Fully Alive

My name is Chiara Sage Elixir. I have just turned sixteen. I am not human, not anymore, and I'm being hunted by society. I can't hide forever, so I'm telling you this story now. I can't promise you my story will end well, so read at your own risk.
-Chiara


Chapter 1


"Let me out, dammit!" i screamed, kicking the wall hard enough to hurt myself. I had been running from Dr. Shay and her goons since I was fourteen, and now, only days after i turned sixteen, she finally manged to get me. "Cara! stop! This isn't helping." Devany scolded me. She was a year younger then me, but had always been the more calm rational-thinker, where I just went on instinct and went on wild rampages with no real plan. Devany and I aren't human, not after Dr. Shay started experimenting on us, and now we have 'gifts'. I can create protective shields, energy blasts, and move things with a flick of my wrist, Devany can astral project, mind read, and elemental manipulation. We are both telepathics (in other word we can communicate through our minds) and have heightened senses.
"Cara! For goodness-sake, i know you can hear me! if you don't- know what, that's it." She hurtled a plastic bouncy-ball at me. i closed my eyes, held up my hand, and imagined the ball flying back at her. I opened my eyes in time to see Devany duck and the bouncy-ball hit the opposite wall. "Hilarious," She grumbled, turning her back to me. "I thought it was. Hey, Devie, don't be like that." I said, but my best friend continued to give me the cold shoulder.
This was pretty routine for us. I piss her off, she throws something, i deflect it, i make a snide comment, she ignores me for an hour (or until she can no longer take the silence). The normalcy of our quarry almost made me forget we where locked in this horrid place. Almost. Sighing I sat on the bed next to my friend and put my arms around her. "I'm sorry Devany." I apologized, a rare thing for me. "I'm just annoyed that we are stuck in this place, again. And the fact that i have to add a 'again' to the end of that sentence just makes it all the more irritating." i confessed.
Devany sighed and pulled away from me.
"i know, Cara. I'm just as ticked about this as you are, but we aren't fighting each other. not supposed to anyways. We're fighting Dr. Shay. don't forget that. Now take a cool-down, and get some rest. I'll wake you if anything major happens, though i doubt it will."
I slumped across the little and curled up on my bed. despite all my nerves and anxiety, i feel asleep quickly, drifting off into a world of dreams.

"Let me out, dammit!" i I screamed, kicking the wall hard enough to hurt myself. I had been running from Dr. Shay and her goons since I was fourteen, and now, only days after i turned sixteen, she finally manged to get me.

"Cara! stop! This isn't helping." Devany scolded me. She was a year younger then me, but had always been the more calm rational-thinker, where I just went on instinct and went on wild rampages with no real plan. Devany and I aren't human, not after Dr. Shay started experimenting on us, and now we have 'gifts'. I can create protective shields, energy blasts, and move things with a flick of my wrist, Devany can astral project, mind read, and elemental manipulation. We are both telepathics (in other word we can communicate through our minds) and have heightened senses.

"Cara! For goodness-sake, i I know you can hear me! i If you don't- know what, that's it."I am confused by what she means by this sentence

She hurtled a plastic bouncy-ball at me. i I closed my eyes, held up my hand, and imagined the ball flying back at her. I opened my eyes in time to see Devany duck and the bouncy-ball hit the opposite wall.

"Hilarious," She grumbled, turning her back to me.

"I thought it was. Hey, Devie, don't be like that." I said, but my best friend continued to give me the cold shoulder.

This was pretty routine for us. I piss her off, she throws something, i I deflect it, i I make a snide comment, she ignores me for an hour (or until she can no longer take the silence). The normalcy of our quarry almost made me forget we where were locked in this horrid place. Almost. Sighing, I sat on the bed next to my friend and put my arms around her.

"I'm sorry Devany." I apologized, a rare thing for me. "I'm just annoyed that we are stuck in this place, again. And Also the fact that i I have to add a an 'again' to the end of that sentence just makes it all the more irritating." i I confessed.

Devany sighed and pulled away from me.

"i know, Cara. I'm just as ticked about this as you are, but we aren't fighting each other. not supposed to anyways. We're fighting Dr. Shay. d Don't forget that. Now take a cool-down, and get some rest. I'll wake you if anything major happens, though i I doubt it will."

I slumped across the little and curled up on my bed. despite all my nerves and anxiety, i I feel asleep quickly, drifting off into a world of dreams.

You need to work on capitalizing your I's and your beginning of sentences. I would also say to make it slightly long and give a bit more detail. Besides that, I congratulate you on this wonderful story and will be waiting for more ^^ Good luck and Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3

Hi, Dare2Bme, I'm new here as well. I'm gonna do a quick review on your story.

The first thing that I noticed was your format. It would be much easier to read if you would hit the enter key after you finish a paragraph.

A lot of your wording made the piece feel kind of weird and hard to read.

"Let me out, dammit!" i screamed, kicking the wall hard enough to hurt myself. I had been running from Dr. Shay and her goons since I was fourteen, and now, only days after i turned sixteen, she finally manged to get me.

This makes it seem like she was just taken, but the ending reads like this had been a recurring event. I think you need to slow down a bit, and really delve into the characters. You're jumping around too much throughout this piece. Let the readers get to know Cara by her actions.

"Cara! For goodness-sake, i know you can hear me! if you don't- know what, that's it."

Sentences like that make the reader go back and think about what they're reading. As a writer you are supposed to be manipulating our emotion. A strange sentence that takes the reader out of the story and turns on our little editors will take away from what you are really trying to portray.

Overall, the plot isn't really my cup of tea, but there is something there. I think if you expound on the ideas you already have you could make a great story.