Moody Days That End in Y (Poetry Pair Contest)

16 posts1, 2
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9100
Reviews 319
Jash and Kagi's entry for the Poetry Pair Contest.

My parents say I've issues;
____they tend to just get mad
Let’s see 'em walk in my shoes!
____- and feel these teenage fads!

They always complain 'bout the choices I make,
____'bout how repulsive I can be,
________'bout my six wanted innate mistakes,
____________and 'bout my fashion impulsivity

They ask me:
____"Why, dear, why?
________are you like a roller coaster ride?
____We always try to get a grip,
________but we fail to chase your mind!

____"Yesterday, you stayed in your room
____Today, you’re loud and noisy.
____A minute ago, you held a broom.
____Now, you’re throwing wrappers of candy.”

____“Thanks for leaving me alone yesterday.
____Today I need your company.
____A minute ago I wanted to show loyalty.
____Now,” – I cough – “my liberty!

____“Teen mood swings, I guess, are inexplicable.
________Wait!
____________maybe chemicals," I say.
________“Yes, Doctors would say chemicals.
____But demons, Religions would state.”

____“But fret not!
________I'm not alone.
________People my age understand and know.
____I wonder why you don’t?
________since you’ve been this young before!

____“Though I have to admit:
________At times, I think I've got it figured out.
____I said 'think', not 'know'.
____So I better just shut my mouth . . .”



________________Or not?
Last edited by Jashael on Tue Apr 05, 2011 1:37 am, edited 4 times in total.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


My SPOTIFY page
Facebook
Got a life?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1141
Reviews 30
haha, I found it really funny, yet true. I too will never understand why parents don't understand why teens have sudden mood swings (and what they were feeling at the time),when they had them themselves then they were younger! I really liked it, especially the ending *laughs* Great work ;)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9100
Reviews 319
Thanks, girl! XD Kaka thought of that theme... I wanted to be serious, but she wanted to be funny. I guess it worked! :D
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


My SPOTIFY page
Facebook
Got a life?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1130
Reviews 152
hey... first of all, Best of luck for the competition... I'm also taking part with Lava...
Now for the poem.. Firstly-awesome!!! it was brilliant and so funny that i tears were out of my eyes... It is a really good piece and the flow was so smooth and gentle that it felt like a song with good music... keep it up... You've both done a great job:)
The answers lie within.. You only need to look.. :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 35199
Reviews 878
Hey, Jash/Kaka! I'm here because you posted on my WRFF thread -- but I'm not actually sure if I should be here, since I'm a judge for this contest. xD Well, I suppose I can say a few words in general, anyway.

I have to say I actually kind of understood the first draft better. I mean, granted, the edited version is more detailed and descriptive, but at times it got very difficult to follow. I wasn't always sure whether it was the kid or the parents speaking. I liked the fact that you had decided to use rhymes, because -- I feel like I say this all the time, but anyway -- I think humourous poems and rhymes is a match made in heaven. However, at some points the rhyming was a bit off, and some words were too obviously needed just for the rhyme. Also, one "detailed" thing I have to say is that the "'bout" instead of "about" in the second stanza kind of threw me off. i couldn't figure out any specific reason why you just didn't write the whole word.

I suggest you try and fix at least the rhythm, so that each line would be somewhat of the same length, so that you read it out loud, it flows nicely and doesn't sound awkward. :) I wish you two the best of luck in the contest, and I hope I haven't done any serious rule-breaking even if I reviewed your poem... :P


Demeter
x
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9100
Reviews 319
I didn't know Demeter! I was just browsing the WRFF for someone who was reviewing poetry! I'm so sorry. =((

I was the one who edited it. Kaka wrote the poem. I knew she had to edit it too before we pass it, but we were out of time. xD
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


My SPOTIFY page
Facebook
Got a life?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 9616
Reviews 263
Hello. :) (Uh...I don't know what else to say to begin this review. :lol:)

Nitpicks:

Today I need your company.

- Comma after 'Today'

A minute ago I wanted to show loyalty.

- Comma after 'ago'.

I wonder why you don’t?

- I don't think we're supposed to use a question mark after a 'wondering' statement.

-----A minute ago I wanted to show loyalty.
-----Now,” – I cough – “my liberty!

-----“Teen mood swings, I guess, are inexplicable.
----------Wait!
---------------maybe chemicals," I say.
----------“Yes, Doctors would say chemicals.
-----But demons, Religions would state.”

- These parts confuse me, like they don't make sense. >.< I think it's the wording. Please rewrite. :)

- - - - - - -

I like it. it's realistic. And I like the rhyming too. ^_^ :D I like the simplicity of Kaka's draft, but then I was impressed with the first part of Jash's edited version. The rhyming and the rhythm there impressed me. Thumbs up for that! ;) The middle part (the part in my last nitpick) messed it up for me. Good thing the last part held it together, but it didn't impress me as much as the first part.

Anyway, good luck on the contest! :D When will the results come? o.o
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9100
Reviews 319
Thanks, Whisperer! Haha... It's a relief that the deadline was moved to April 5, and Kaka and I can still edit it. :)
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


My SPOTIFY page
Facebook
Got a life?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7340
Reviews 205
Yeah Jash,
My first look over I think we should get rid of the chemicals verse, its far too confusing at first glance.
Sorry for being honest.

But uh the rest I like. You did a good job, Maybe re~write that chemicals verse?

Yeah, demeter my version is so much better huh?! Tch..

Joke, well done Jashie. Its awesome. I love it.
Make those changes maybe and it'll be awesomer.

:D

Thanks babe
Got YWS?

If, when you mean to type yes you type yws, you know you belong. :P




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9100
Reviews 319
I LOVE THE CHEMICAL VERSE! *cries*
Bahaha... I know, I know. yous was better. XD We'll fix the rhyming, then you add the "they say I'm beautiful as who I am" stuff... got it, babe? :lol:

I can't believe we're featured. B-)
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


My SPOTIFY page
Facebook
Got a life?




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 974
Reviews 53
This is good. It's realistic and still nice. I give it two thumbs up.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 4
Great poem
When reading it couldn’t stop laughing.
It flows nicely. Its realistic and I definitely
Can relate to some of the stuff your poem mentioned

This was definitely my favorite part

"Yesterday, you stayed in your room
Today, you’re loud and noisy.
A minute ago, you held a broom.
Now, you’re throwing wrappers of candy.”

“Thanks for leaving me alone yesterday.
Today I need your company.
A minute ago I wanted to show loyalty.
Now,” – I cough – “my liberty!


Fantastic job :)
keep up the great work

-love2read-
Mr. Wormwood: "Get in the car, Melinda!"
Matilda: "Matilda!"
Mr. Wormwood: "Whatever!"

-Mr. Wormwood and Matilda




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9100
Reviews 319
Thanks for the comments guys! I'm waiting for my partner to edit her part. xD
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


—C.S. LEWIS


My SPOTIFY page
Facebook
Got a life?




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2564
Reviews 129
Hi there

Wow, it's going to be hard to judge the winner for this contest, there are so many amazing poems here.

I really like this one.

The form you took on is very risky and difficult to pull off, incorporating so much dialogue into the poem, but you pull it off seamlessly. That shows a lot of skill.

Good job.
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

Alice in Wonderland




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2564
Reviews 129
Hi there

Wow, it's going to be hard to judge the winner for this contest, there are so many amazing poems here.

I really like this one.

The form you took on is very risky and difficult to pull off, incorporating so much dialogue into the poem, but you pull it off seamlessly. That shows a lot of skill.

Good job.
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

Alice in Wonderland



A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief