Wow, this is amazing. There was so much honest emotion, that I thought I was going to cry. Of course, do not change a thing, it's perfect the way it is. There weren't even any apparent grammatical errors that I could see. You are really talented, and should continue to use your writing to help express yourself. I loved this story, and I hope things get better.
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D
again, you are misusing semicolons. (Here's a hint, there should be a complete sentence on both sides of the semicolon). It's funny, I can give you almost the exact same advice on this piece that I gave you on your last piece. So in order to avoid sounding like a broken record, I'll just tell you some things. (which is ironic in a way)
I feel like what you're doing here is TELLING US everything. There is no room for the reader to bring his or her own interpretations to the table. Everything is spelled out and black and white. This has nothing to do with plot or content, you can tell us these things subtly by showing it to us. That means you have to write scene instead of summary. It's a lot harder, it moves a lot slower, but ultimately that's what you'll have to do in order to push this, in order to improve. It is very difficult to write a good story using only summary, and this is the reason: you end up telling us everything. Where's the fun in that? You should try experimenting with new narrative styles and play games with the reader. Don't let on about everything the whole time. Spill your heart out, but only let us see the stain, the shadow. The best line was 'i called the Christmas before last.' I wanted more. I wanted to know how you were spending that Christmas. There's a story there.
@ Perdido, again. This wasn't a story. This was a letter I wrote to my dad. You seem to just be totally ripping on people today, huh? But I will take the semicolons to heart, that I think is somewhat constructive. But everything else just seems like a giant bash. And as with the Christmas thing, it's sort of an oxi moron with the other things that you've said. I Have left the reader guessing, which is why I don't go into what MY christmas was like. It's funny because I've had so many other comments going against what you've said. So, once again. Have a nice day =]
About that... it started out fiction, but then i completely restarted and I have no idea which category it should be under... By the way, now that I know what you're about, you don't bug me as much, though you're still rather prickly.
I thought that this had a lot of good emotion behind it which kept the story moving. It also made the reader want to keep going. To me there should have been a little bit more mention of the situation with the boy who she loved and how that connected to the cutting and how it tied in with her dad. Other than that, I thought that this had beautiful imagery and great ways to connect with the feeling in here. You're a beautiful writer!
Cheers, Luxe
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it? Fear makes the wolf seem bigger. I got attacked by a swan.
Well I must say this is a very good piece. I could feel the emotion and work you put into it. All the constructive criticizm has already been pointed out I think. You are a very good writer. Did you do much reviewing before you posted on here? It's very well written and can't wait to read more of your work!
I didn't do too much reviewing before I had written that piece. I was new to YWS then and its only been two weeks or so now since I first started on this site. But I'm glad you enjoyed the piece =]
True passion can reflect here. AMAZING!!, i love it, i love the way it flows and the way you still believed you got to choose the wrong thing there even if you return back to it. I love it...... Keep up, Update us with your work as soon as you can :D
It's the heart in this that makes it. You could rewrite it a hundred times... it wouldn't matter. You got your message across with some very passionate, emotional language... Wow.
There's nothing I can really say about this, so I suppose I'll share.
I have a friend who's father left her and her mom at an early age. She never really knew him, and even now (we're freshman) she still wonders what he was like. And I just... I can't imagine what it's like. So when someone opens themselves up like this... I really admire them.
There's this song ("My Fault Your Mistake" by Lex Land) that she showed me one time when we were talking about her father. You should look it up, give it a listen.
But I'll post the last verse here, because the point of the last two paragraphs was to mention it. It's my favorite part, and it's always stuck with me...
And I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I let you hurt me, but your little girl is gonna change the world. You'll see...
Hello, and thank you for entering my contest, "The Little Things."
You're a good writer and you've got a lot of great imagery going on here. I really like the line "going out to the feed lot, dumping your fears and insecurities into a five gallon bucket." I also love the line "I used to be the girl who carved love into my skin" (it should technically be "who," not "that").
There are a couple spots that I don't quite get - "Dad, I love him," for example. Who is "he"? Is Dad against "him," or has Dad just not even noticed that the narrator is dating? Also, the later references to love: "I thought that love would last forever," "I'd still choose to love, I'd still get my heart broken," and "I used to be the girl who chased love." Are these (any or all) in reference to romantic love, possibly the "him," or to her father's love? You may want to clear this up a bit.
This was a good piece, but I'm not sure where the little moment is. If I had to guess I'd say it's where the narrator called on Christmas and talked to everyone but her dad. If this is the case, you need to draw that out a little more, make it last longer. It's an important moment - make it important. Maybe she asks to talk to Dad and hears Mom trying to persuade him in the background. Or whatever. It's your piece, that's just one suggestion of how you could do this.
You never really know how much of you takes residence in other people... We all exchange bits and pieces of ourselves with each other until we're big sparkly collages of everyone and everything we've ever loved — GengarTheGhost
