Violet Saga: Year One Chapter 2: EDITED

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Chapter 2
Chapter Two: The Letters

Alexis slept, her breathing deep and her chest rising and falling slowly. Her fingers wrapped around the blanket, clutching it tightly as she dreamed. Her eyelids fluttered whilst she murmured in her sleep. It was one of those things she had done since she was an infant. She then, suddenly turned quite abruptly, a soft sigh escaping her lips before she fell back into her restless sleep.

Rosa sat beside the bed. Her eyes took in the child’s pale skin and the slight flush to her cheeks. Such a sweet little girl. Pity that she could become so easily sick. She gently smoothed the child’s thick, black, straight hair out of her face. At that moment, Alexis’ eyes opened. She slid out of the bed, her face pale as she tried to cool off.

“Hi, sweetie. Do you feel okay?” Rosa asked, her lips turned up at the corners weakly; a sign of concern.

“No. I don’t feel good. I feel sick.”

“Okay. Let’s get you to your bed, then I will go get you some help.”

“Okay,” Alexis whispered, quietly falling back into unconsciousness.

Carrying the child to the bed, she made sure not to have the blanket cover her too much. Knowing that the fever was making her too hot. After she reassured herself enough to know the girl would be ok, she hurried out to call the doctor.
Alexis stared at the ceiling, thinking. She was wondering where Miss Rosa was and she was getting really hot which made everything feel horribly damp and uncomfortable. Kicking off the blanket she tried desperately to get up, to find her. It couldn't be that hard... Of course, she hadn't expected the door to open. A teenager boy - one from earlier, she noted - strode in with the fiercest of expressions. His eyes were cold as they stared at her. He smiled, wickedly as he grew closer. In mere moments he began taunting her.

“Aw. Look at little Alexis. She's sick in bed. ” He smiled eerily with that same listless expression pasted on his face. “Let me help you get better sweetie.” His voice was toned with sarcasm as he grasped her arm roughly and flung her to the floor.

Alexis’ eyes widened with terror. Images of the stranger and her parents flashed before her eyes. The boy loved to be the object of fear to anyone and everyone. She could tell by the listless look in his eyes as he roughly grabbed her before tossing her frail body against the ground.. Alexis, in fear of her life, began to scream. She screamed so loud it caused glass to break. It also alerted Rosa who was downstairs, just finishing her call with the doctor.

Rushing and taking two stairs at a time Rosa burst into the room just in time to see Alexis being held down with a knife to her throat by the boy. He jumped when the door slammed open. He turned to stare at her in rage. The glint in his eye was unmistakable. His intent to kill the young child would have infuriated anyone.

She did something that Alexis had never seen. Rosa moved fast, grabbing the young man’s arm tightly before pulling him off of her. It looked like, to Alexis, that she was going to throw him out of the window. When in actuality, she slammed him to the floor causing him to make the knife drop out of his hand. Clattering to the floor, the knife laid forgotten her eyes blazing with fury as she glared at him, hissing, “Why are you trying to hurt her? Why are you attacking my child!?”

The boy gazed at her, his eyes glazed and unfocused. He seemed disoriented for a few minutes before focusing on the woman who held him steadfast. His face turned from confusion to rage within seconds, hollering, “She’s a Angemon!!! She killed my father!!!”

Rosa’s eyes flashed dangerously as she spat, her voice low and threatening, “What does that have to do with ANYTHING?! She’s only FIVE damn it!”

The teen glared at Rosa, snapping, “He was my father!! He was the only thing I had left in this world!!”
Alexis watched all this from a corner she had fled to and huddled in. Her eyes were filled with tears of fear she whispered, “I didn’t do anything!”

Rosa held the boy down tightly, as she turned to glance at the child, seeing the fear in her eyes she said soothingly, “Of course you didn’t, Alexis. How about you go dial 9-1-1 and tell them to come here please?”

Alexis stared at her blankly, her eyes slightly cautious. Slowly a glimmer of trust entered them. Rosa, who had always been kind, never would have done anything cruel to her... right? She nodded. Quickly she hurried out of the room as fast as her little legs could take her to the kitchen where the phone was.

Rosa turned back to the boy. Her face was dark with anger. Closing the door, she growled, “Why did you try to kill her?! That girl is only FIVE! What on Earth could she possibly done to your father?!”

As she spoke, she leaned in closer. Her eyes held his gaze. She felt satisfied when his face flickered with fear. He glared at her hissing, his voice like ice, “She killed him! Why do you think she appeared here the morning just AFTER my father’s death?!”

Rosa quickly grabbed the boy by the collar. She leveled her face with his and backed him up so his was square against the wall.

“Touch her and I will become what you fear the most.” she hissed menacingly in his ear, with a dangerous gleam in her eyes.

The boy replied impishly, “I hope she suffers for what she did!”

A loud crack sounded through the room. The boy’s head was turned to the right, his left cheek turning a furious red. Rosa’s voice rang out in the room as she shouted, angrily, “I hope that you never live to see another sunrise.”
Meanwhile downstairs, Alexis was quickly dialing the number. She heard the beep and then a woman's voice spoke through the phone, “This is 9-1-1. Whats your emergency?”

Alexis swallowed hard. Suddenly fear and nervousness took hold as she stammered out hesitantly concentrating hard on the words. Fortunately, they came out this time, though rough and raspy, “T-there’s a b-boy with a k-knife..”

“Does he still have it? Are you alone?” The woman asked. Her voice was soothingly soft. She tried her best to calm the child so she could get as much information as she could.

Alexis felt her hands shaking, but her voice was much steadier as she managed to speak without stammering. Her face contorted in concentration, “No he doesn’t. Rosa knocked it out of his hand. No I’m not alone, there are other kids and Rosa.”

The woman let out a soft mhm and said, “Ok, can you give me your address and name please, sweetie?"

Alexis struggled to remember the address her eyes tightly closed. Pain marred her face as she struggled to say, “My name’s Alexis and I live at St. Lake’s Orphanage on East Roben Avenue.”

“Sweetie, you should keep by the phone and try to stay calm, ok? Keep the phone on, encase something should happen. Help will be there shortly.”

Alexis let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and whispered shakily, “Yes, ma’am.”

When she set the phone down Alexis felt dizzy and slid down to the ground. Sitting there, she thought about what had just transpired in the last few minutes. She couldn’t believe it. It was all too much to take in. Tears filled her eyes as she remembered what the boy had said.

“What were they talking about? Who were they talking about?” she thought out loud to herself. “Not me, of course.”
She sighed, knowing deep down that the truth had been laid out blatantly in front of her. To deny it would be childish...

‘She killed my father...’ Shaking, she tried to piece together who that boy’s father was. Images flashed through her mind, but one lay dominant. The eyes.

She could remember the black eyes. The eyes that haunted her. The boy, Steven, had the same. They held the same calculating, cold look as his father’s. Desperation clawed at her, as she tried to deny what she had done. Her heart ached from the grief, the pain she had caused someone else. The boy lost his father, and it was all her fault. Tears finally broke free and fell down her face. She buried it in her hands desperately.

As she sobbed, the minutes dragged on, and she came no more closer to admitting it had been her all along than the first minute she realized it. She tried desperately not to but her heart gave way and she felt guilt and she deserved something for what she did. Unable to help it she felt herself drowning in that horrible feeling.

She pressed her head against her knees, wrapping her arms around them. She waited for Rosa to come, as she felt suddenly even worse than before. Clutching her knees tightly to her chest, she peeked out over them and stared at the blocks that Rosa had used to teach her colors just the day before. She pushed the frightening experience out of her mind as there was a knock on the door. She tensed not knowing who it was.

But she was stronger than this, right? She pushed the guilt down and stood up. Going to the door slowly, she wiped her tears away and took a few deeps breath. As she moved to open the only piece that blocked her saviours, she hid her fears.

“It’s the Police. Please open up.” A man’s voice rang out, loud and sharp. She cringed but did as was told.

She winced when the flashlight hit her eyes which lead the officer’s to soften. He said, “Are you Alexis?”

She nodded and said, her voice shaking, “R-rosa is with him. H-he’s upstairs. Second door on the l-left.”

The officers nodded as they went into the house. One of them - a woman - stayed behind, and looked at her with a maternal concern, “Are you ok sweetie?”

Alexis tensed, her guard held in place as she muttered, “No I don’t feel good.”

The woman nodded and took her by the hand, not noticing Alexis’s scowl, to the kitchen where she said, “Why don’t you get something to drink and eat child?”

Whispering a soft "No thanks, ma'am," Alexis sat down at the table. She glanced up as Rosa came downstairs. Guilt crushed her heart when she saw Steven. The officers had cuffed the boy and lead him outside while the woman officer smiled down at Alexis, saying, “Try and take it easy okay, sweetie?”

Alexis muttered a soft okay. She was looking slightly sleepy as Rosa allowed the officers to leave. She turned saying, “Alexis sweetie, we go to the doctors tomorrow morning.”

Nodding, Alexis went into the dining room. She laid down on the couch and allowed herself to sleep; pushing out any thoughts of that guilt which locked itself away from view. Rosa went to check on the other children. She could still feel the anger she felt when she walked into Alexis's room.

'I hope he gets what he deserves for scaring her.' Rosa thought, darkly. She could imagine so many things she wished she had done to that teenager.

She noticed that the others were sleeping peacefully. Heading back downstairs, she paused right in front of Alexis's room. Opening the door, she looked inside, seeing that the bed was still messy. She began to make it out of habit. Something she tended to do when she was uncomfortable. If things were disorganized, then life itself becomes disorganized, so when ones fixes that disorganization, so must one fix their own lives. As she finished, she smoothed out most of the creases and began to leave. Closing the door behind her, she finished her walk downstairs.

Unfortunately, there was still much time left and not very many beds to make. So, in a desperate attempt at pushing out her own feelings, she pulled out a book and started to read. She was interrupted about half an hour later to several kids walking inside from school.

As she laid Alexis on the bed, she saw the girl wake. Alexis looked around and saw a package on the foot of the bed and with her sudden sensitivity to emotions, she could feel Rosa’s concern and worry. She pressed her hands against the package and could feel nothing but undying love and pride from whatever was inside.

Sensing the sudden arrival of others, Alexis opened her eyes. She was slightly disoriented but managed to give the other kids her age a small smile. One of the boys and girls walked up to her asking, “Hey do you wanna play with us?”

‘Will they mind if I join? I never had before..and I don’t know how to play the games they do...’ She thought as her hands nervously fiddled with her sleeve. She blushed as they looked at her with pleading eyes.

Alexis paused to glance at Rosa for consent. Rosa gave a small smile of encouragement before returning to her book. She could see Alexis nod enthusiastically and joined the others as they took off to some other room.

Alexis felt elated. They asked her to join them! Not someone else, her. Oh this was so exciting. She thought as she ran after them into the old dining room. She laughed when one of the kids remarked, “Hey so what to do you want to play?”

She stared wide eyed at the boy. Play? She didn’t know what they played...she spent too much time reading to be involved with whatever the others did. She frowned, What am I suppose to say? What if they don’t like me because I don’t know how to play?’ She thought to herself, completely lost. Dread began to creep its way through her thoughts as she gazed down at the floor.

One of the girls spoke up. She had deep green eyes and they took pity on Alexis who was looking dejected. “Hey I think she doesn’t know what we play. Ya know, since she loves her books.”

Alexis looked down at her feet, fully expecting them to laugh at her. All she got were murmurs of agreement and the girl spoke again, “I love books. You be good at imagining things, Alexis!”

Blushing, Alexis grinned at them. She hesitated in asking, “So does that mean you guys don’t mind? My reading books?”

One of the other boys smirked, his blue eyes piercing hers with an indifferent gaze. “Why should we? We see that you liking books makes you smart! Like how our playing sports makes us better at gym! Sides that’s no reason to be mean to someone. So how about we play tag?”

“Yeah! You’re the smartest kindergartner in your class. Who knows you might even get to go up a grade!!” One of the girls chimed in. She leaned against one of the walls and Alexis realized they may be older but they were more accepting than she thought.

Alexis felt her heart soar at the other kids’ acceptance. She shyly raised her hand when they voted. One of the girls took her by the arm, whispering in her ear, “You have to make sure you keep the one whose IT away from you. That way you don’t have to go running after the others. Its really fun!”

Alexis nodded, determined to do her best. Soon the game started and she felt herself letting go of her shell. She began to truly enjoy playing with the others despite being unsure of what to do. Laughing she felt the boy that had stood up for her, Ricky, tag her. Blushing she stopped suddenly at a lost of what to do..until one of the boys called out to her.

“Now you have to tag one of us, Alexis.” The boy was Matt if she could remember it right. He was standing a few feet in front of the kitchen and she smiled embarrassed at the sudden attention.

Rosa poked her head out from the door way commenting, “Just have fun you guys. Be sure not to run people over or break something. The younger children are upstairs asleep so try not to be too loud.”

Alexis smiled and turned to face the other kids. With an uncharacteristic enthusiastic grin she spoke, “Ok lets start playing again!” Soon all the kids were fleeing from her as she chased after.

There were many instances when their fun became a tad bit dangerous. During those times they received a firm warning from Rosa to settle down before continuing. The game last a few hours before supper interrupted them. Groans and complaints met Rosa’s ears as she placed plates of macaroni and cheese, and ham sandwiches in front of them.

They stopped, however, when the kids began eating. The three new friends, Ricky, Amber, the girl who had told Alexis the rules, and Alexis sat by each other, laughing and talking.

“I can’t believe you did that Alexis!” Amber chuckled, her hands gesturing in the air, as if her voice wasn’t enough to get her point out.

Alexis giggled and stared down at her lap, blushing, “I didn’t mean to! He was slow! I was running too fast, honest. I didn’t mean to knock him over!”

Rosa gave her a look, “I hope you apologized, young lady.”

Alexis winced, before grinning at her widely, “Of course I did, Ms. Rosa!! It would be mean otherwise!”

Rosa shook her head, before taking in the slight droop of the child’s shoulders and eyes. She was clearly exhausted and in her state it would be wise that she went to sleep. With a soft sigh she took the empty plates, remarking, “Alright kids off to bed.”

“No!!” Several horrified shouts greeted her ears. She turned and gave them a fierce glare. She spoke again, this time her tone booked no argument, “Bed. Now!!”
The eight kids scurried off in a rush. She smiled to herself as she went to throw the plates away. She rubbed her wrist slightly. Wincing in pain, she saw a small cut. With a frown of worry she muttered, “I don’t remember making that.”

Meanwhile Alexis was getting dressed in her pajamas. She thought back to the game of tag and smiled. She couldn’t resist a quiet laugh as she remembered knocking down the poor boy who had been slower. She was slow sure but he had been much slower. She paused in her moving to the bed to wonder, ‘I wonder if he won’t mind being my friend.’

Yawning, she decided to try that later in the morning. Moving to the bed she spotted a package laying in the center. It looked rather large, as if it held many things yet when she picked it up it was really light. She sat on the bed and searched for the from label. Looking at the label on top she saw the words that she thought impossible. She held the package as if it was a treasure from angels themselves. She curled up with it, determined to open it in the morning.
On the package the from address said;

Robert and Linda Angemon
505 North Wind Drive
Yaryaq, Ashar, 59443
Last edited by Soulkana on Fri May 06, 2011 4:23 pm, edited 10 times in total.
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




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YAY!!!! I LOVE IT!!! YOUR BEST WORK YET!!! <3 hehee... :)
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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Hahah Thanks for the review sis good luck on your writers block!!! hugs* love you
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Thanks. love ya too
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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of course you do haha Good Luck Qoh16
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Sniffs* :'( Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa




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O.o no crying brother eesh hugs* Hope you post more sooon
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Okay so its rather early in the morning and I still haven't downed at least three cups of coffee, so if this review isn't one of my better ones, sorry xD.

Grammar and Punctuation/Nit-Picks:

Her fingers wrapped around the blanket, clutching it tightly as she dreamt. Her eyelids fluttered quietly as she murmmered in her sleep.


Okay so here we have to 'as she' sections in both sentences. That creates a little bit of redundancy. What I would do if I were you is try and reword like maybe something on the lines of 'Her fngers wrapped around the hemline of her blanket, clutching it tightly as she dreamt. Her eyelids fluttered once in a while... etc'

She turned in her sleep, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she fell into an uneasy rest.


Spliced comma.

Rosa sat beside the bed, her eyes taking in the child’s pale skin, the slight flush to her cheeks, and began to think that the girl had caught a cold.


Run-on.

She gently smoothed the child’s thick black bone straight hair, out of her face.


You need a comma after 'thick' and 'black'. Also, get rid of the comma already there. Its not necessary.

She slid out of the bed, her face pale, as she tried to cool off.


Heres a little tip about commas.

When you have two commas in a sentence, its usually to break up one sentence by giving an inner thought, such as;

"I really, and in all honesty, wanted to go to the park."

Now the cool thing about this is that, if you take out the 'and in all honesty', it could still be a sentence on its own. Remember that when you put more then two comma into one sentence.

At that moment, Alexis’ eyes fluttered open.


You have a lot of redundancy here with your wording. Change the 'fluttered' as you had it in sentences prior, to something like 'peaked'.

“Hi sweetie. Do you feel okay?” Rosa asked with a smile of concern.


I understand what you mean by 'smile of concern' but it comes across as being very telling and not showing. A good thing to remember with writing is that you want to show the reader such things. Telling them means that you don't necessarily have a story at all but a relaying of events.

So maybe say somehing like 'Her lips turned up at the corners weakily; a sign of concern'

Let’s get you to your bed, then I will go call the doctor.”


Static dialogue. Because shes a child, usually children don't like the doctor so much. So change this to something a little softer like 'I'll go get you some help."

After she reassured the small child that she’d be right back, she hurried out to call the doctor.


If I remember distinctly, did she not fall back into unconsciousness? You don't need to have Rosa do anything of that general sort.

Alexis stared at the ceiling, thinking of nothing in particular. She was really wondering where Miss Rosa was, she was getting really hot.


Okay so here you contradict yourself. You say shes wondering about nothing in particular and then you quickly almost correct yourself by saying 'well actually...'

Stick to one Idea. Maybe have it 'Alexis stared atthe ceiling, her thoughts wandering to wherever Miss Rosa went. She was getting really hot.'

My correction up there also fixed the comma splice you had near the end of the sentence.

His eyes were cold as they stared at her, a twisted smile appeared on his face as he grew closer to her, taunting her.


This needs to be reworded.

"His eyes were cold as ice, staring at her with malice and disdain as a twisted smile appeared coolly along his cheeks. He drew closer to her, taunting her as he went."

he smiled eerily with a twisted smile pasted on his face.


You repeat yourself three times. Two here in the dialogue section with 'eerie and creepy smiles' and one up in the sentence before it with 'twisted'. You might want to think of something else to plug into this section.

Alexis’ eyes widened with terror, images of the stranger and her parents flashed before her eyes.


Spliced comma.

The boy in her room loved to see the fear, he fed off of it, and at that he roughly grabbed her throwing her to the ground.


Alright, so, when writing in second person, you never want to go with the 'I know everyones thoughts'. Maybe 'this chapter I'm in Rosa's mind' or 'Alexis' mind the next chapter' but you shouldn't try and deviate from that. Giving the aspects of everyones thoughts get confusing to readers.

That and this needs to be corrected. Heres an example that should fix up the thought processes;

"The boy loved to be the object of fear to anyone and everyone. She could tell by the listless look in his eyes as he roughly grabbed her before tossing her frail body against the ground."

Alexis in fear of her life she started to scream, screaming so loud it caused blood to curdle and glass to break.


Reword. Something on the lines of;

"Alexis, in fear for her life, started to scream. She screamed so loud it cause blood to curdle and glass to break."

The glint in his eye was unmistakable, his intent to kill the young child, infuriated Rosa.


Firstly, any intent to kill should be a severe cause of alert and anyone would initially be infuriated. You might want to deliberate on the shock factor and such things like that.

She did something that Alexis had never seen her do in her five years on this Earth<-----I thought she just met Rosa. This exaggeration is a bit too extreme. Rosa moved fast, grabbing the young man’s arm tightly, before pulling him off the frail girl. It looked like, to Alexis, that she was going to throw him out of the window. When in actuality, she slammed him to the floor causing him to make the knife drop out of his hand. It clattered against the floor, her eyes blazing with fury as she glared at him, hissing, “Why did you try to hurt her? Why did you attack my child!?”


Okay so, anything in red, I reworded for you. Anything in blue is personal opinions of what I think you should change.

“HE WAS MY FATHER. HE WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD LEFT IN THIS WORLD!!”


Ugh, all caps.... you might want to change this.

Alexis stared at her blankly, her eyes full of caution, but slowly a glimmer of trust entered her eyes, and she nodded.


Whose eyes were there a glimmer of trust? If she intially has caution, it shouldn't just change so quickly. There should always be meaning. That and you repeat the word 'eyes' twice. Change that.

Alexis swallowed hard, sudden fear and nervousness took hold as she stammered out hesitantly concentrating hard on the words, still the words came out rough and raspy,


Two spliced commas.

Alexis struggled to remember the address, her eyes tightly closed, pain marred her face as she struggled to say,


The second comma is spliced.

“Sweetie you should stay by the phone and try and stay calm ok?


Change the second stay to 'keep'.

Oh, and a comma behind calm.

And one behind Sweetie.

She pressed her head against her knees, wrapping her arms around them, waiting for Rosa to come as she felt suddenly even worse than before. Clutching her knees tightly to her chest, she peeked out over her knees <-- third time you use knees in one paragraph. Reword. and stared at the blocks that Rosa had used to teach her colors just the day before. She pushed the frightening experience out of her mind as there was a knock on the door. She tensed not knowing who it was.


She winced as the flashlight hit her eyes, and the officer’s eyes softened as he said,


Yo repeat 'eyes' twice.

“Rosa is with him. He’s upstairs and second door on the left.”


Consistency. Should this not be slightly stuttered?

Whispering a soft Okay, Alexis opened the fridge and pulled out a blueberry yogurt and a jug of orange juice. She took a cup, and pulled out the small red latter from its hiding spot and climbed it to grab a cup. As she poured the orange juice Rosa came downstairs, the officers had the boy cuffed and lead him outside and the woman officer smiled down at Alexis saying, “Try and take it easy okay sweetie?”


A lot of bad just happened. I highly doubt anyone would have felt like eating.

That and there shuld be a comma after juice and the comma after downstairs should be a period. Put 'had' behind 'cuffed and'. Change the second and behind outside to 'while' or 'whilst'.

“Alexis sweetie, we need to go to the doctors now.”


Well that was quick?

Alexis turned and stared out the window, a tear slid down her face as she whispered, her voice sounding broken, “Yes..”


The first comma is spliced.

Alexis went still, her face turned blank, void of any emotion. Finally she spoke the words that seemed to hold to much pain for such a small child, “Why didn’t you come see us?”


....? This girls parents are dead. She just found out that someone is still in her life. I would be happier than ever. Not disappointed and sad.

its not safe for such a young girl such as you, to know such things.


You repeat the word 'such' three times in this sentence. Reword.

She slipped the mask in place, holding back her tears as they parked in the parking lot of the hospital.


Shes a child. What mask could there be?

whose face was pale, sweat was slipping down her face.


Comma splice.

Rosa followed him into a small hospital exam room, as he laid her on the exam table.


You should specify her. It almost feels like he's laying Rosa on the table xD.

Frowning he noticed her fever was at 102ºF and her breathing was very ragged and uneven.


Comma behind frowning.

Alexis grinned, her eyes seemed to light up as she said, her voice soft, and quiet, “I don’t play pranks, sir, I like to read.”


This part is cute! The first comma is spliced, though. That and the second comma in the dialogue is also spliced.

Laughing the doctor ruffled her hair and said, his eyes twinkling with amusement,


You have tons and tons of descriptions towards sparkling eyes throughout this piece. So much so that it gets redundant. Read over it and try to change that up.

Saying good bye to the doctor, she pulled Alexis to her, to keep her warm,


She has a fever. She doesn't need to be kept warm.

Alexis leaned her head against the window, the cold glass, working wonders for the fever.


Second comma not needed.

She glanced at Alexis who was still sleeping and got out of the car and went to Alexis’ side.


You repeat Alexis' name twice. Maybe change it to 'her' or 'the small child' or something of that general sort.

Unbuckling the child again, she carried her into the house and up to the room. As she laid Alexis on the bed, she saw Alexis wake. She looked around and saw a package on the foot of the bed, and with her sudden sensitivity to emotions, she could feel Rosa’s concern and worry. She pressed her hands against the package and could feel nothing but undying love and pride from whatever was inside.


This is a whole paragraph of telling. Not a lot of showing. You might want to try and give a more interesting feel to this section then just a 'This happened. This happened. That happened. This happened.' It gets redundant.

And thats all for this section!

Setting and Description:

Compared to the last chapter, you started to lack in this section. Lots of repeated words and repeated sentiments that could easily be something more interesting to the eye and ear. I'd love to see some more similies and metaphors like in your first chapter. That and I still want to get to know a little more about where she is seeing as there were no new descriptions about the place she lived. There was a lot of 'action action action' but not a lot of emotion and description.

So if anything, this chapter needs a bit of work fleshing it out.

Plot:

So much is going on in such a short time.Sometimes that can be seen as a good thing, but most of the time, it tends to be a little too much.

You have some really interesting parts in here you could have easily deliberated on, like the boy putting a knife to her neck. It was almost monotonous, the emotions they all displayed. You could play with so much in that section that I was a little surprised it turned out to be only a couple paragraphs long.

So if I were you, I'd cut down on the telling telling telling and start fleshing out that one section.

Character Developement:

This chapter held even less emotion than the first, and a lot happened! You could easily talk about how scared she was, or desperate she felt to get away. You could speak of how Rosa was in absolute shock. Right now we have very inhuman emotions which I think could easily be fixed if you fleshed this chapter out a little better.

That being said, first make your corrections, and then attempt to flesh it out. This is a first draft after all.

Overall:

I'm starting to get a little bit of a Harry Potter feel from this piece xD. Which isn't a bad thing, as long as you make sure this piece is distinctly yours with plotlines that are also distinctly yours.

So keep writing and I'll keep reviewing!
~Walker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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Wow sis that is really really good (:




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Alexis slept deeply, her breath short, her chest rising and falling slowly. Her fingers wrapped around the blanket, clutching it tightly as she dreamt. Her eyelids fluttered quietly as she murmmered murmured in her sleep. It was one of those things she had done since she was an infant. She turned in her sleep, a soft sigh escaping her lips as she fell back into an uneasy rest.

Rosa sat beside the bed, her eyes taking in the child’s pale skin, the slight flush to her cheeks, and began to think that the girl had caught a cold. She gently smoothed the child’s thick black bone straight hair thick black bone straight doesn‘t really make sense to me, and is an overload of description. It‘s good to describe, it should be done all the time, but be sure to sprinkle information out over the story, and not bundle it all up in one place. You‘d be ok with thick black hair that was straight, but the bone part kind of pushes it over the edge for me, out of her face. At that moment, Alexis’ eyes fluttered open. She slid out of the bed, her face pale, as she tried to cool off.

“Hi comma sweetie. Do you feel okay?” Rosa asked with a smile of concern.

“No. I don’t feel good. I feel sick.”

“Okay. Let’s get you to your bed, then I will go call the doctor.”

“Okay. comma” Alexis whispered, quietly falling back into unconsciousness.

Carrying the child to the bed, she made sure not to have the blanket cover her too much, knowing that the fever was making her too hot. After she reassured the small child that she’d be right back, she hurried out to call the doctor.

Alexis stared at the ceiling, thinking of nothing in particular. She was really wondering where Miss Rosa was, and she was getting really hot. Kicking off the blanket she tried desperately to get up, to find her, when the door opened, and one of the teenagers from before came in this sentence, and even the previous one, sound awkwardly phrased. You try to string several thoughts together at once when they don‘t really work. Instead, you should try breaking it up more into complete sentences. Example: Alexis decided she had waited long enough and kicked at the blanket with her legs until she was finally free. Just as she stood up, the door squeaked open and a teenager entered the room. Does that kind of make sense? . His eyes were cold as they stared at her, a twisted smile appeared appearing, since you use ’grew’ later on in the sentence on his face as he grew closer to her, taunting her.

“Aw. Look at little Alexis. Shes She’s sick in bed. ” he He smiled eerily with a twisted smile pasted on his face. “Let me help you get better sweetie. comma” he said sarcastically as he reached to grab her arm, pulling her out of the bed. Oh, I thought she was already out of the bed.

Alexis’ eyes widened with terror, it should be a semicolon or period here images of the stranger and her parents flashed before her eyes. The boy in her room loved to see the fear, he fed off of it, and at that he roughly grabbed her throwing her to the ground. Alexis in fear of her life she started to scream, screaming so loud it caused blood to curdle and glass to break I doubt it actually caused blood to curdle, so make it sound like more of an expression than a statement. . It also alerted Rosa who was downstairs, just finishing her call with the doctor.

Rushing and taking two stairs at a time, Rosa bursts into the room just in time to see Alexis being held down with a knife to her throat by the boy. The glint in his eye was unmistakable, period his intent to kill the young child, no comma infuriated Rosa. If he was so intent on killing her, he could’ve had the knife cut her throat in an instant. Why the hesitation?

She did something that Alexis had never seen her do in her five years on this Earth. Rosa moved fast, grabbing the young man’s arm tightly, and pulled him off of her, and it looked like to Alexis that she was going to throw him out of the window. When in actuality, she slammed him to the floor causing him to make the knife drop out of his hand and clattered clatter (watch your tenses! You keep switching them and it makes it very confusing) to the floor, her eyes blazing with fury as she glared at him, hissing, “Why did you try to hurt her? Why did you attacked attack (again, watch know what tense you are in) my child!?”

The boy gazed at her, his eyes glazed and unfocused. He seemed disorientated for a few minutes before focusing on her. His face turned from confusion to rage within seconds, hollering, “She’s a Angemon!!! She hurt my father!!!”

Rosa’s eyes flashed dangerously as she hissed, her voice low and threatening, “What does that have to do with ANYTHING?! She’s only FIVE damn it!”

The teen glared at Rosa snapping, “HE WAS MY FATHER. HE WAS THE ONLY THING I HAD LEFT IN THIS WORLD!!” I’ve already told you what I thought about the caps, so I’m not going to repeat myself anymore. Whenever you have caps, assume that I don’t agree with it.

Alexis watched all this from a corner she had fled to and huddled in. Her eyes were filled with tears of fear, as she whispered, “I didn’t do anything!”

Rosa held the boy down tightly, as she turned to glance at the child, seeing the fear in her eyes she said soothingly, “Of course you didn’t comma (another thing I had to correct multiple times for you) Alexis. How about you go dial 9-1-1 and tell them to come here please?”

Alexis stared at her blankly, her eyes full of caution, but slowly a glimmer of trust entered her eyes, and she nodded. Quickly she hurried out of the room, as fast as her little legs could take her to the kitchen where the phone was.

Quickly dialing the number she heard the beep and a woman voice spoke through the phone, “This is 9-1-1 what’s your emergency?”

Alexis swallowed hard, sudden fear and nervousness took hold as she stammered out hesitantly concentrating hard on the words, still the words came out rough and raspy, “T-there’s a b-boy with a k-knife..”

“Does he still have it? Are you alone?” The woman asked, her voice was soothing, soft. She tried her best to calm the child so she could get as much information as she could.

Alexis felt her hands shaking, but her voice was much steadier as she managed to speak without stammering, her face contorted in concentration, “No he doesn’t Rosa knocked it out of his hand. No I’m not alone, there are other kids and Rosa.”

The woman let out a soft mhm and said, “Ok, can you give me your address and name please sweetie?:

Alexis struggled to remember the address, her eyes tightly closed, pain marred her face as she struggled to say, “My name’s Alexis and I live at St. Lake’s Orphanage on East Roben Avenue.”

“Sweetie you should stay by the phone and try and stay calm ok? Help will be there shortly.”

Alexis let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding and whispered shakily, “Yes, ma’am.”

When she hung up, Alexis felt dizzy and slid down to the ground Usually, the person would ask the child not to hang up, and keep them on the line in case anything happens. She is just a kid after all, and you can‘t just hang up on them and assume someone else is there. . Sitting on the ground, Alexis sat Just take this first part ‘Sitting on the ground, Alexis sat.‘ Do you see you’re repeating yourself? It just sounds funny. Read your story carefully and watch for little slip ups like that. and thought about what just had transpired in the last few minutes. She couldn’t believe it. It was all too much to take in.

“What were they talking about? Who were they talking about?” she thought out loud to herself.

“Not me comma of course.” she sighed, knowing deep down that she was the one they had talked about.

She pressed her head against her knees, wrapping her arms around them around her knees, waiting for Rosa to come, feeling suddenly even worse than before. Clutching her knees tightly to her chest she peeked out over her knees the repetition of ‘knees’ is very distracting. Can you find another way to phrase it? and stared at the blocks that Rosa had used to teach her colors just the day before. She pushed the frightening experience out of her mind as there was a knock on the door, she tensed not knowing who it was.

“It’s the Police please open up.” A man’s voice rang out, loud and sharp. She cringed but stood up and walked to open the door.

She winced as the flashlight hit her eyes, and the officer’s eyes softened as he said, “Are you Alexis?”

She nodded and said, “Rosa is with him. He’s upstairs and second door on the left.”

The officers nodded as they went into the house, one of them, a woman, stayed behind, and looked at her with concern, “Are you ok sweetie?”

Alexis tensed, her guard held in place as she muttered, “No I don’t feel good.”

The woman nodded and took her by the hand, not noticing Alexis’s scowl, to the kitchen where she said, “Why don’t you get something to drink and eat child?”

Whispering a soft Okay, Alexis opened the fridge and pulled out a blueberry yogurt and a jug of orange juice. She took a cup, and pulled out the small red latter ladder from its hiding spot and climbed it to grab a cup. As she poured the orange juice Rosa came downstairs, the officers had the boy cuffed and lead him outside and the woman officer smiled down at Alexis saying, “Try and take it easy okay sweetie?”

Alexis muttered a soft okay before finishing the orange juice, looking slightly sleepy as Rosa allowed the officers to leave, before turning and saying, “Alexis sweetie, we need to go to the doctors now.”

Alexis sighed, not wanting to move, feeling to too tired but nodded. She was almost completely taken over by shock I thought you said she was tired? Now she’s being completely overtaken by shock? when Rosa picked her up, and carried her to the car. As she leaned over to buckle her she could feel the heat running off the poor child and made the decision to get there as fast as she could.

She got into the car and started the ignition. As she pulled out into the street and began the 5 minute drive to the hospital she asked softly, “Alexis is your last name really Angemon?”

Alexis turned and stared out the window, a tear slid down her face as she whispered, her voice sounding broken, “Yes..”

Rosa’s eyes turned tearful as she whispered, “Then you are the child of Robert and Linda Angemon. And my goddaughter.”

Alexis went still, her face turned blank, void of any emotion. Finally she spoke the words that seemed to hold to much pain for such a small child, “Why didn’t you come see us?”

Rosa felt tears fill her eyes as she whispered, her voice soft and comforting, “Your parents were in hiding comma child. I was to be your guardian should anything happen to them. I can’t explain who they were hiding from yet child, its not safe for such a young girl such as you, to know such things. I will tell you when you get accepted into The Magical Academy.” why does she keep saying child? It doesn’t seem like a normal way to talk.

Alexis was silent before whispering, “Thank you, ma’am.” She was thinking of the many things her parents did that seemed odd, different from other people. Like the runes her mother had cast before she died, period (make sure you separate different thoughts. She was reminded of how strange her parents were, a particular memory being the casting of those runes. At the thought, tears spilled down her cheeks. Don’t cram them all into one sentence.) tears spilled down the child’s flushed cheeks. She watched the scenery go by as the silence stretched on for a few minutes. Both were lost in thought, remembering things that held very many many what? Where did this sentence go?

She slipped the mask in place what mask?, holding back her tears as they parked in the parking lot of the hospital. Parked in the parking lot? Where else would they park? Just say she had to hold back her tears as their car stopped in front of the hospital.

Rosa got out and unbuckled her seat belt and picked the child up into arms, shifting her slightly so she could carry her more easily. Walking into the hospital, Rosa demanded to see Dr. Karasu. The nurse quickly rushed down the corridor to the back, walking up to intercom she didn’t notice the strange man moving quickly away.

“Paging Dr. Karasu.” she said in a rush. Glancing at the child in Rosa’s arms, whose face was pale, sweat was slipping down her face. Who’s face was pale and sweat dripping.

A young man appeared, walking out of the E.R. He had a gravity about him as he walked into a room. All eyes turned from what they were doing to glance at him. He gently took Alexis from Rosa’s arms and said, “Follow me.”

Rosa followed him into a small hospital exam room, as he laid her on the exam table. He pulled on some latex gloves and began to check her temperature and breathing. Frowning he noticed her fever was at 102ºF and her breathing was very ragged and uneven. He gently examined her neck, and chest, before asking her to open her mouth.

As he examined her throat he said, “I believe she has caught the flu. I’ll give you a prescriptions for antibiotics that you need to give her one 3 times a day, preferably after she eats. You should make sure she gets plenty of liquids and rest. If her fever doesn’t break or rises in the next two days bring her back.”

Rosa nodded as the doctor filled out the prescription slip and said, “Thank you, Doctor.”

The doctor smiled, his brown eyes sparkling, as he said, “It’s okay,” smiling at Alexis who looked at him, eyes wide with awe and curiosity and told her, “ You take it easy now child. No running around playing pranks on other kids.”

Alexis grinned, her eyes seemed to light up as she said, her voice soft, and quiet, “I don’t play pranks, sir, I like to read.”

Laughing the doctor ruffled her hair and said, his eyes twinkling with amusement, “I’m sure you do. Well I can’t say no to such a knowledge hungry child. Just read as you can but if you get tired or get a headache, stop and rest, okay? Can you do that for me?”

Alexis beamed, her smile seemed to lighten the doctor’s mood as she said, “Of course I can!! I’m big!!”

Rosa chuckled as she picked up the child, and said, “Yes well all big girls need sleep. So it’s best we go home. I’ll get the antibiotics tomorrow morning before you wake.”

Saying good bye to the doctor, she pulled Alexis to her, to keep her warm, as she went out. As they got into the car, Alexis muttered weakly, “Do you think Mommy and Daddy are looking over me?”

Rosa pulled out of the parking lot and answered, “I’m sure they are child. They must be so proud of you just like I am.”

Alexis leaned her head against the window, the cold glass, working wonders for the fever. She muttered, “Thank you, ma’am.” She closed her eyes, and drifted asleep.

Rosa watched the traffic carefully and when she reached the end of the road she turned left and pulled into the driveway of the Orphanage. She glanced at Alexis who was still sleeping and got out of the car and went to Alexis’ side.

Unbuckling the child again, she carried her into the house and up to the room. As she laid Alexis on the bed, she saw Alexis wake. She looked around and saw a package on the foot of the bed, and with her sudden sensitivity to emotions, she could feel Rosa’s concern and worry. She pressed her hands against the package and could feel nothing but undying love and pride from whatever was inside.

Looking at the label on top she saw the words that she thought impossible. She held the package as if it was a treasure from angels themselves. She curled up with the package, determined to open it in the morning.

On the package the from address said;

Robert and Linda Angemon
505 North Wind Drive
Yaryaq, Ashar, 59443


I this you should re-edit this. Also, it kind of ended abruptly.
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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I read it. Awesome job, Soulkana! The story's definitely taking shape.

I could nitpick on this, but I'll leave that for others. Let me just say that there were some awkward wordings here and there, and about twice as many commas as you needed- just go through and delete as many commas as you can. The wording problem will go away eventually- just be more conscience of skewed phrasing, fragments, superfluous words, and ambiguity, etc. Overall, it was decent as far as grammar goes, though I can tell it's not your strong point.

Grammar is nothing, though, compared to pace. I love your characters and I love your plot, but this chapters pace was speedy. It was like- here's Alexis, then a teenager has a knife against her throat, then she calls the police and Rosa saves her, then they're going to the hospital and Alexis finds out that Rosa's her godmother and that she's gonna go to a magic school and that her parents were in hiding from something, then she finds out that her parents are alive. At the end, I was like... what the-

The problem here is that you packed this chapter with way too much information moving with an insane pace. I understand that this is the turning point of your novel, but you really need to triple the size of it and build carefully on each piece of information so that the reader will be affected by it (instead of "Woah, I've been hit by a ton of bricks").

I'm taking a liking to the plot, and I'll totally read more. The character Alexis is steadily becoming more interesting, and the story is amazing. Is there anything inherently wrong with it? No. It's just that you moved way too fast and packed too much info in this chapter. Try to lengthen it and separate it appropriately.




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Thanks for the review formslipper. You're right grammar is something I sorely lack in....no matter how hard I work on it, never comes out easier. I have always had the making things too fast part problem as well..its far better than many years ago still I'll try and edit this later on...add more details and things. Either way thanks for the review and I'll edit this all when I have finished editing the rest.
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Alexis is only five? Or have I gotten confused between characters?

The way she acts and responds makes her seem much, much older. I think it might be better for her starting age to be older, or for you to express or develop her character more so that it is more obvious. Maybe you could mention her height, or a certain ritual in the home that you have to be, say, over six years old to take part in.

Also, wasn't she quite withdrawn before? She seems to have burst out of that little shell of hers almost unnaturally fast, it seems a little plot driven rather than to do with her actual character. If she doesn't trust anyone, then why is she contacting the police? It just doesn't seem to fit.

Apart from that, the plot itself is developing well. Just slow down and take a bit more time bridging the gaps from one thing to another, rather than jumping straight from point to point.

Next up, chapter three.
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Ehh I meant her to seem older; not sure if I did it right or not. Hmm Thanks for the review and I'll try my best x.x Not sure how well it'll turn out but I'll try to work on it thanks for the review Tenyo I shall take your words and see if I can fix it
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.



Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads.
— Marianne Moore