I can't make you love me.

When I woke up she was still asleep. Her hand on my chest, her thigh stretched over my waist and her head rested on my shoulder. Gently, I brushed hair from her face and placed it behind her ear. Taking care not to wake her, I stole a kiss.

Rays from the morning sun pierced through the blinds and stung my skin. Swallows sang their joyfull song. I wondered what time it was and reached across her head to her cell phone on the bed stand. My eyes searched the LCD for the digital clock. Instead of the time, my eyes focused on a notification. . .

"2 New Messages"

We are born a curious specie and that's how we die. In fact, we are curious about death itself and you know what the post-mortum of 'the cat' was. I was tempted to read her messages. We've been dating for years and I figured it won't hurt to intrude a bit. So, I opened the first message. . .

'Hi, where are you?? I'm wating outside. Lance' - 01:29am

I read the message again. I hoped I read it wrong the first time but each word was plain and simple. It didn't allow for misinterpretation. Merciless simplicity. My heartbeat picked up pace and my trembling hands opened the second message. . .

'Okay, I've waited too long. I'm leaving now. Delete the messages before he sees it.' - 02:05am

After I read the second message I was breathing heavily. I checked to see if she was still asleep. Her face was that of an angel but my heart new the way our relationship worked. This was how we killed each others emotions. This was not the first time it happened and I never get used to it. I put my hand on my racing heart. Beating fast and hard, the beat of an aching soul. The same way her heart beats when she's doing my laundry and find suprises in my pockets.

I deleted the messages and prayed to fall asleep again. Hours from now this will be forgotten. That's how we love each other.

hey... firstly I would just like to say that maybe you should have put it in the romance story section...it might have sit better there... otherwise.. Your story was really very deep and nice... It was extremely sweet and I loved it... The verses in the beginning were very god too... it has been very well written:)

I saw a couple of grammatical errors.

heart new the way our relationship worked. This was how we killed each other emotionely. This was not the first time

Maybe reword this like Killed each other with our emotions. I don't believe emotionely is a word. Correct me if I'm wrong according to Mr. Webster.

cellphone and bedstand should both each be two words.

No, I've never head of the "post-mortan of 'the cat' " ? That part confused me.

So, I opened the first messages. . .

Either put "So, I opened the first message..." or put "So, I opened the first of the two messages..."

That's all the mistakes I found. Good luck. This is a good piece. I'm looking forward to seeing more of your writings. I'm following you! Mwahaha

Amazingly AWESOME hope you keep writing so I can read more Happy writing and good luck!!!!!!!
Soulkana<3

Hey there.. Just a couple things.

Swallows sang their joyful song. (Joyful has only one "l".)

and I figured it wouldn't hurt to intrude a bit. (Won't should have been wouldn't)

I hoped I read it wrong the first time(,) Comma but each word was plain and simple.

Her face was that of an angel(,) Comma but my heart knew the way our relationship worked. (You used the wrong form of "knew".)

This was not the first time it happened and I never got used to it.

I put my hand on my racing heart. Beating fast and hard, the beat of an aching soul. The same way her heart beats when she's doing my laundry and find suprises in my pockets. (This should be the start of a new paragraph.)

when she's doing my laundry and find(s) suprises in my pockets

Hours from now this would be forgotten. That's how we love each other.

I enjoyed your message here. Because nowadays, that's sort of the truth with couples. They cheat but that's the only way they know how to come back to eachother loving eachother. A very 21st century message.

Your writing was very clear overall, and I enjoyed reading this. It kept my interest the whole way through. Which is an important component when writing anything. Nice work.

Hi, I liked the story. I found a few mistakes here and there so I'm just going to point them out now. I haven't read the other reviews so please forgive me if I repeat what others have already said.
[
quote]Gently, I brushed hair from her face and placed it behind her ear. [/quote]


"brushed hair" doesn't sound right. Maybe you can try "brushed a lock of hair"?

Swallows sang their joyfull song.

It should be "joyful" instead of "joyfull".

We are born a curious specie and that's how we die. In fact, we are curious about death itself and you know what the post-mortum of 'the cat' was.

It should be "We are born a curious SPECIES". "species" is used as singular as well as plural, there's no such word as "specie".
Also, the spelling of "post-mortem" is wrong.

We've been dating for years and I figured it won't hurt to intrude a bit.

I think it should be "We HAD been...." or "We'd been...." and "won't" should be "wouldn't".

Her face was that of an angel but my heart new the way our relationship worked. This was how we killed each others emotions. This was not the first time it happened and I never get used to it. I put my hand on my racing heart. Beating fast and hard, the beat of an aching soul.

"new" should be "knew" in "my heart new...", the tense of the sentence: "This was not the first time it happened and I never get used to it" doesn't sound right. Maybe try "This was not the first time it had happened and i never got used to it."?

The same way her heart beats when she's doing my laundry and find suprises in my pockets.

"find" should be "finds" and the spelling of "suprises" should be "surprises"

That's all. Keep writing, bye.

That's a really sad story. I agree it belongs in the romance section, though. I think it's really foul when people cheat.. I'm a victim of it myself. I feel like I've been in that young guys position oh-so-many times before, It's almost like you were writing about me when I read it (not to sound self centered, of course). However, I can't help but speak for most guys when I say, He wouldn't have put that cell phone down. He would've shouted and flung it out the window!

All joking aside, this is a good representation of a classically dysfunctional relationship. Where guy meets girl goes wrong.

WOW! This situation sucks, honestly.
I love how you worded everything, honestly!
The most surprising ending I've seen, honestly.
And I would click the 'love' button if only I could find it, HONESTLY!

Honestly,
Solvy

Oh my gosh... I'm really at a loss for words. This piece is so simple, so straight edge, but it really just... I don't know what to say! I picture this, and see this so vividly that my heart beats and I breathe just the way the character is breathing. I feel it, and thats the best thing you can do for a reader. I absolutely love when people read what I've written or when they look at my artwork and I can see them grimacing or unable to speak. It's the most fulfilling feeling... like I've done right just by letting someone feel the same things I've felt. So this is incredible and I love it to pieces. It's incredible and I sincerely thank you just for writing it.

I agree with you ty! I wanted to review again since I reread it and fell in love with it again!!! Very moving piece you have here and can not wait to read more of your works. Hope you do well!!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3