I Never Thought Who CH 1

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Cold air rushed in the door as I opened it.

"Buuuurrrr." I shivered. The car keyes jingled from my wrist as I ran to the crappy red malibu. I got into the car. Ug, I hate school. Practically everyone at school hated my soul and made fun of my every action. The car shook to life and I pulled out of the driveway. I was on my way into town when I saw the huge traffic jam. This ment I was going to be late to school again!

I sat in the car and listened to "Speak Now" By Taylor Swift. After one and a half time of playing the whole CD. Cars around me started to move. There was enough room around me that I could pull into the other lane and zoom of to school.

It took me about ten minutes, but eventually I was looking at the big brick building called school. I jumped out of the car and locked the doors as I raced inside the building.

"Hey Miranda." Diane, the office lady said, pushing the clip board at me. I signed my name and reason for being late on the paper. She looked at the clip board and filled out a tardy slip and pushed it at me. That was my signal to 'get to class.' I raced down the hall with my heavy back pack slung over one shoulder.

"Miranda, happy you've joined us! Take a seat." Mr.Girth said as I showed him the tardy slip.

"Hey look girls, It's Miranda. Late again." I took a seat in front of Carly and her gang of four girls. They were concidered popular and they were mighty mean.

"Girls," Mr.Girth said warningly. They were quiet the rest of the class as Mr.Girth talked about the history of Ohio.

When the bell wrang, everyone shot out of the class room. I quickly gathered my books and left. I was going home. I wasn't going to stay the rest of the day. I walked out of the building to my car and threw my bag in my car. I twisted the key and drove away.

I was on the freeway just as I heard a car horn. My head spun around. A truck spun around coming straight towards my car. "AHH!" I screamed as the blue ford smashed into the right side of my car. The windshield broke as the car in front of me was forced backwards. Glass flew at me and suddenly blood started flowing into my eyes.

"Are you allright?" A man opened my car door, a cell phone in hand. His head and neck were dabbed with blood. I turned my head to look at him and a sharp pain appeared in my neck. I put my hand up to touch it and pulled back at the warmness of my blood. He put the phone back up to his ear and started discribing my condition. "I'll stay here with you." He said fliping the phone back and sticking it into his pocket.

Sirins wailed in the distance. An ambulance fought it's way through the jumble of cars. People blared their horns, trying to get out of the way from the oncoming ambulance. I looked into the man's eyes, I was scared.

A paramedic climed out of the ambulance holding one end of the gurney. The man moved out of the way so she could get to me. "Your OK." she looked at me with sympathy. They loaded me and a young man I knew from my math class into the back of the ambulance. He lay on the gurney complaining that the neck brace was unnesseasary as his only injury was the cut on his wrist. He had been in the car in front of me. The cause of the glass in my flesh.

Suddenly I noticed the heavyness of each breath. They came shallow as if I couldn't get enough air to fill my lungs. "Shhh." a man about the age of 30 calmed me. "We need to put in a breathing tube. Can you open your mouth?" He asked gently. I opened my mouth and he pushed the tube down my mouth. I gaged and he shushed me again. In that second breathing became easier because the man was pushing on an air bag for me.

The door jerked open as we stoped at the hospital entrance. People were shouting around us and started pulling us away from the ambulance into the ER. "Miranda," A doctor rubbed me, "Is this your phone, we found it in your car." He held up my iPhone. I nodded the best I could. A nurse took the phone and started poking at a few things until she was satisfied and left the room.

Hey there! It's review time!

REALITY:

This is interesting but doesn't hold tight to reality. Easy for that to happen though, not all of us have gotten into a major car crash like this. Have you? Car crashes can be seriously traumatic moments. I've been in one, not nearly this bad, and it was terrifying. Perhaps you should do research into how people feel during and after car crashes. Your narrator seems way too calm. Also, if her injuries are so sever that she needs a breathing tube, she's probably passed out. No one would ask her who to call, they'll most likely call whomever is listed as her emergency contact, which they'll get from her primary care physician. A lot of people these days will put ICE numbers in their phones, "In Case of Emergency". I'm not sure how commonly that's used, but it's a neat little thing to know. Oh, and if she has a breathing tube in, she wouldn't be able to talk to them.

PACING:

This is a BIG scene! Seriously, think about how much is honestly happening here. It's not just "oh I'm driving to school" It's "I'm driving to school AND I JUST RAN MY CAR INTO A TRUCK!" This could be pages and pages of a scene, not just a few paragraphs. I'm not saying it should be pages and pages, but do keep pacing in mind. Everything whizzes by so quickly that it's hard to get a grasp on what's actually going on.

MAIN CHARACTER:

You should probably take some more time developing your main character, especially since this is in first person. If it's still up, and I assume it is, you should look at Snoink's Character Development Usergroup. It's super helpful. Developing your character and strengthening her voice will help fill out the rushed feeling I talked about with pacing.

And of course, the best advice I can possibly give is to keep writing and keep reading. Reading is one of the best ways to learn how to write because you get to see it in action. Try to find a good romance story written in the first person to figure out what you should, or shouldn't, do. Don't just steal the person's story, voice, or techniques. Try to make your own. But it's always helped me to see how other people do it, and learn from there. Best of luck!

I read it. For only thirteen years old, this is pretty good! When I was thirteen, I stunk at writing- at fifteen I'm not even that great. But I see you have imagination (which helps).

Can I suggest something to make this even better, MandaPanda? What if you made her go to school and spend her whole day there before crashing. If you did that, then you could show the reader what she's like! Maybe this girl could talk to some friends around the lunch-table or meet a guy in the halls (whatever girls do), so the reader can understand her better.

Then, when this is done, you describe her drive on the way home. She could talk about her memories in driver's ed. She could mention her interest in you-name-it.

Then- OHNO!- she crashes. Adrenaline courses through her veins, her vision blurs, the radio crackles and dies out, a strange figure rushes to her car door and yanks it open. "Are you OK?" He yells, "I'm so, so sorry!" The strange figure dials quickly on a cell phone. Her consciousness ceases.

Your a great writer, so don't be afraid to make this chapter longer.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Words will fail you."

Hey! Okay, so I review using the six traits writing system, meaning I'll list the six traits, what I thought about your story for each of them, and then I'll give you a rating for each trait, 1-6, 6 being highest, 1 being lowest. Let's get started!

Ideas: Clear and focused main idea, though I am not exactly sure where this is going. It kept me reading until the end, however, it wasn't the most compelling piece I've read, and I'll tell you why. We don't even know Miranda yet. We don't know what she's like, who she is. How can we empathize with what she's going through when we don't know her? My advice: introduce her first. Let her spend some time at school, around her family, with friends if she has some. Let your readers have some insight into her character, so that we really care about her when she gets hurt. 5

Organization: Pretty good lead in and ending, but remember: show, not tell. That was the biggest thing here. If you give more details instead of just telling us things, this will be amazing! For example: don't say Carly and her group are popular, show us why they are, and why they are cruel. This will also give us insight into Miranda, and why she has such a hard time at school. Excellent structure. Easy to follow, good spacing, but not too much. 4

Voice: If you remember to show, not tell, it will really add to the way your voice sounds. As it is your voice really draws a reader in, but if you add this, it will be amazing!!!5

Word Choice: Very clear and concise, natural language used well, pretty engaging. Good verbs most times, and words that appeal to the senses. 5

Sentence Fluency: Very good. A lot of variety in style and length, easy to read, good rhythm and flow. 5.5

Conventions: Several spelling mistakes, and a few punctuational errors. Could use a run through or two to edit these out, but definitely not unreadable. 4

Overall it was great! Show not tell, fix those conventions, and this will be AMAZING! I mean it; this will be one of my favs on YWS. Keep writing!