Teddy Bear and His Used Heart

Teddy Bear and His Used Heart

… Imprisoned in a room filled with monsters,
Teddy Bear stares at the white-washed walls.
They hold the answer to a question-
Ever since he got there.

Teddy Bear stares at the walls,
Fire burns in the forest that colors his eyes.

From the ceiling,
Rain falls on his snow-colored-
And darkness-speckled fur.

Each drop plops on the bump-
Which forms Teddy Bear’s stomach.

Plop. Plop. Plop.

All he hears is buzzing from the silence-
And the rain plopping on his stomach.

Buzzz. Buzzz. Buzzz. Plop. Plop. Plop.

Monsters are getting into Teddy Bear’s head-
And heart and eating him from the inside.

However,
The monsters avoid his heart,
Since there is nothing left of it.

It twisted and crumpled from use,
Was burnt to ashes from a fire still raging in him.
It still burns and crackles.

Crick. Crack. Crick. Crack.

The sounds now squeeze his brain.

Squish. Squish. Squish…


Until nothing is left of his brain.

Now, Teddy Bear must go…
He mustn’t stay there.
He cannot wait for it any longer.
It will never bring back what was destroyed…

… Teddy Bear must go forward to save what’s left of him…
Or else he will disappear…

Hello! This is my second poem. My inspirations for this poem is the same as the first (The Doll is Waiting). I hope you like it!

Hello! This poem is lovely! Very simplistic and beautiful! I love the whole innocence of the piece. I really connected with the poem.
There was few gramatical mistakes. Here's a nitpick

Fran94 wrote: From the ceiling,
Rain falls on his snow-colored-
And darkness ( I wouldn't use the word 'darkness' - please replace it with another adjective) speckled fur.
.....
It's twisted and crumpled from use,
Was burnt to ashes from a fire still raging in him.
It still burns and crackles.

…

Keep writing,
~ Amelia

Love the title, just sayin.

… Imprisoned in a room filled with monsters,
Teddy Bear stares at the white-washed walls.
They hold the answer to a question-
Ever since he got there.

do not start on an ellipses. It really steals the strength from the opening line. It seems to imply that there's something before it that is missing, i don't know. Anyway, the first two lines were good, I like monsters, I like white-washed walls, but I didn't like the last two. I wanted more sensory detail, I don't care about the question or the answer or whatever and... it turns out from reading the rest of the poem that you never mention this question thing again. So, cut it.

Teddy Bear stares at the walls,
Fire burns in the forest that colors his eyes.

You already said he's staring at the walls. I don't need to hear it again, I got it. The second line is just... cool. It's sort of mysterious and surreal and I like it. I want more of that.

From the ceiling,
Rain falls on his snow-colored-
And darkness-speckled fur.

Good sensory details. I'm not sure why it's raining indoors but I think you get away with it. Darkness speckled fur. Are you saying that the teddy bear is dirty or something? If so, then I'd change it.

Each drop plops on the bump-
Which forms Teddy Bear’s stomach.

didn't like this. either cut it or change it so it's a little more clear.

Plop. Plop. Plop.

cut this.

All he hears is buzzing from the silence-
And the rain plopping on his stomach.

I don't know this is getting weird. I think you took this poem in the wrong direction, I want more of that burning forest stuff.

Buzzz. Buzzz. Buzzz. Plop. Plop. Plop.

you don't need this either.

Monsters are getting into Teddy Bear’s head-
And heart and eating him from the inside.

whoa. I don't know I don't like this. It's too easy / obvious. Besides in the next stanza you say they are avoiding his heart. So cut this.

However,
The monsters avoid his heart,
Since there is nothing left of it.

still not working. This stanza is just awkward and unwieldy. Any momentum you had is gone now, this second part of the poem really needs work.

It twisted and crumpled from use,
Was burnt to ashes from a fire still raging in him.
It still burns and crackles.

I don't know, maybe it's just getting too dramatic? A fire inside is sort of cliche, don't you think? I like the idea of a 'used heart.' But what you're describing here is a destroyed heart.

Crick. Crack. Crick. Crack.

The sounds now squeeze his brain.

Squish. Squish. Squish…

no, none of that.

Until nothing is left of his brain.

Now, Teddy Bear must go…
He mustn’t stay there.
He cannot wait for it any longer.
It will never bring back what was destroyed…

… Teddy Bear must go forward to save what’s left of him…
Or else he will disappear…


too many ellipses. They really break up any potential strength the poem might have. The ending is weak as it is. There's some really good stuff going on in the first part, so I know you are capable, the poem just sort of fell apart in the middle, lost its cohesion, its unity. Maybe there are too many metaphors, the used heart, the fire burning inside, the monsters devouring him, etc. Find one that you want to pursue and push it as far as it will go. Use specific, sensory detail. One problem I had was I didn't feel sorry for the bear at all, I think the poem would be much stronger if you could generate some sort of pathos for the bear. He must have belonged to somebody? Was he damaged? Lost? Abandoned? Any of these things could help, I think. I know you're a beginner, so this piece of advice is absolutely essential and MUSTN'T be ignored: READ. Pick up an anthology of contemporary poetry, and read it front to back. If there's someone in there you like then go buy their book and read that. The problem with poetry these days is that people don't read it anymore, they just write it. You cannot improve as a poet in a vacuum. Reading is the key to improving. I hope I helped.

Best,

HEY!!!! I finally found some time!

Hmm what can I say? I liked the idea of the poem, it was much like the first one, though this was did not flow as well, and your ideas weren't given across to your reader. This is mainly because of the inconsistent flow of the poem. I must also point out that compared with the first poem, you went all out here. You delved much deeper into the teddy's emotions, but by doin that you lost your consistency and thus lost your reader. You also begin describing something, but before you can fully draw the reader into it, you change the subject, like when you speak of his eyes, then quickly change to his dirty fur. This can be kinda irritating to a reader. I loved the descriptions in the poem,even though at time they were disjointed and did not flow. I feel that when you describe the sound, and then bringing it alive with stuff like, "plop,plop,plop." was good, but i feel you used it too often, and it resulted in me not enjoying it as much, sometimes these writing types are meant to be used just once or twice to intrigue the reader, rather than all the time, creating a monotonous poem.
Thats the advice I can give, I don't want to show you exactly where to change it, because I know you more than capable to do that on your own.
Tolz Tolz

What an adorable poem about a teddy bear. its the best poem to read to young kids dont you think?

Well I absolutely hate it when someone TELLS you to cut something out so I won't do that. Especially because I don't want you to cut anything out or tell you to do anything different. Long way to get to a point, huh?

You have a very interesting idea here. I love the way you make inanimate objects come to life. Whenever I try that, I fail. But your words just seem so real and I actually feel for this teddy bear. I love poems with that nonchalant feel. When I read this, I really felt like I knew what he was going through. Kind of weird because he's only a teddy bear but your words explain his situation so well.

And I absolutely adorable the last stanza.

Keep writing!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY! : )

It was sad. I like that its simple. Poor Teddy Bear. I thought it had good flow. I think you should make the title shorter, maybe just call it Teddy Bear, or Used or something.

Wow this is awesome! I saw the title "Teddy Brear and His Used Heart" and thought, "what?", but it turned out to be really good! I can't beleive the style you used... it was very different from anything I've ever read, and I really liked it! You should enter my contest WHAT?! Poetry and you might have a pretty good chance with this! So, anyway I thought it was well thought out. It didn't really flow or anything but I liked that and I think it worked way better with the style. It was long but good length for the topic. Although I loved it, I couldn't quitef igure out what it was about. A teddy bear, I know, and his heart, but what else? What is happening to it's heart? So, great job here! I loved it. Keep writing and I couldn't really figure out anything wrong about it. Bye!
-Cammie

Imprisoned in a room filled with monsters,Teddy Bear stares at the white-washed walls.They hold the answer to a question-Ever since he got there.Teddy Bear stares at the walls,Fire burns in the forest that colors his eyes.From the ceiling,Rain falls on his snow-colored-And darkness-speckled fur.Each drop plops on the bump-Which forms Teddy Bear’s stomach.Plop. Plop. Plop.All he hears is buzzing from the silence-And the rain plopping on his stomach.Buzzz. Buzzz. Buzzz. Plop. Plop. Plop.Monsters are getting into Teddy Bear’s head-And heart and eating him from the inside.However,The monsters avoid his heart,Since there is nothing left of it.It twisted and crumpled from use,Was burnt to ashes from a fire still raging in him.It still burns and crackles.Crick. Crack. Crick. Crack.The sounds now squeeze his brain.Squish. Squish. Squish…Until nothing is left of his brain.Now, Teddy Bear must go…He mustn’t stay there.He cannot wait for it any longer.It will never bring back what was destroyed…… Teddy Bear must go forward to save what’s left of him…Or else he will disappear…

Well, this poem most definitely made me never want to abuse a toy again! Talking about monsters eating a bear from the inside, and the bear's heart being already gone....really sad, but this was very well writ so I'm not complaining. Good job with this!

You're such a talented writer! I loved the dark tint of this poem; it was something that I could really connect with.