Escape (or Wings, which one do you think is better?)

I know the last two stanzas seem as if they don't belong. I'd love suggestions about how to change that.

Sometimes while sitting idle
When there's nothing much to be done
I wish I could just fly through the roof
And zoom upwards to kiss the sun

Sometimes while I’m in class
And the teacher's lecture makes me sleep
I wish a pair of wings would appear on my back
And out the window I would leap

Sometimes while lying awake in my bed
When at the ceiling I just stare
I wish an opening would appear in the wall
And I would go out to taste the night air

Sometimes while I’m in the assembly hall
When it's drizzling oh-so-lightly outside
I wish I could escape the drone of the Morning Prayer
And somewhere in the sky I’d hide

Sometimes when life gets too monotonous
I wish I could escape its predictable routine
And feel the thrill of freedom and weightlessness
And exultation when boundaries are nowhere to be seen

For a moment I’d hover and act all surprised
To see everyone's startled faces
Then I’d soar as if an external force is carrying me
To visit some unknown pristine places

And although all this doesn't actually happen
My heart still sways
And while this body remains where it is
It wanders over valleys and bays

Just a note: in Indian schools (most of them) we have to attend the school assembly every morning and stand in queues while we pray. It's horrendously boring. I don't know if it happens in western countries, so i thought I'll just explain it. Also I gather from the books I've read that most people in western countries don't like getting wet in the rain but since India has got a tropical climate, we (at least I) welcome the monsoon showers with open arms and love to get wet, especially when it's just a light and fine drizzle.

Hi Priyansha, this is Gsp, and I'll be your reviewer for today! I think the title "Wings" is more appropriate, but that's my opinion. Don't feel any need to listen to it.

Sometimes while sitting idle
When there's nothing much to be done
I wish I could just fly through the roof
And zoom upwards to kiss the sun

I think you should get rid of the "just" in the third line. I have a feeling that it would make it flow better.

Sometimes while I’m in class
And the teacher's lecture makes me sleep
I wish a pair of wings would appear on my back
And out the window I would leap

That third line doesn't seem to fit with the others, but it's probably just me.

Sometimes while lying awake in my bed
When at the ceiling I just stare
I wish an opening would appear in the wall
And I would go out to taste the night air

I don't really have anything to say about this one.

Sometimes while I’m in the assembly hall
When it's drizzling oh-so-lightly outside
I wish I could escape the drone of the Morning Prayer
And somewhere in the sky I’d hide

Again, not much to say here. I like how you used the word "drone". I know, sort of an odd comment, but I do.

Sometimes when life gets too monotonous
I wish I could escape its predictable routine
And feel the thrill of freedom and weightlessness
And exultation when boundaries are nowhere to be seen

This is my favorite stanza.

For a moment I’d hover and act all surprised
To see everyone's startled faces
Then I’d soar as if an external force is carrying me
To visit some unknown pristine places

I would get rid of the "all" in the first line. It doesn't really flow well with the rest of the stanza and sticks out like a sore thumb. Also, "unknown pristine places". I like the line, but it looks sort of odd. I'm not sure what you can do about it though.

And although all this doesn't actually happen
My heart still sways
And while this body remains where it is
It wanders over valleys and bays

Great ending.

All in all, I did notice a couple of things. There aren't any commas or periods in this thing. I'm not familiar with poetry so I might be wrong, but I think you should add some.

I really liked this, though, mainly because I can relate to it completely. Keep up the good work!

~Gsp.

Hello! This is a pretty good poem! I like the details in the poem. For example,

"Sometimes while sitting idle
When there's nothing much to be done
I wish I could just fly through the roof
And zoom upwards to kiss the sun"

I like the details here. However, I noticed that you rhyme done and sun, but you don't rhyme idle with any word. When it comes to rhyming, you either rhyme or you don't rhyme. I like the end-rhymes you put, though, but if you use end-rhymes, you need to rhyme at the end of every sentence or do cross-rhymes with the end-rhymes. For example,

The sun was white as paper,
The clouds were blue like the ocean,
I took my stapler,
And threw it with the lotion.

This is an example of a cross-rhyme. You can do something like this. However, like I said, it's a pretty good poem.

I didn't know that you have to attend school assembly every morning and stand in queues while you pray. So far, I haven't seen that in the American schools here because I've never been to a public school here in the United States. I'm actually home-schooled. I actually don't like rain because it makes the day so ugly and gloomy. Rain also makes me sleepy. Anyway, I think you should keep writing poetry because you'll get better with more practice and more people helping you along the way.

Also, about the title of the poem, I think you should keep it as "Escape."

Hello there. hope you're having fun using this website for all your creative works, I myself am lol.
just wanted to leave a short comment under your poem.. I read it and it sounded so cute. I can sure need some tips on
how to make my poems sound more interesting to others.. I've got several comments from other people saying
that my poems are too short and need more meaning. its hard to think when you get distracted by something else, has that ever happened to you?

That was really beautiful! Usually poems that rhyme like that sound cheesy, but you made it sound really elegant. I loved how you tied in your own experiences along with your imagination. Great job! Oh, and I don't think the last two stanzas were off topic at all. They were a nice way to end the poem.

Hello there.
I'm Ehte here for the review. You could use Wings as the title as Gsp said but I have a title of my own which is "Sometimes". XD You need not use it but think about it. Priyansha, you should start using punctuations. Your poem looks incomplete without them. They are a major part you know. Okay now to the nitpicks.

Sometimes while sitting idle
When there's nothing much to be done When there's nothing to be done
I wish I could just fly through the roof I wish I could fly through the roof
And zoom upwards to kiss the sun Try something other than zoom.

Sometimes while I’m in class Sometimes while in class
And the teacher's lecture makes me sleep
I wish a pair of wings would appear on my back I wish I had a pair of wings on my back
And out the window I would leap

Sometimes while lying awake in my bed
When at the ceiling I just stare When at the ceiling I stare
I wish an opening would appear in the wall
And I would go out to taste the night air Doesn't flow right.

Sometimes while I’m in the assembly hall Sometimes while in the assembly hall
When it's drizzling oh-so-lightly outside When it's drizzling outside
I wish I could escape the drone of the Morning Prayer I wish to escape the drone of the Morning Prayer
And somewhere in the sky I’d hide

Sometimes when life gets too monotonous
I wish I could escape its predictable routine
And feel the thrill of freedom and weightlessness thrills would sound better.
And exultation when boundaries are nowhere to be seen

For a moment I’d hover and act all surprised For a moment I’d hover and act surprised
To see everyone's startled faces
Then I’d soar as if an external force is carrying me
To visit some unknown pristine places To visit an unknown pristine places

And although all this doesn't actually happen
My heart still sways
And while this body remains where it is
It wanders over valleys and bays

I hope this would help you. Keep writing. (:

One thing I'll point out. I never ever post on grammer or spelling unless it is just plain stupid and someone hasn't already. Truthfully I don't even look for it. When I read I look at depth, voice, and how good it was overall. Lets start with depth. There wasn't much. But don't get mad or offended! I think it's perfect. This poem is shallow like a child is ignorant of the evils of the world. Who would want it any other way? I think it feels like a daydream, and be honest, when you daydream do you look into every feeling and try to explain them? Of course not! That would be silly. Depth is perfect for this poem. Voice. Who are you pointing this at? Who does it appeal to? Girls, guys, adults, children? Anyvody really, but I got the feel that it was ment for you. Not to persuade or entertain but to just be. Also good. Overall. I liked it. That is as far as I will go. With hopes your writing will live on forever inside you _!Writer!_