Two-Faced

Two- Faced

your mask is no longer invisible
everything has unraveled
and I see it all.
You had me fooled
as you had done with everyone else.
Perfect is your alter ego
your alter ego is the one everyone wants to be,
mandates to be. Even you,
have your own malfunctions.
you do so well at pretending that you forgot who you were
the unique person you were, you are lost in your lie.
But I know who you are I see what is so blind to others
but you still manage to continue your show to please everyone.
You are not real, nor will I ever bow down to you,
I could never pretend to be something I can never be
it's just a life of sadness ahead of me, living a lie.
go on with your charade
but one day everyone will know all was a game, a phony.
Even two-faced wannabes that have everything will lose their reign,
and just crash and burn along with all they have left.
I'd rather live in whats real,
then some sick fantasy of everything being perfect
I could never live something beautiful but torturous.

I will never be two-faced...

I have a few things to make it better but other than that theres not much. What I would do is space it so it looks like this

Your mask is no longer invisible,
everything has unraveled,
and I see it all
You had me fooled,
as you done with everyone else.
Perfect is your alter ego,
your alter ego is the one everyone wants to be,
or tells everyone to be, well, even a perfect person,
has they're flaws and defects,
you do so well at pretending that you forgot who you were,
the unique person you were, you are lost in your lie.
But I know who you are, I see what is so blind to others,
but you still manage to continue your show, to please everyone.
You are not real, nor will I ever want to be unrealistic,
I couldn't pretend to be something I can never be,
it's just a life of sadness ahead of me, living a lie.
Go on with your charade,
but one day everyone will know all was a game, a phony.
Even two-faced wannabes that have everything will lose their reign,
and just crash and burn, along with all they have left.
I'd rather live in whats real,
then some sick fantasy of everything being perfect,
I could never live something beautiful but torturous.
I will never be two-faced.

That way its easier to read, and it will look more structured. Other than that I can't see anything wrong so good luck and hope to see more soon! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3

It was very interesting!!! It had a dark feel too it....WhiCH I LOVE!!!!

Glad you changed it now its easier to read hehe. Good work and keep writing!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3

I really liked this poem, I've never seen the first version, but I like this one. I like the moral and the way you presented the poem. I can't pick out my favorite lines, because I loved it all. I'm sorry that I couldn't be more specific if you had any errors, you didn't have any that I could see. I loved it, and keep writing!!!!

When i read this, it made me think of myself...what i've been through makes me write such things myself. Your poem was a little confusing as there were small gramatical errors..But your message went through. For example when you wrote:

as you done with everyone else

You forgot "as you HAD done with everyone else. i liked the poem. Keep it up ! Also...hypocrites always fall girl, no worries. Sooner or later everyone finds out their true natures :p

Hi, Creative! Here I am finally, sorry for taking so long.


Do you think you could consider deleting some of those commas you seem to like ending your lines with? A lot of them are unnecessary, and some of them shouldn't even be there. They also disrupt the flow quite a bit and make the overall atmosphere rushed, so I think you could very well do away with some of them. Just as every line doesn't need to begin with a capital letter, every line doesn't need to end in a punctuation mark.

You have some nice ideas in the poem, but their execution could be better. Like this part:

Perfect is your alter ego,
your alter ego is the one everyone wants to be,
mandates everyone to be.

The basic idea of this is good, but by having unnecessary repetition ("alter ego", "everyone") and phrasing it too wordily you kind of kill it. You don't need so many words to say something, especially in a poem.


[quote]have they're flaws and defects, [quote]

Beware the homonyms! They're =/= their.

As I've already said, you have good ideas and thoughts. You could make them into a poem more interestingly by using imagery and metaphors, and scratching everything you don't really need. It's no use suffocating the reader with awkward phrasing and an excess usage of words when you can make a point with so much less

I hope I helped! Thanks for the read!


Demeter
x

I think a lot of people have picked up on the grammar aspect of this. But, some nitpicks are:
After your periods, sometimes you don't capitalize the next letter of the word, in the beginning of the sentence. I think it's important, because if we don't add every capital letter, the whole thing becomes the same, and mushed up.
I actually loved this so much, I wish it had been a bit longer, with a bit more details of how much you really KNOW that person, and exactly WHAT they are doing to put on a mask and living a lie.

I COMPLETELY see the real point you're trying to bring across. For me personally, the message I took away is that, until you really truly get to know a person, and open them up, you will never see them truly for who they are. Once the mask is unveiled, it can either be good or very "lost", as you said in this poem.

Well done, keep writing!!

great job! your poem reminds me of two-face, one of the villians who lives in batman's gotham city. im such a nerd but i really like, only one critisism..the lines seem like a little choppy to me. but maybe thats how you intended to write it? i dont know but i think it kinda makes the poem