The fallen

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http://www.youtube.com/user/787ellen?feature=mhum#p/c/73EAC6B761215107/21/vP1KNAG_njsuse this link, it's a playlist of music I used as inspiration for this chapterAll I could hear were his terrified screams, they filled my head with an uncomfortable fog that I couldn't budge.
I knew to keep his memory as pure to them as it was to me I had to tell them the truth. I had to remeber from the very day I met him. "Hi." I said to him as I sat beside him in a science class, he said hi to me; but very coldly like he'd rather not know me at all. But I was glad he had said at least one word to me seen as no-one else in the entire school would say a single word to me, I was the reject, the outcast and even though I tryed my very hardest to fit in I never did. Neither did he but even so he wouldn't even so much as look at me.
So one day I decided to be brave and I walked up to him,"Hey!" I said, "I'm really trying here! Why won't you take any notice of me?" I didn't know his name then so for a while he was just the boyto me. He slammed his forlk into his salad. "Ever thought I don't want to take notice?" I sat by his side determined to get answers. "I know that's not true, you take looks at me across the room when you think I'm not looking; but thing is I'm allways looking. So what's your name?" He smiled at my forward personality. "My name is Logan, you?" "I'm Iris."
From that very moment we became friends, inseparable; we sat together in every class. After a while I thought we were friends enough I asked him, "How about you meet me at my house tonight?" He lifted his rucksack onto his back. "Sorry, I cant do after school, thanks though."
From then on our new found friendship started to tumble down a hill of destruction, silent classes, grouchy lunches and no looks across the classroom. I still sat at the table with him at lunch though, for a while anyway; but I began to get bored and moved away.

For weeks I sat alone again, the same as it always was, untill a tap on my shoulder woke me from my dream at the dinner table. "Hi, does Logan Harrows go to this school?" Although very pretty looking the man with dark hair and grey glistening eyes didn't look like he could be trusted. "I don't think I should give you that information, I don't know who you are." The man grinned at me. "I'm his uncle, Daniel Harrows. I'm soon to be living with Logan and so I'm giving myself a tour of his school. So do you know where he is?" I went back to my lunch, "I'm not telling you. You don't seem trust worthy, or old enough to be an uncle."
That night when I was sitting in my room studying the door knocked. "Iris! It's for you." I went down the stairs two at a time. When I got to the door I saw that it was Logan standing at the door. "Oh hey Logan, I thought you can't do after school?" He chuckled at my remark, "I came to say thankyou, for this lunchtime; that man was my uncle but I don't really want to see him. So thanks." "Thats okay, hey I'm really sorry about the last few weeks. We should go out one night to make up for it?" He looked down at his whatch. "It's not to late now, we could go out for a bot?" We ended up getting fish and chips then going and sitting on the garden wall of an old house on the edge of town. "So this is your house, and you live here on your own?" Before he could reply his uncle stepped infront of him. "So still in this dump are you?"
787ellen




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This is a good start. Kind of confusing as to where you are going with this story. But i would like to see. I would make this the prologue since it is so short. And chop it up into more than two paragraphs. Because it is a lot to read and easier on the eye. But I couldn't find anything else wrong with it. So that's all. Keep writing!
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~




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This was good, a good start.
But there were a few problems with this.
I feel as if this is rushed and it's not in detail
like
Hey!" I said, "I'm really trying here! Why won't you take any notice of me?"
I didn't know his name then so for a while he was just the boyto me.
He slammed his forlkfork into his salad.
"Ever thought I don't want to take notice?"

Ok this was a bit random? She says hi and now she
suddenly wants him to take notice and also saying hi isn't 'really trying' :P
So for your next chapter just even though it takes longer writen it in more detail.
Unless your really busy (:
Sorry if I was too cruel :(
If you fix those things then this would be a great novel (:
<3
Linger on, your pale blue eyes



We think in generalities, but we live in details.
— Alfred North Whitehead