Amen.

I saw a girl die yesterday.

She was weeping tears of blood,
her skin, washed-out and pale
as I dug the blade into her tight, veiny flesh deeper and deeper,
past the gold crosses burning into her neck,
past the sticky, black ivy twining up over everything[everyone]
searching for something[anything] real.

The sun shone through the stained glass,
dying her skin a diluted blue, green, red
lips were cracked, like a pretty porcelain doll
whose face was shattered with stones,
but the stones were words
or voices,
laughing in her head, serenading her deepest fears.

Her crystal eyes were blood-shot
from the amber bottle in her bag;
Her mind was hazy
from the shiny pink pills in her pocket;
her body shiverflinching at the golden apple's touch.
(What would Father Joseph say?)
but she still thrashed and kicked against me,
her fist against molten silver;
then the mirror girl was gone
and shattered glass sang from the floor.

"She was more useful dead anyway"


~*~

So, um review? Even if you're saying 'I like it' or 'I don't like it', I still appreciate it a lot. THANKS!

This poem is really good, and sad, but good. I think that your poem has very, very good imagery and I love the first few lines, simply amazing. I could read this over and over I am going to like it because I like liking stuff that I like. All I have to say is keep writing and I will definitely read... And tell me if you want me to read anything else!!!!

Here as requested, Jas.

I saw a girl die yesterday.

She was weeping tears of blood(.)
Her skin, washed-out and pale
as I dug the blade into her tight, veiny flesh deeper and deeper(.)
Past the gold crosses burning into her neck(;)
past the sticky,(no need for this comma here) black ivy twining up over everything(,)(space here)everyone(;)
past the demon spiders spinning a shroud of silk,
searching for something(,)(space here)anything real.

The sun shone through the stained glass,
dying her skin a diluted blue, green, red
lips were cracked, like a pretty(,)(space here)pretty porcelain doll
whose face was shattered with stones,
but the stones were words
or voices,
laughing in her head, serenading her deepest fears. (Is this meant to have that run on poetic sound? I can't tell if it's the grammar that's wrong or if it's just that "speaky" kind of poetry.)

Her crystal eyes were blood-shot
from the amber bottle in her bag;
Her mind was hazy
from the pretty pink pills in her pocket;
her body shiverflinching (Did you make up this word?) at the golden apple's touch.
(What would Father Joseph say?)
But she still thrashed and kicked against me(;)
her fist against molten silver(.)
Then the mirror girl was gone(,)
and shattered glass sang from the floor.

"She was more useful dead anyway"

Amen.

I like how you wrote this, meaning-wise. I didn't have the slightest idea the speaker was talking about herself until the end. So it was a pretty morbid sounding surprise, which I liked. The set-up of the poem overall seemed a little scattered, but with some minor tweaks I think you could clean that up easy. Make it more understandable the direction you were going.

My experience in reviewing poetry is pretty limited, but I hope my review was at least a little helpful to you. Let me know if you ever need anything else.

I love it.

Wow! This is poem is powerful. It is a poem that keeps the reader going till the very last word. It definitely resonates a voice that pierces into the mind and thoughts of the reader. As I read this poem, the voice sounded like vigour and power. The imagery had depth to it. Due to the poetic diction of the poem, It made the imagery of the poem have depth and also a dark side. The poem had a good flow and effect on the reader. On the other hand, I felt this: "She was more useful dead anyway" at the end part was not really necessary. In my opinion, It makes the vigour and power of the poem kind of trail off! Other than that, the poem is indeed a great one.

Kafka here.

So, first of all, congrats on placing second in my contest! Part of the deal was that I'd give you a nice, long review, so that's what is in order.

jasminebells wrote:I saw a girl die yesterday.

She was weeping tears of blood,
her skin, washed-out and pale
as I dug the blade into her tight, veiny flesh deeper and deeper,
past the gold crosses burning into her neck,
past the sticky, black ivy twining up over everythingeveryone
past the demon spiders spinning a shroud of silk,
searching for somethinganything real.

Ahaha. I suppose I'd be lying if I said this didn't immediately draw me in. I'm a big fan of short, simple phrases as first lines, and though this one may be a tad bit too polysyllabic for my taste, it was very well executed. That said, perhaps it would be best if it wasn't removed from the first stanza? I'm not sure if its isolation is wholly necessary or beneficial toward the poem. Anyway. From there you proceed to describe the physical appearance of said girl - not an unpredictable way of continuing the poem. My real problem with this stanza is that you seem to try to carry on with the sentence past its reasonable closure, which is always a dangerous path to tread. Near the end, it starts to lose its spark, and instead begins to simply become tedious for the reader. Also, lines two and three of this stanza (discounting the very first line, mind you) don't work at all, grammatically speaking.

jasminebells wrote:The sun shone through the stained glass,
dying her skin a diluted blue, green, red
lips were cracked, like a prettypretty porcelain doll
whose face was shattered with stones,
but the stones were words
or voices,
laughing in her head, serenading her deepest fears.

By far my favorite stanza of the three. Everything - your word choice, your flow, your imagery - is near perfection. I do have a couple nitpicks I think are worth pointing out, however. Firstly, the only thing "prettypretty" does is remind me of old Barbie commercials and princess movies. This, followed by "whose face was shattered with stones?" Please. I'm sure there are other ways of stating that something is physically attractive. My second nitpick concerns the first line. It's clear you had a good image in your head as you wrote this, but I hope you'll excuse me if I say that your word choice is a bit... bland? Unoriginal?

jasminebells wrote:Her crystal eyes were blood-shot
from the amber bottle in her bag;
Her mind was hazy
from the pretty pink pills in her pocket;
her body shiverflinching at the golden apple's touch.
(What would Father Joseph say?)
but she still thrashed and kicked against me,
her fist against molten silver;
then the mirror girl was gone
and shattered glass sang from the floor.

"She was more useful dead anyway"

Amen.

Hmm. I like this, but doesn't the "Amen" at the end sound somewhat superfluous? I mean, it seems like the poem reaches its natural conclusion after the "'she was more useful dead anyway'" line, but that could just be me being irreligious and not truly understanding the importance of the last line in relation to the churchly references throughout the piece. Plus, "Amen" is the title - although even titles aren't necessarily permanent, yes? Well, enough with that. I loved the little twist at the end - about the girl being the narrator. I wonder - was the death meant to be metaphoric, or not? The whole story told through this poem is a bit cliched, to be honest, though it could very well be a metaphor as well. Oh, and I wanted to mention that I, once again, couldn't stand the use of "pretty pink," for the same reasons as last time.

Well! Great job. Thanks, again, for entering my contest. PM me if you have any questions or comments, and, as always, keep writing.

-Kafka

This was good. The descriptions left a very good picture in my head. I also could feel the emotion in this. You did a very good job and I couldn't see any mistakes that others didn't already point out so I don't think I should point them out again. Good job and I can't wait to read more of your works. Good luck and Keep up the good work!!!!! Happy Writing!!!!!
Soulkana<3

This was very good. I think you should have rated it as 16+ or at least 12+, but that's just me. I liked it, though.

I've been sitting here for the past five minutes, trying to come up with some constructive criticism for this poem, and my mind is blank. This poem wasn't just good- it was great. I liked the story you told, the imagery you used, basically everything. You painted a creepy picture for the reader with the first verse which drew me in. I especially liked this verse:

The sun shone through the stained glass,
dying her skin a diluted blue, green, red
lips were cracked, like a pretty porcelain doll
whose face was shattered with stones,
but the stones were words
or voices,
laughing in her head, serenading her deepest fears.

It's a spooky verse, but I like it. Again, it paints a nice, compelling picture. Anyway, nice work, and good luck with future writing endeavors!

Hey Jas! Sorry I'm so late! It has been really hectic for me lately.... My dad has his busy season, and I'm doing a bunch of testing, so it has been hard to get on, but I'm here.... Finally! And I did not forget! Thanks for yet another review opportunity, I really appreciate it!

Grammar: (P.S. This just got deleted as I was formatting.... So I hope I got everything again... Sorry.)

past the sticky, black ivy twining up over everything-everyone

I think you need to use a hyphen here.

searching for something-anything real.

Same here.

Her body shiver-flinching at the golden apple's touch.

And here. Also, I didn't go through the capitalization, but that was addressed above, so I would take a good look at that one.



Suggestions:
Hmmm.... I don't know that I have much here for you.

Likes:

Here they are!

past the sticky, black ivy twining up over everythingeveryone
past the demon spiders spinning a shroud of silk,
searching for somethinganything real.

LIKE! Imagery, original, good.

whose face was shattered with stones,
but the stones were words
or voices,
laughing in her head, serenading her deepest fears.

The word choice, and I love how you put "or voices" on a separate line.

her fist against molten silver;
then the mirror girl was gone
and shattered glass sang from the floor.

Beautiful.

"She was more useful dead anyway"

Love how it is like an afterthought, and I just think it is a good line.

Overall: It was good. I won't say it was anything special, because it wasn't. It was good however, and I enjoyed reading it, so I thank you again for the chance to review. Most of the grammar was addressed above, along with suggestions so I didn't really get to do a review I would like to, but if you take some of the advice from the others, you will be on the right track. I agree that I love the suspense, and shock involved, so yeah. Good job! Keep writing and hit me up with another poem or story anytime!

-HostofHorus

Whoa! I lovelovelove when poems/stories grab me right at the first line. I'm the type of person who puts down a book if the first chapter doesn't spark my interest, so I love when this sort of thing happens. What a twist at the end, too. At first, I thought it might be Death Itself or something... Turned out to be even more interesting! I'm not really good at poetry, but let's see... I like the italicized bits--gives it that raw feeling which this kind of poem suits. The imagery of shattered glass singing was great, too. Your word choice was great, but sometimes a bit too dramatic. Overall, lovely poem!

Really good, i don't normally read poetry but this is really good. Love the imagery, just the fact that its dark and depressing and that you totally OWNED it. Good job and thanks for sharing.