words seemed oddly structured without it. Line breaks carry a much stronger sense of finality for a concept than when you don't use punctuation. So, I kept finishing a line thinking it was going to be a new idea, only to have it continued. This means that the reader ends up going back up a lot, and the fluidity of your poem is destroyed. Simply said, I'd suggest punctuating poetry as you would a sentence. It is a matter of preference, but it also generally helps the reader out and make your words nice and smooth.

Also, it you want to continue writing poetry without any punctuation, then I would suggest using stanza breaks for new ideas; having the inconsistency of sometimes breaking off into a new idea and sometimes continuing it is really confusing for the reader.


2. Vocabulary

I think that if you were to spread out your vocabulary in this piece a bit, it would really help. Try to stray away from ideas such as "twinkling" and "diamond" when describing things in the night because well, they're used quite a bit. Delve into new ideas, throw some original figurative language in there, and I think that it would make this piece a lot stronger. Right now your descriptions are quite simplistic.
Having said that, don't force huge words or anything. Don't go look up words in a thesaurus for the sole purpose of using them in this poem. When people do that, it simply sounds unnatural. But, look harder at this concept and think of ways that you could describe the moon. Without falling into cliches clauses, look at a candle, look at the moon, look at light and think to yourself on how you could describe it in the most base of ways. What words pop up into your head to describe the emotions they give you? What memories? What do you connect with it?
That kind of thing.

3.
I like the abruptness of the ending. Good job. c:

Overall, nice piece. I'd say that the word choice and punctuation were my main two problems. Really nice piece, Lav, especially if you don't write poetry much. Lemme know if you have any questions or anything, and I'd be glad to answer them! c:

-Persy

Thanks, both of you.

Perse-- I took into consideration what you said and so I have promptly edited it.

Lavs

I like this. You use a lot of imagery and it paints a pretty picture. Quite nice.

LavenderBlue wrote:Standing lonesome, silent, on the dusty windowsill,
In tarnished silver, brilliant and white,
There is a candle...and wick faintly glowing.
The warm flame limns frosted panes... What are 'limns'? Was it supposed to be 'lines'? Totally confused.
Outside, feathered with shining snowflakes,
Cobblestoned streets, touched by the moonlight.
Look to a starry, scintillating sky, I have no idea what that huge scary word means! 'Scintillating' I don't even know how to pronounce it!
And there floats my colossal white ship, the moon. What does colossal mean?
Large and full, cunning and strange,
It sheds light, now, on the melting candle...
And a breeze picks up, rattling houses and doors,
Blowing out the little warmth the candle had to offer, and then comes... I love the ending!
Night

K, so maybe I'm dumb, but I didn't know what a few of those words meant. Which kind of annoyed me. Maybe use an interesting word beside 'twinkling' or 'diamond' without going THAT far? Dunno. Anyway, gorgeous piece! I love it, it's totally my kind of poetry...*sigh of contentment*

hey!
I loved your poem. It's beautifully descriptive. I could imagine the scene you described in the poem, I could actually picture it.
The piece is really fabulous. Great work with the abrupt ending. It's very interesting and fun.
keep writing. Can't wait to read more of your works....

-Ruhi...
xoxoxo

Hey!
You've got a nice poem! I love the voice and the imagery. It's keeps the reader stuck to the words wondering how it's going to end. It's not hard for the reader to see that you're not used to writing poems. Maybe cause of the layout. Then, again it's my opinion. Anyways I love the poem and you should definitely keep up the style!

Hitting like button!

Lovely poem!
~FW~