Black Light

Oh love I think I may have lost my mind.
Lying here asleep in the wake of my carnage,
You should not have been so unkind.

I'm taking you out on a date tonight.
I'm going to get drunk and then I'll start a fight.
Don't tell me you'll be there for me.
You'll never make it right.

You made a fatal mistake.
How am I supposed to feel when I gave you my heart,
And when you give me yours,
I see that it's fake!

If theres no love between us
then I'll make sure that there is hate.
If you breathe my name
I swear I'll suffocate.

I used to kiss but now I bite.
Eat out your heart
So you can see the black light.

Awesome job I can feel the emotion behind the words and I hope to read more of yours soon Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3

This was interesting structurally though I think this poem would really benefit from some more punctuation. Right now, the punctuation is a bit sparse and inconsistent, which makes some lines not as easily understood as they could (and probably should) be.

In general, though, your flow was pretty solid, which made the sections which didn't flow as well pretty obvious. For instance, the line "I'm going to get drunk and then I'll start a fight." would flow better with a comma after "drunk" and the "and" omitted.

Reading your poem aloud (or having someone read it aloud to you) is a good thing to do if you don't already do so since it will help you more easily pick up the spots where the flow is lost or encounters a bump. Since your poem is so short, every bump in the flow becomes really noticeable, much moreso than if your poem had been longer, or even if you had been writing a short story.

Another thing that would help your flow would be to use proper punctuation. Right now, it's a bit inconsistent, and while it's not horrible, it does make things a bit less easy to understand on first readthrough, which interrupts the flow of he poem as your reader goes back and rereads to try to understand.

Oh love I think I may have lost my mind.
Lying here asleep in the wake of my carnage,
You should not have been so unkind.

Is this poem addressed to love? Or to someone you call love. 'I think I may have lost my mind' seems boring to me, weak. What about. "Oh love, I've lost my mind." That's stronger. Don't leave the possibility of sanity. Commit to being insane. Especially after the next line, 'lying here asleep in the wake of my carnage.' (you can probably change this line to "asleep in the wake of my carnage.' (because, sleeping implies lying down and you're always where you are)) That sounds like you went on a killing spree or something. I know that's probably not true and it's just an exaggeration, but keep the exaggeration going, otherwise everything after that seems really weak. So actually, I'd tone down this line. Because this stanza seems to be saying "I've perpetrated all kinds of carnage. Why? Because you're not being NICE."

I'm taking you out on a date tonight.
I'm going to get drunk and then I'll start a fight.
Don't tell me you'll be there for me.
You'll never make it right.

this stanza, for me, closer represents the tone I think you really want. Reading through, this stays pretty consistent. So I'd change that first stanza.

You made a fatal mistake.
How am I supposed to feel when I gave you my heart,
And when you give me yours,
I see that it's fake!

okay so, I've said this before and I'll say it again. Poems that address a personal 'you,' make me feel locked out. Because I have no idea what happened, and as I read, I still have no idea. My suggestion is to try and edit the poem into third person. Use a name, a nickname, a fake name, and address THE READER. Otherwise the reader feels... like they don't wanna read it.

If theres no love between us
then I'll make sure that there is hate.
If you breathe my name
I swear I'll suffocate.

I liked the first two lines. The last two, seemed cliche. Still, there's room for condensation, you can really tighten those first two lines.

I used to kiss but now I bite.
Eat out your heart
So you can see the black light.

liked the first line, kinda kinky. The last one was weak. 'so you can see the black light.' You are aware, of course, that there are things called black lights and they are often associated with drug use and high lighter parties? I run the risk of sounding like a broken record, but seriously. SENSORY DETAIL. Use it. It helps the reader get into the poem because THAT IS HOW WE EXPERIENCE THE WORLD. With our senses. We convert sensory detail INTO emotion. Emotion doesn't come out of a vacuum, but it seems to in a lot of these pieces. Also remember to read poetry.

best,