My Girl, VERONIKKA

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'Twas in a broad afternoon breeze, that I found myself strolling in the school oval grounds playing with the grasshoppers hopping nowhere. Fate seemed to tell me to glance from a new built building at my back which i didn't intend to do. But I did. I was just amazed then when I saw the 8th wonder of the my world, Veronikka Petrovich. My girl. Blood of a Filipino and a Russian, her brown shiny hair makes a flashy effect while she strode her hands down unto it.

"Ron!"

She called me. This is quite fascinating. It's really is. So, I smiled and went up to the building where she was at.

"Oh!" I said with extreme excitement uproaching her slowly.

"Hi." she uttered in a low cuddling voice wearing a warm smile.

"I thought you would come to school by eight. What made you to come so early?"

"Yeah, I really change my mind often." She smiled and laughed at me.

"Yeah yeah! Girls change a lot. It's as often as you change your clothes off." I said, mumbling.

"Pardon?"

Oh! My EQ just overflowed without minding what I am saying.

"No no. Nothing. I just can't imagine how I'm in love with you so deeply. I really can't wait to grow old with you, Nikka." and I hold her both hands and pressed in to my chest. "I love you."

She blushed! I already did this so many times to her but still I received the same reaction over and over again. She really is in love with me too.

I moved beside her and had my hand at her back. What a warm affectionate feeling it is. She seems leaning now on my chest and tend to hug her,

"By the way, do you have something to tell Nikka?" I looked at her leaving a sweet enticing smile.

"Well, I do... A favor." Her face was then covered by a blanket of sadness as she spoke those words. What can it possibly be?

"What is that then? Is there something wrong?"

"Yes. Ron, I have..." Nikka paused a moment when a great noise sounded from afar. I took me seconds to buffer in my mind that it was just Coach Albert. We'll have to practice again to defend our title in the 23rd Invitational Cup. I'm already exhausted in the practice. I wanted to be with Nikka but I have duties to do for the varsity. *sad*

I look her straight to her eyes, disappointedly. "Sorry, but I have to go."

She looks sad.

"Don't worry." I said. "I will just see you afterwards. You can go with me if you wanted too."

Unfortunately she refused my offer. "It's ok, Ron. Just be in your practice."

* * *

"Good job Ron!"

"Thanks."

Whew. There's no other tiring activity than a 3-hour session of a soccer practice with coach and the team. It made me alive. The usual, I took a quick shower, changed my clothes and have a seat in the thousand-seater grandstand. I looked at my teammates as they went out the field. They wave a hand at me and returned a swift hovering wave above my head. I never imagine nor dreamed how fulfilling my day can be. The warm soothing breeze. The green field and... WAIT! I've forgot something. Where's...

VERONIKKA?

The day after, I called her. *ring ring* But no one answered. I tried to call her again but still there's no sign of Veronikka. I don't know what goes in her mind for answering my calls. So, I've just left a message saying:

"Good morning Nikka. Where did you go yesterday? I've told you to wait for me. I've waited for an hour. Even a single image, not even a shadow, of yours wasn't there. I decided then to go home, alone. Please do answer my calls. I'm totally freaking missing you. Love you Nikka."

Two days and two nights had already passed since I called her but I didn't received any reply from her, neither a call nor a text message. What did I done? Did I do anything wrong? Is she mad because I left her alone? I really can't distinguish why. *sad face*

* * *

Six o'clock in the morning, my alarm sounded so eager to wake me up. But, oh, I almost forgot something. IT'S THE CHAMPIONSHIP DAY! *excited* I immediately wake me up without hesitation after the idea of excitement sink in me. I took a sip of my hot brewed black coffee, ate some cookies on the table, packed my things up and went straight to my car driving swiftly to going downtown.

But something unavoidable event happened along my way.

"Hello?" I answered my phone while driving in he middle of the road.

"Where are you now?!" an angry voiced person shouted at me.

"Yes coach, I'm on my. . . WHOOOH!!"

Suddenly my car went over the other lane uncontrolled and collided with another incoming car, leaving my bloody body, under unstable condition, unconscious.

* * *

"Argh!" I saw an image of two persons talking and handed something. "Coach? Is that you? Where am I? What's happening?"

"Oh! Ron. You're awake already." He then moved right near me. "How's your feeling right now?"

"Gosh! Everything... is a glimpse of a second. "I tried to get off my bed suffering from back pains and sat. "But, coach, how's the game?"

"Ah! The game?"

"Yah! Exactly! Was it postponed or we lose the opportunity to win the game?"

"No Ron!" Coach had his hand around me. "It's okay. Don't bother it. Wherein fact, the tournament directors had called me earlier that they would postpone the match. But before that, there is something that you should tackle first."

From his suitcase, he handed a letter of finely designed red petals with glitters over it and with a touch of organic.

"What's this coach?"

"Just read it!" "Okay boys, we've got to go." "Bye Ron." "Bye coach, bye fellas. Thanks for the visit!"

After the team left, I stared at the letter and tried to figured out what the letter really was.

Seconds after, it was then Veronikka whom I thought to give a letter like this. No one in my entire life would make a sophisticated art like this. I then immediately opened it, tearing the right end of the envelope, and got the letter, folded three times, inside. I just teared as I read it along the lines.

Dear Ron,

Hi! How's the game? By the way, I got the message you left for me and I feel sorry for having you waited for an hour, not just even telling you that I went home. Sorry for that. The truth is I have something to say important to you that day but you are so busy in your practice that's why I went home and very disappointed. And I decided to write you this letter. It's hard for me and I felt guilty to live in a secret that I can't tell you. But this time, before I will or maybe left you, I wanted you to know all about it. Last month, I and my family went to the doctor to consult something because lately I've been manifested by some symptoms of a dreaded disease. When the result was issued to us, my world crushed and my family cried a lot. Ron, I have a stage 4 cancer. The doctor said that I won't live long and there's no way to cure this disease. I would like to see you before I die. Please kindly see at the back, I write the address of the hospital and my room number.

With an everlasting love,

Veronika



I abruptly turned the paper to its back with my shaky hands and upon knowing about the condition of my girl, my heart beats fast and my muscle tends to tighten.

Divine Mercy Hospital. Room 205. I read.

As I read the note at the back, my heart beats and pumps faster, my eyes teared a lot, and my whole body numbs knowing that we are just in the same hospital with a neighboring room number, Room 204 of mine and Room 205. Without seconds to waste, I then rushed to the door crying loudly as I can. Without any seconds being missed I tried to see her. Crying, I stood in front of the room. And an old woman came near from nowhere.

"Excuse me sir, are you Mr. Ron Alison?" "Yes. Why?"

"Please go inside my dear. She's waiting for you."

The old woman vanished through thin air after she uttered the last word. I was shocked! Nevertheless, I continued to open the door. Dark. I saw a girl lying cold in bed. I cried thoroughly in the room. I went nearer. Upon reaching I saw that the girl lying in bed wore a ring, the same ring that I gave to Veronikka on our 5th monthsary.

"NO!! This can't be! This is not her! I know, Veronikka is alive! Where is she!" I shouted and cried. But, my belief failed me when he saw a note written in blood...











"I LOVE YOU, RON!"
Last edited by kogarasumaro143 on Thu Apr 14, 2011 1:26 am, edited 3 times in total.
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‘Twas in a broad afternoon breeze, that I found myself strolling in the green, grassy school oval grounds, playing with some little green hoping creatures when fate seemed to tell me to glance from a new built fleshy colored building at my back. It was never my intent to do. But I did. I was just amazed when I saw 8th wonder of the myworld, Veronikka Petrovich. My girl. Blood from a Filipino and a Russian, her brown shiny hair makes a flashy effect while she strode her hands down unto it.

“Ron!”

She called me. What can Destiny is up to now? Bringing us together when I expected not. This is quite fascinating. It really is.

“Oh!” I said with an you don't need the an extreme excitement in my eyes.

“Hi.” she uttered in a low, cuddling voice with a warm smile. I love her when she does that.

“I thought you would come to school by eight am. What made you to don't needcome here early?”

“Yeah, I really change my mind often.” She smiled at laughed should be , laughing at me.

“Yeah yeah! Girls change a lot. It’s like changing your clothes off.”I said, mumbling.

“Pardon?”

Oh! My EQ just overflowed without minding what I am saying. “No no. Nothing. I just can’t imagine how I’m in love you this deeply. I can’t wait to grow old with you, Nikka.” and I hold her both hands and pressed in to my chest. “I love you.”

She blushed! I already did this so many times to her, but still I received the same reaction over and over again. She really is in love with me too.

I moved beside her and had my hand at her back. A warm affectionate feeling it is. She seems leaning now at my chest as I tend to hug her,

“By the way, do you have something to tell Nikka?” I looked at her, leaving a sweet enticing smile.

“Well, I do. A favor.” Her face was then covered by a blanket of sadness as she spoke those words. What can it possibly be.

“What is that then? Is there something wrong?”

“Yes. Ron, I have…” Nikka paused a moment when a great noise sounded from afar. I took me seconds to buffer in my mind that it was Coach Albert. We’ll have to practice again to defend our title in the 23rd Invitational Cup. I’m already exhausted in the practice. I wanted to be with Nikka but I have duties to do for the varsity I am in.

I look her straight to her eyes, disappointedly. “Sorry, but I have to go.”

She looks sad.

“Don’t worry.” Hmmm. “I will just see you after the practice. You can go with me if you want.”

Unfortunately she refused my offer. “It’s ok, Ron. Just be in your practice.”

* * *

“Good job Ron!”



“Thanks.”

Whew. There’s no other tired activity than a session of a soccer practice with coach and the team. It made me alive. The usual, I took a quick shower, changed my clothes and have a seat in the thousand-seater grandstand. I looked at my teammates as they went out the field. They wave a hand at me and returned a swift hovering wave above my head. I never imagine nor dreamed how fulfilling my day can be. The warm soothing breeze. The green field and… WAIT! I’ve forgot something. Where’s…

VERONIKKA?

The day after, I called her. *ring ring* But no one answered. I tried to call her again but still there’s no sign of Veronikka. I don’t know what goes in her mind for answering my calls. So, I’ve just left a message saying:

“Good morning Nikka. Where did you go yesterday? I’ve told you to wait for me. I’ve waited for an hour. Even a single image, not even a shadow, of yours wasn’t there. I decided then to go home, alone. Please do answer my calls. I’m totally freaking missing you. Love you Nikka.”

Two days and two nights had already passed since I called her but I didn’t received any reply from her, neither a call nor a text message. What did I done? Did I do anything wrong? Is she mad because I left her alone? I really can’t distinguish why. *sad face*

* * *

Six o’clock in the morning, my alarm sounded so eager to wake me up. But, oh, I almost forgot something. IT’S THE CHAMPIONSHIP DAY! *excited* I immediately wake me up without hesitation after the idea of excitement sink in me. I took a sip of my hot brewed black coffee, ate some cookies on the table, packed my things up and went straight to my car driving swiftly to going downtown.

But something unavoidable event happened along my way.

“Hello?” I answered my phone while driving in he middle of the road.

“Where are you now?!” an angry voiced person shouted at me.

“Yes coach, I’m on my. . . WHOOOH!!”

Suddenly my car went over the other lane uncontrolled and collided with another incoming car, leaving my bloody body, under unstable condition, unconscious.

* * *

“Argh!” I saw an image of two persons talking and handed something. “Coach? Is that you? Where am I? What’s happening?”

“Oh! Ron. You’re awake already.” He then moved right near me. “How’s your feeling right now?”

“Gosh! Everything… is a glimpse of a second. “I tried to get off my bed suffering from back pains and sat. “But, coach, how’s the game?”

“Ah! The game?”

“Yah! Exactly! Was it postponed or we lose the opportunity to win the game?”

“No Ron!” Coach had his hand around me. “It’s okay. Don’t bother it. Wherein fact, the tournament directors had called me earlier that they would postpone the match. But before that, there is something that you should tackle first.”

From his suitcase, he handed a letter of finely designed red petals with glitters over it and with a touch of organic.

“What’s this coach?”

“Just read it!” “Okay boys, we’ve got to go.” “Bye Ron.“ “Bye coach, bye fellas. Thanks for the visit!”

After the team left, I stared at the letter and tried to figured out what the letter really was.

Seconds after, it was then Veronikka whom I thought to give a letter like this. No one in my entire life would make a sophisticated art like this. I then immediately opened it, tearing the right end of the envelope, and got the letter, folded three times, inside. I just teared as I read it along the lines.

Dear Ron,

Hi! How’s the game? By the way, I got the message you left for me and I feel sorry for having you waited for an hour, not just even telling you that I went home. Sorry for that. The truth is I have something to say important to you that day but you are so busy in your practice that’s why I went home and very disappointed. And I decided to write you this letter. It’s hard for me and I felt guilty to live in a secret that I can’t tell you. But this time, before I will or maybe left you, I wanted you to know all about it. Last month, I and my family went to the doctor to consult something because lately I’ve been manifested by some symptoms of a dreaded disease. When the result was issued to us, my world crushed and my family cried a lot. Ron, I have a stage 4 cancer. The doctor said that I won’t live long and there’s no way to cure this disease. I would like to see you before I die. Please kindly see at the back, I write the address of the hospital and my room number.



With an everlasting love,

Veronika

I abruptly turned the paper to its back with my shaky hands and upon knowing about the condition of my girl, my heart beats fast and my muscle tends to tighten.

Divine Mercy Hospital. Room 205. I read.

As I read the note at the back, my heart beats and pumps faster, my eyes teared a lot, and my whole body numbs knowing that we are just in the same hospital with a neighboring room number, Room 204 of mine and Room 205. Without seconds to waste, I then rushed to the door crying loudly as I can. Without any seconds being missed I tried to see her. Crying, I stood in front of the room. And an old woman came near from nowhere.

“Excuse me sir, are you Mr. Ron Alison?” “Yes. Why?”

“Please go inside my dear. She’s waiting for you.”

The old woman vanished through thin air after she uttered the last word. I was shocked! Nevertheless, I continued to open the door. Dark. I saw a girl lying cold in bed. I cried thoroughly in the room. I went nearer. Upon reaching I saw that the girl lying in bed wore a ring, the same ring that I gave to Veronikka on our 5th monthsary.

“NO!! This can’t be! This is not her! I know, Veronikka is alive! Where is she!” I shouted and cried. But, my belief failed me when he saw a note written in blood…













“I LOVE YOU, RON!”


That made me cry. So much. I truly loved it and I hope the corrections I made will help. Other than that I say AMAZING!!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1785
Reviews 62
Hi there!

This story is good, but not excellent.

There a few bugging issues with grammar, such as you say in one part "have" instead of "had."

They are just little issues that with a good thorough read over it would do wonders for this piece.

Also, I think that this needs more descriptive text. What makes Ron and Veronikka's love so special?

We need more insight and emotion from the two main characters. Thus, when we get to the end we actually feel sad about her death and how it will affect Ron.

Keep writing!

~ T.K
"There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering." Cato




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'Twas in a broad afternoon breeze, that I found myself strolling in the school oval grounds playing with the grasshoppers hopping nowhere. Fate seemed to tell me to glance from a new built building at my back which i didn't intend to do. But I did. I was just amazed then when I saw the 8th wonder of the my world, Veronikka Petrovich. My girl. Blood of a Filipino and a Russian, her brown shiny hair makes a flashy effect while she strode her hands down unto it.

"Ron!"

She called me. This was quite fascinating. It really was. So, I smiled and went up to the building where she was at.

"Oh!" I said with extreme excitement uproaching her slowly.

"Hi." she uttered in a low cuddling voice wearing a warm smile.

"I thought you would come to school by eight. What made you to come so early?"

"Yeah, I really change my mind often." She smiled and laughed at me.

"Yeah yeah! Girls change a lot. It's as often as you change your clothes off." I said, mumbling.

"Pardon?"

Oh! My EQ just overflowed without minding what I was saying.

"No no. Nothing. I just can't imagine how I'm in love with you so deeply. I really can't wait to grow old with you, Nikka." I held both her hands and pressed them to my chest. "I love you."

She blushed! I already did this so many times to her but still I received the same reaction over and over again. She really was in love with me too.

I moved beside her and had my hand at her back. What a warm affectionate feeling it was. She seems leaning now on my chest and tend to hug her, -I really don't get this sentence.

"By the way, do you have something to tell Nikka?" I looked at her leaving a sweet enticing smile.

"Well, I do... A favor." Her face was then covered by a blanket of sadness as she spoke those words. What could it possibly be?

"What is that then? Is there something wrong?"

"Yes. Ron, I have..." Nikka paused a moment when a great noise sounded from afar. It took seconds to buffer in my mind that it was just Coach Albert. We had to practice again to defend our title in the 23rd Invitational Cup. I was already exhausted with the practice. I wanted to be with Nikka but I had duties to do for the varsity. *sad*

I looked her straight in the eyes, feeling disappointed. "Sorry, but I have to go."

She looked sad.

"Don't worry." I said. "I will just see you afterwards. You can go with me if you wanted too."

Unfortunately she refused my offer. "It's okay, Ron. Just be in your practice."

* * *

"Good job Ron!"

"Thanks."

Whew. There was no other tiring activity than a 3-hour session of a soccer practice with coach and the team. It made me alive. The usual, I took a quick shower, changed my clothes and have a seat in the thousand-seater grandstand. I looked at my teammates as they went out the field. They waved a hand at me and returned a swift hovering wave above my head. I never imagine nor dreamed how fulfilling my day can be. The warm soothing breeze. The green field and... WAIT! I forgot something. Where was...

VERONIKKA?

The day after, I called her. *ring ring* But no one answered. I tried to call her again but still there's no sign of Veronikka. I didn't know what had gone in her mind for not answering my calls. So, I just left a message saying:

"Good morning Nikka. Where did you go yesterday? I've told you to wait for me. I've waited for an hour. Even a single image, not even a shadow, of yours wasn't there. I decided then to go home, alone. Please do answer my calls. I'm totally freaking missing you. Love you Nikka."

Two days and two nights had already passed since I called her but I didn't received any reply from her, neither a call nor a text message. What have I done? Did I do anything wrong? Was she mad because I left her alone? I really couldn't distinguish why. *sad face*

* * *

Six o'clock in the morning, my alarm sounded so eager to wake me up. But, oh, I almost forgot something. IT'S THE CHAMPIONSHIP DAY! *excited* I immediately woke up without hesitation after the idea of excitement sank in me. I took a sip of my hot brewed black coffee, ate some cookies on the table, packed my things up and went straight to my car driving swiftly to going downtown.

But something unavoidable event happened along my way.

"Hello?" I answered my phone while driving in he middle of the road.

"Where are you now?!" an angry voiced person shouted at me.

"Yes coach, I'm on my. . . WHOOOH!!"

Suddenly my car went over the other lane uncontrolled and collided with another incoming car, leaving my bloody body, under unstable condition, unconscious.

* * *

"Argh!" I saw an image of two persons talking and handed something. "Coach? Is that you? Where am I? What's happening?"

"Oh! Ron. You're awake already." He then moved right near me. "How's your feeling right now?"

"Gosh! Everything... is a glimpse of a second. "I tried to get off my bed suffering from back pains and sat. "But, coach, how's the game?"

"Ah! The game?"

"Yah! Exactly! Was it postponed or we lose the opportunity to win the game?"

"No Ron!" Coach had his hand around me. "It's okay. Don't bother it. Wherein fact, the tournament directors had called me earlier that they would postpone the match. But before that, there is something that you should tackle first."

From his suitcase, he handed a letter of finely designed red petals with glitters over it and with a touch of organic.

"What's this coach?"

"Just read it!" "Okay boys, we've got to go." "Bye Ron." "Bye coach, bye fellas. Thanks for the visit!"

After the team left, I stared at the letter and tried to figured out what the letter really was.

Seconds after, it was then Veronikka whom I thought to give a letter like this. No one in my entire life would make a sophisticated art like this. I then immediately opened it, tearing the right end of the envelope, and got the letter, folded three times, inside. I just teared as I read it along the lines.

Dear Ron,

Hi! How's the game? By the way, I got the message you left for me and I feel sorry for having you waited for an hour, not just even telling you that I went home. Sorry for that. The truth is I have something to say important to you that day but you are so busy in your practice that's why I went home and very disappointed. And I decided to write you this letter. It's hard for me and I felt guilty to live in a secret that I can't tell you. But this time, before I will or maybe left you, I wanted you to know all about it. Last month, I and my family went to the doctor to consult something because lately I've been manifested by some symptoms of a dreaded disease. When the result was issued to us, my world crushed and my family cried a lot. Ron, I have a stage 4 cancer. The doctor said that I won't live long and there's no way to cure this disease. I would like to see you before I die. Please kindly see at the back, I write the address of the hospital and my room number.

With an everlasting love,

Veronika



I abruptly turned the paper to its back with my shaky hands and upon knowing about the condition of my girl, my heart beat fast and my muscle intended to tighten.

Divine Mercy Hospital. Room 205. I read.

As I read the note at the back, my heart beat and pumped faster, my eyes teared a lot, and my whole body numbed knowing that we were just in the same hospital with a neighboring room number, Room 204 of mine and Room 205. Without seconds to waste, I then rushed to the door crying loudly as I can. Without any seconds being missed I tried to see her. Crying, I stood in front of the room. And an old woman came near from nowhere.

"Excuse me sir, are you Mr. Ron Alison?" "Yes. Why?"

"Please go inside my dear. She's waiting for you."

The old woman vanished through thin air after she uttered the last word. I was shocked! Nevertheless, I continued to open the door. Dark. I saw a girl lying cold in bed. I cried thoroughly in the room. I went nearer. Upon reaching I saw that the girl lying in bed wore a ring, the same ring that I gave to Veronikka on our 5th monthsary.

"NO!! This can't be! This is not her! I know, Veronikka is alive! Where is she!" I shouted and cried. But, my belief failed me when he saw a note written in blood...











"I LOVE YOU, RON!"


Okay, I don't think it's the right time for me to give a review about the story this time because I saw a few errors, mostly in your consistency of verb tense. It's important for a writer to be consistent of the verb tenses to avoid confusion from the readers and to create an effective transition.

This piece still needs to be re-edited. You can do it.

Also, please avoid using words in asterisks like *sad* or *excited* when expressing the POV's emotions. They're informal. If you want to express the character's feelings, then write them in sentences.

That's all I can say for now. Just figure out how to improve this piece and I'd be honored to review again if it's done. Keep up the good work!!
"There's a touch of madness in every great mind."



Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
— Roy T. Bennett