Jackie Dear

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12380
Reviews 64
Spoiler
This is the first I've written or posted something in a while. It's just an excerpt from my story, so don't expect to fully understand the context or get more background (though it should stand alone as a scene). I'm mostly posting this because I'm uncomfortable with constructing scenes that aren't centered around dialogue. I'm not used to writing a lot of descriptive prose, but not all scenes can rely on dialogue and I need to learn to make those scenes just as engaging. So please help me out with my prose or with any other comments you may have. :)



Jacqueline walked through the open doorway of the study.

Her eyes scoured the room, thinking it empty as it had first seemed, until she caught sight of two motionless figures seated in armchairs near a corner. Adele was the first, her profile resembling some Grecian statue until she turned her head to Jacqueline. Her stoic expression did not change, and her dark eyes seemed to burn into Jacqueline's core.

About fifteen yards stood between them. Jacqueline, not unused to the look, merely took it in for a second before turning her attention to the second figure.

It was a tribute to Adele's presence that Jacqueline's focus came to Adele first, especially considering Rose's figure was facing her.

Rose sat just as lifeless as Adele, but with a very different type of eeriness. Her dress lay perfect and straight down her body, and her arms lay primly on the sides of the chair. Her head rested on the high-backed chair, titled upward toward the ceiling.

Her blond hair, however, was strewn across her face, strands stuck sweatily to her pale forehead and cheekbones. The dark red circle of a bullethole skewed her forehead. Streams of blood ran down her face from the hole and stuck to wisps of matted hair. Her eyes remained open as she stared, unseeing, to the ceiling.

Jacqueline's jaw dropped, and her attention turned back to Adele. Stoic as ever, she stared back, her lips turning upward in a slight smile at Jacqueline's expression.

Jacqueline resumed an impassive expression and reassessed the scene. The two young women sat in velvet green, high-backed armchairs, some distance from herself across the room. Their two chairs bordered a low, wooden table on which a pistol still laid. Both figures sat just as quiet, just as still as when Jacqueline had first walked in.

Adele, seated next to Rose's dead body, for all respects even imitating the corpse's pose. Rose, who had not even been supposed to die. Adele, sitting there, motionless and calculating. The two of them sitting there together, in some sort of demented harmony. The spacious, pristinely neat room. The air, pounding down on Jacqueline's head.

She took a breath. She knew Adele would not enact this scene just to disturb her. Adele had to wait for her in this room, and how else would she wait other than stoic, and why would she ever be inconvenienced to change her seat. Still, the scene was unnerving, as was her burning question of who had shot the woman: Adele or one of the other two. But she supposed it did not matter.

Adele continued looking at her, waiting. Jacqueline internally shook her head and spoke.

“Mathieu is ready. He has a car waiting in the street.” She prided herself on the calmness of her voice, but the sound still seemed to shatter the empty room.


“Good.” Adele's voice was cold and smooth, somehow fitting perfectly into the room in which Jacqueline felt so out of place. She rose from her armchair and walked over to Rose's body.


Standing over Rose's seated body, she paused, and Jacqueline caught her breath.

Adele slowly bent down, her hand extended out to Rose's face. She touched her cheekbone first, as if curious. Then, tenderly, she swept all the hair out of her face and wiped away some of the blood. She then stood up a little and looked down at the body as if examining her handiwork. With a final touch, she bent back down to gently smooth the top of Rose's head. Her bloody hands left a red trail across the lifeless blond hair.

She turned away from the body then with a subtle air of finality. Rose Leburn was no longer of consequence, and no thoughts would be attributed to her.

The air pounded down on Jacqueline and the room started shaking. She wished for a clear head above anything. Things were picking up, and she could barely stand straight.

Adele walked slowly toward her and Jacqueline had to force her feet to remain rooted. It would be stupidity to fear a girl she had spent almost her entire life with, a woman who depended on her more than either on of them could probably articulate.

Adele stopped within arm's length of her and Jacqueline raised her eyes. Adele stared down at her with a familiar glint.

“Will you be okay, Jackie dear, or will you need a moment to cry?”

The words were quiet and sickly sweet. She breathed them down on Jacqueline, who looked up into her cold, calculating face.

“I'm fine.”

“Good,” Adele said, their gazes still locked. “We've no time for weakness.”

Jacqueline swallowed. Adele, however, broke the gaze. Her expression softened as she turned her eyes instead to Jacqueline's fair hair, giving Jacqueline a chance to examine her. Her face was pale and beautiful as ever. Her hair and eyes were just as dark, magnified against the sharp contrast of her skin. But a sort of energy and power seemed now to be confined in her which radiated from her at her will.

Adele lifted a hand to her, focusing Jacqueline's attention back to the present. Her expression unreadable, she smoothed the top of Jacqueline's hair, her touch soft.

Slowly, she withdrew her hand and stared once more at Jacqueline.

“Besides, emotions will inhibit you.” Her voice was still cold, still seemed like an integral part of the room itself, as if the walls or velvet green armchairs had instead uttered the words.

Jacqueline looked once more into the glint of her eyes until Adele turned from her. She heard the footsteps as Adele walked behind her, across the room, and out the door from which she had entered.

But her own feet remained rooted in the center of the room. She stood there for a long moment, breathing deeply, before turning to leave. As she neared the door she caught sight of her own reflection in an ornate sliver mirror, and she paused.

Her eyes followed the trail of red that Adele's touch had left on her blond hair. She heard a whimper, and she saw her mouth move, as she stood alone in the empty room.


After a while Jacqueline collected herself, and she followed Adele out to the car.



.
Last edited by Attolia on Wed Apr 06, 2011 8:15 am, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30301
Reviews 770
Wow, I loved this!

Whatever fear you have, lay them to rest! This piece was brilliant, I assure you.

The only nitpick I would have, and it's just a slight one, is having Jackie shudder or something when Adele pats her hair, because she just did the same thing to Rose. Maybe she wants to shy away from the woman's touch?

I really enjoyed this. Without telling, you showed us the relationship between these women, and the atmosphere in the house. Thank you very much for this read.

Also, if you would ask Azila for a review, she's brilliant at prose.

Tanya :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 49345
Reviews 547
Hi there!

Wow this is amazing! I'd imagine your dialogue scenes are great because you're more comfortable with them, but standing alone this was a very riveting piece.

Quotes 'N' Comments

Her eyes scoured the room, thinking it empty as it had first seemed,


Sometimes your narration gets a little awkward, and this is one of those times (the underlined passage). I think here you tried to narrate in a more sophisticated voice, but it really didn't work. I think it should just be simple, but I'm not really sure what to put as an example because it doesn't really make sense to me at all.

Jacqueline, not unused to the look, merely took it in for a second before turning her attention to the second figure.


I don't think 'not unused' is grammatically correct. It's like a double-negative. You'd use it like this "She was unused to the fact that her dog wasn't around to play with." To say what you have, you'd simply say: "used to the look."

other than stoic,


You use 'stoic' twice in this passage. It's alright to repeat words, however you don't want to repeat them this close together, or else people will notice. ^^

Characters

I don't know how far into this novel is, but I don't have to read the rest of the novel to tell you that none of your characters really stick out. They're all that normal type of character, soft and mysterious. However people aren't like that. There are a lot of goofy, shy, happy people out there that you also have to include in this. One of the number one things I see on here is that writers don't focus enough on their characters, which is really important. I recommend working on a character sheet. You can find one by googling 'character sheet.'

Overall

I can't comment on plot because I don't really know what's going on, but I can't stress enough the comments I made about your characters. Work on it and your writing should be superb!

Keep writing,

Classy




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7241
Reviews 721
Hi! Thanks for the request (and thanks to Tanya for recommencing me!).

I'm not going to do any grammatical nit-picky stuff, because you seem to be pretty strong in that regard, and captain.classy has already pointed out a few things. But I would like to just warn you about repetition. It's not really all that bad, so I can't find any really good examples to quote, but you need to watch out for repeated words. If you use the same word to describe something in two subsequent sentences, it can get a little distracting--especially if you do it a lot. Also, if there is something that you mention in several different places throughout the piece, and you use the same word each time, that's not good either. Just watch out for it, because it can make your writing a little flat.

That said, I really like this piece! Descriptive prose is right up my alley, and you've done a beautiful job with it. I like that even though this doesn't have much actual dialogue in it, there are a lot of unspoken words between the characters--little interactions that are no more than glances but can speak so much. I also love the way you describe Rose. I know she's dead, but it's almost as if I don't want to acknowledge it since you describe her with similar techniques to how you describe Adele, who is alive... I can't really describe it, but you did good. You did excellently with creating a mood, as well. I really got the sense of eeriness and stiffness and suppressed emotion. That's not easy to do, so congratulations on doing it so well! I want to read your longer story now because, as classy said, if this kind of writing isn't your strong point then I can't imagine how good your strong point must be! :O Nicely done.

My main problem with this piece is that it feels a little tentative. You have some moments where you have some really beautiful, poetic moments like for instance when you describe Adele's voice as being part of the room. That was gorgeous and really effective, I think--it was abstract but still gave me a very clear image in my head. It sort of reminds me of Markus Zusak's The Book Thief. Have you read it? That's some beautiful prose right there. Anyhow, I think you can use to do more of that. Let yourself get a little carried away with the descriptions--especially descriptions of emotions--and have fun with it. The way it's written now feels a little too plot-oriented, which is confusing to read because there really isn't much plot here. Don't be afraid to make the descriptions take over, because that's what this piece is about.

I'd also like to see more reaction from Jacqueline. I know she's trying to hide her emotions (I'm not sure why, but I assume that if I was reading the full story I would), but since we're sort of inside her head with this piece, I'd like to see more of the emotions before she hides them. This will help your readers get to know her, which would help with what captain.classy brought up about making your characters more real. It would also help with what borntobeawriter said (and I totally agree with) about making her reaction to the blood more strong. The bit where she looks in the mirror was good, but I felt like it was just the tip of the iceberg as for what Jacqueline could be feeling.

Also, I know we don't really know the full story--but I want to know what Jacqueline's expectations were. Did she expect to find a dead person? Did she expect to see a dead person but not know that it was going to be Rose? Did she know Rose? These are things I should be able to tell just from reading the scene, without any previous knowledge at all, because your reaction to finding a dead friend when you weren't expecting death at all would be very different than your reaction to finding a dead stranger if dealing with dead people is your job. Does that make any sense?

Anyhow, very good work here. I enjoyed reading it and I am quite intrigued to see your writing at its best, if this was your writing at its weakest. If you post more, let me know, eh?

Please please please PM me or post on my wall if you want to discuss anything I've said or if you have any questions. Or, heck, if you just want to chat! :}

a




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 62375
Reviews 315
Attolia,

I remember this.

God, it feels just like yesterday I was looking over chapter one, and two, and three...and I'm not sure where you ended on here. And you're as charged as you've always been. There is electricity in here; something I can say for so few of the works I read on this site. There is sustained electricity, sustained at the same level, of all things -- little up-down variation. Instead of what I am accustomed to, in literature, art, poetry -- a constant flux of emotion driving a piece, adding to each turning point, providing the reason for continued reading -- I see here an emotional standstill; a trap.

You have become rather accomplished at entrapment.

You know what you're doing. Some minor edits to make / general comments:

Jacqueline walked through the open doorway of the study.

Her eyes scoured the room, thinking it empty as it had first seemed, until she caught sight of two motionless figures seated in armchairs near a corner. Adele was the first, her profile resembling some Grecian statue until she turned her head to Jacqueline. Her stoic expression did not change, and her dark eyes seemed to burn into Jacqueline's core.


First line is great. The separation of the line from the rest is great. But 'dark eyes seemed to burn into Jacqueline's core' ruined it, ruined the cold drama we had set up. This is one of the places where your tightness collapses entirely -- on the cliche of 'dark eyes burning into a core.' I've seen it before. You've heard it before. Many times. Surely there's a different way to evoke that.

Attolia wrote:Her blond hair, however, was strewn across her face, strands stuck sweatily to her pale forehead and cheekbones. The dark red circle of a bullethole skewed her forehead. Streams of blood ran down her face from the hole and stuck to wisps of matted hair. Her eyes remained open as she stared, unseeing, to the ceiling.


This is not a fully-hearted suggestion; only what I feel like doing at the moment, and you are free to ignore it or use it more as you wish: I want to destroy everything but the most required words in each sentence. My reason: I want to accelerate the drama.

I'll show you what I mean by using the necessary transition from the previous paragraph's line:

Her head rested on the high-backed chair, titled upward toward the ceiling.

But there was her hair, blond, strewn across her face. The strands on her pale forehead, her cheekbones. The bullethole in her forehead. Blood running down her face. Open eyes.


(you don't need 'ceiling' because you've already said it once)

Also, remind me why this is in past tense? Wouldn't present heighten the immediacy?

Jacqueline's jaw dropped


No. I've seen this before, thousands of times. Try, 'Jacqueline's jaw loosens' or 'her lips part' or something far more subtle. You can't afford to destroy your atmosphere with lines as obvious as these.

Adele, seated next to Rose's dead body, for all respects even imitating the corpse's pose. Rose, who had not even been supposed to die. Adele, sitting there, motionless and calculating. The two of them sitting there together, in some sort of demented harmony. The spacious, pristinely neat room. The air, pounding down on Jacqueline's head.


This was great, until we got to the weirdness of 'demented harmony.' Sometimes, strange imagery is good. Sometimes, it fails -- it's too strange. I'm telling you this is too odd. Also, the last line about air seems overbaked. Tone it down. We get it. We get the drama -- you've set it up so well in your first line, and sustained it so strongly in the rest of the piece, that you don't really need to say it in words. It's there. It's implicit, in the tone of the piece, the pacing, the flow, the manner, even the paragraph breaks.

burning question


Same problem of being too cliche.

“Mathieu is ready. He has a car waiting in the street.” She prided herself on the calmness of her voice, but the sound still seemed to shatter the empty room.


Considering this is the first time we hear her speak, the fact that the sound 'shatters the room' is understood. It shatters the silence of her thoughts, the silence that you had with dialoguelessness. It shatters the speechlessness we feel from her. You don't need to say it, when saying it ruins the effect because it's not done well. Let your lines speak for themselves, rather than talking over them, to explain them to us.

“Good.” Adele's voice was cold and smooth, somehow fitting perfectly into the room in which Jacqueline felt so out of place


End on 'room'. We know J is out of place. No need to spell it out -- show, don't tell -- and you've shown us that so vividly without using the words themselves that using them now is feeble.

Her bloody hands left a red trail across the lifeless blond hair.


Cut 'bloody,' 'red,' 'lifeless,' 'blond.' You've said all this before -- we know the hands are bloody, we know blood is red, we know the hair is lifeless from the first few paras, we know it's blond.

Adele stopped within arm's length of her and Jacqueline raised her eyes. Adele stared down at her with a familiar glint.

“Will you be okay, Jackie dear, or will you need a moment to cry?”

The words were quiet and sickly sweet. She breathed them down on Jacqueline, who looked up into her cold, calculating face.


First two lines quoted are fine ('glint' bothers me a little, as this is a minimalistic tale, imagery-wise, so 'glint' tries to hard to look poeticised, but I'll ignore that for the moment).

The dialogue part is fine. You say, 'dear' which we can hear, clear as day, is falsely spoken. You don't need 'sickly sweet' when it's easily inferred. Also, you don't need 'cold, calculating face' when we already understand this from J's assessment of A, and J's feeling all throughout the piece.

Jacqueline swallowed. Adele, however, broke the gaze. Her expression softened as she turned her eyes instead to Jacqueline's fair hair, giving Jacqueline a chance to examine her. Her face was pale and beautiful as ever. Her hair and eyes were just as dark, magnified against the sharp contrast of her skin. But a sort of energy and power seemed now to be confined in her which radiated from her at her will.


Cut this section entirely, and the transition from 'We've no time for weakness' to 'Adele......smoothed the top of J's hair' will be that much more vivid; the contrast in her words in actions will be that much more apparent.

I say to remove this because: (a) we understand A is beautiful without you once having said it and (b) we understand energy and power radiates for her and (c) saying both of these ideas in words like I just did and you just have sounds boring.

Her voice was still cold, still seemed like an integral part of the room itself, as if the walls or velvet green armchairs had instead uttered the words.

Jacqueline looked once more into the glint of her eyes until Adele turned from her. She heard the footsteps as Adele walked behind her, across the room, and out the door from which she had entered.


'glint' and 'cold' repeated in too quick succession after the last time you said them.

After a while Jacqueline collected herself, and she followed Adele out to the car.


I want more of a bang. Your energy is so strong, in the first line, in the whole piece, that I can't bear for this to end on quietness. Come on, this is what you do best; you're fantastic at one-liners, Attolia. I want a riveting one-liner, here.

--

Good to read your work again. I hope this novel's going well. We should catch up sometime. PM me if you want to discuss this, or just generally talk.

Thanks for the read.




Navita



I'll admit the two turtle doves are growing on me, but there are ten birds in this house already and we both know geese are feathered bioweapons of mass destruction.
— Silvern