The One I love the Most

Your fingers trace the scar
The secret I held buried deep
The memories of a time
When my life was nothing
All held in darkness
Drowning deep in the sorrow

Your lips press against mine
You whisper the words
That I treasure;
The ones I hold
Above all others.

When? I wonder
Did you become
The one I love the most
Where did the line
Begin to blur?
How did you
Someone so joyful
Fall for someone
Such as me
Whose drowning
In their own mistake?

But as your hands
Intertwine with my own
All I can say
Is this line
The line I saved
For you; and only you
I love you
Your light gave me hope
Your desire lit my soul
Illuminating me, brightly
In my darkest hours

With you here
I shall never fall
I shall live on
I shall breathe
I shall become free

With you gone
I shall break
I shall shatter
And become nothing once more

Please, my love
my whole heart
Do not leave
Do not push away
I love you
Can't you see it?
Can't you feel it,
When I hold you?
Can you taste my tears
As I open the scar
With a blade of steel
The ruby red flows
Like a crimson river

You the one I loved the most
Will you hate me?
For giving up?
Because you have passed on?
Hold me tight
And speak the words
I will follow you
All the way into Heaven
Or Hell
To have only you
In my arms and heart.

Hi
A title could be" the one i love the most".
I like this poem its deep, dramatic, metaphoric but also a bit cliche. As much as i liked the structure of those lines about" you gave me light" etc i've heard it all before. Try and think of what your experiences mean without falling back on formulaic cliches this will make your writing unique and special! Don't just refer to something like light loosely and you will improve. I did like this poem though so keep up the good work and keep writing to improve

This is just a poem I thought of I posted it after I written it down; I will work on editing that part...I am tired so I was trying to get it down before I forgot it. Thanks for the suggestion, I will think on that. I shall work to improve this once I feel better. Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3

I love this sis. There's nothing about this I would change. And I know for a fact "the one you love the most" would love this too. Keep up the good job. Keep writing!!

I feel like this poem is broken up by lines too much. I'm not a fan of the format but the poem has greatness behind it. Keep up the good work!

I love this.
I particularly love the third stanza. I'm not a fan of poems, but this is one I will remember. Great work!

my impression:

Long and rambly. Cliche and over sentimental. It's almost completely devoid of sensory detail, this poem is emotion in a vacuum.

Here's the thing. Emotion cannot exist in a vacuum. It doesn't. I want you to try again. Same emotional core, but hide it behind THINGS, details, address the reader, talk ABOUT this person, what do they do, what do they say? How did they leave? This poem takes itself too seriously and needs a reality check.

hope this helps

best,

Hello there! I wanna start by saying that I really loved this. My comments and suggestions are as follows.

Your fingers trace the scar;
the secret I held buried deep.
The memories of a time
when my life was nothing.
All held in darkness.
Drowning deep in the sorrow.

I have nothing negative to say about this stanza except for the grammatical fixes. I just think they'll make it flow better. I loved it.

Your lips press against mine.I love the imagery, but it's kind of a cliche. We hear it a lot. Given everything else you've written, I know for a fact that you could play with this and make it a billion times better.
You whisper the words
that I treasure;Semicolon not needed. Make it a period. For gammitcal purposes.
The ones I hold,
above all others.

Quite a good stanza. Just a few suggestions. It's kind of dragging on. Try to add something that speeds it up a bit.

When?, I wonder,
did you become
the one I love the most?
Where did the line
begin to blur?
How did you,
someone so joyful(add a comma) How about a word other than joyful? Maybe...paradisical?
fall for someone
Such aslike me
Whose drowningwhy not try a more expressive word here? Maybe like, asphyxiating?
in their own mistake?

I've made my corrections for this. I did feel the emotion behind it. The passion. My tips are just to help it move a along better.

But as your hands
intertwine with my own(add a period) the imagery was amazing.
All I can say
is that this line--
the line I saved
for you; and only you:
"I love you".
Your light gave me hope.
Your desire lit my soul.
Illuminating me, brightly I don't think that "brightly" is nessecary. If the light is illuminating you...it's going to be breight either way.
in my darkest hours It sounds better without the "s".

This showed your love. It was...simple. Nevertheless, amazing.

With you here
I shall never fall
I shall live on
I shall breathe
I shall become free

With you gone
I shall break
I shall shatter
And become nothing once more

I overall feel that this stanza should be ommited. It's unnessescery to the poem. It doesn't add anything. It's just words. You're using up your precious opportunity to reach your audience. People will only give you a certain amount of time when they read your work. If you fill your space will needless lines, they'll give up on reading it and move on. Take that into consideration.

Please,
my love,I think this will help the flow of the poem.
my whole heart,
Do not leave.
Do not push away.
I love you.
Can't you see it?
Can't you feel it? I think you should pick one of these to keep and one to get rid of. Refer back to my pervious statement about keeping your reader..well...reading.
When I hold you?
Can you taste my tears--
As I open the scar
With a blade of steelI think you should try something more creative. For instance, "With the blade of your love"...not that exactly but see what I mean?
The ruby red flows,
like a crimson river.

This was good too. You're really good with the imagery. Keep it up. Just change your wording up a little bit to entice the reader.

YouI think you should simply end the line here with a period and move on.
The one I loved the most
Will you hate me,
for giving up?
BecauseWhen you have passed on?
Hold me tight
And speak the words I didn't understand these point in these lines. It flows better without them.
I will follow you.
All the wayInto Heaven
or into Hell
To have only you,
In my arms. and heart.

Hope the critique helps. Please feel free to comment back with any questions or comments.

Happy Writing!(:

-Lexi