Young Writers Society

deleted

Hi again lele

Nitpicks:

Dear, Peer Pressure Put the comma after pressure. In a letter, it always goes Dear *name*, and so on.

You've come to know me as the number on cause of death I'm guessing you meant 'one'.

The ones that dies with no explanation Change 'dies' to die.

And I don't want to be blamed, anymore Take the comma out of here. Add a period on the end of anymore to make it sound more conclusive.

Peer pressure Put a comma after this

From, Suicide Move Suicide to underneath From

I've read quite a few of your works now, lele, and I decided that I really like your style! This poem is really intricate and interesting. You start out with confusion and you make very good points, and then I was blown away by the sender of the letter.

Keep writing

~BTM

Hi lele! First, I really love this poem. I love the message it sends and the way you choose to portray it. It is moving and strong, but not violent (in the ways generally associated with suicide/peer presure).I love how you talk about a sensetive topic without anger or hate, but with a deep understanding of what is causing the problem. I like your style too; you keep your lines equal and they match well with each other.

You wrote

You kill them with your cruelty

and a few lines later

You beat them with your cruelty

you should change one of these to a word other than cruelty. Maybe 'Heartlessness' or 'Brutality'.

Also you may want to change the ending

From, Suicide

to something else. It doesn't seem to fit with the feel of the rest of the poem. Maybe 'Signed, Suicide' or simply 'Suicide'. It's totally up to you, that's just my opinion.

Great poem!

Sage

Dear Peer Pressure,
You've come to know me as the number one cause of death (Maybe you should have a period?)/color]
You blame me for every dead body that the world finds [color=#0000BF](Period?)
The ones that die with no explanation (Comma?)
But, I've come to complain about that
I am tired of being blamed, and frowned upon
With the amounts of stress you let consume this world
You cause their reaction
The mind eating feelings that tear away at them
Not with sticks and stones, but with words
Those words are far fouler than the bodies that rot
The bodies that have your fingerprints on them
You kill them with your cruelty
The way you make their bodies react
You shove lies into their hearts
Hoping the lies would consume their whole soul
You beat them with your cruelty
Until they become bottled inside
They shudder in themselves at your coldness
Until they want to break free
And let their true selves show
And I know what they think
That maybe your words couldn't reach them up there
In the golden streets of heaven
And I have come to stand against that
You take them out of this world before it is time
Its about time the world knows
Peer pressure,
I'm not possessing the minds of the younger generation
You are and your cruel army of the dark sides of children
And I don't want to be blamed anymore
I will no longer be your employee
I will no longer follow your shadowed footsteps

From,
Suicide

I really like this. You need periods and commas (I think? I suck a poems) but besides that it's great! (and sad )