Time travel.

So....I completely suck at titles.



The laundry isn't done,
and you're down,
clawing for a way to the door so you
can go back in time.
Back to that smile you got in the hallway
just hours ago.
Back to the time when your smile was real,
and the emoticon on the chat screen didn't
flash its fake teeth for you.
Back to the moment where you had
yourself gathered,
instead of in cracked pieces
scattered across the light, carpet-covered floor.

This is interesting, and I think you're on the brink of something really meaningful. Try and explore the concepts you mention, such as the smile you got in the hallway. How did you feel when that happened? Why was your smile real? Why do you have to rely on emoticons? The very last sentence/four lines are very good, Iove the metaphor and imagery you use.

Good start, keep writing!

<3 Sara.

Kafka here.

The laundry isn't done, Good first line. Nice and relatable. Sometimes easy starts work better than overly descriptive ones.
and you're down, I'm not sure what this is supposed to convey. Does it mean he/she's fallen down? Or something else?
clawing for a way to the door so you I like this, I suppose, but the "for a way" kind of throws me off.
can go back in time. Oh, this really just killed everything. Much too straightforward.
Back to that smile you got in the hallway Again. Too simplistic. Try expanding a bit more on that idea.
just hours ago.
Back to the time when your smile was real, Shouldn't "the" be "that?"
and the emoticon on the chat screen didn't Completely different image. Ease my into this.
flash it's fake teeth for you. "It's" should be "its." Also, I think this line doesn't flow particularly well.
Back to the moment where you had Try relocating the "you had" to the next line.
yourself gathered, See my last comment.
instead of in cracked pieces Not sure about the grammatical connection between this and the last lines.
scattered across the light, carpet-covered floor. Why not just say "the carpet?"

PM me if you have any questions or comments, and keep writing!

-Kafka

Hi flyinginvisible. I love your name by the way. I hope you are enjoying the site so far. I also hope that my review doesn't scare you off. Sometimes I have been said to be harsh, and I just want to let you know that all my comments are just constructive criticize.

O.K., right now I think that this poem is on the verge of being really, really good. The biggest problem now is that it seems to be all over the place. You are giving me lots of imagery and it is slightly too much. First I am picturing laundry on the line, then a hallway with someone clawing at the door, and then someone at a computer pretending to blow off and joke around about someones insults. Though I actually can relate to each of these images I think you need to focus your poem more. I think the chat screen part is very good, but it throws the poem off. Before I was picturing something completely different. Even though we hang out our laundry I still pictured a girl in a dress on a farm. The two images clashed.

Now, I read this poem a few times over and I think I have a fairly good grasp of what you are trying to say with it. When you were doing the laundry you felt happy, free, and calm. Then you started to talk to people. They wrecked your happiness and you just want it back. You know, now that I state it, this could actually be symbolism for becoming older and realizing the world isn't perfect. Your dad isn't a superhero and your mom can't fix any boo boo so to say. Now I only say what I think the poem means to give you feedback. Because everyone is going to take the poem a different way. It will affect everyone differently, but as a poet myself I always like to know what feelings or thoughts people got from the poem not just if they liked the rhyme scheme.

I caught a line or two of the other review. So I won't give you any nitpicks. I would like to say that you should play with your line spacing. For example:

clawing for a way to the door so you
can go back in time.

It could be:

clawing for a way to the door
maybe then you can go back in time

I am not saying that is right or sounds better. It just sounds different and length of lines in poetry can really change things up.

I would like to contradict the other reviewers and say that I like how the poem is simple. It lets me expand in my mind.

I hope I helped,

A. S.

P.S. P.M. me if you have any questions.

Just to make things confusing, I'm gonna disagree with those before me.

Haha just kidding (about the confusing part.) I think this is great.

I don't think you should change the content, or that you're all over the place, or that you should ease the reader into things. Sometimes easing is good; sometimes you want to make them think/shock them/etc. I say you shouldn't mess with a good thing, and it looks like you didn't. Thanks.

Oh, and I think you chose a good title.

Okay, so in complete contrast of all those other people I really appreciated the poem. Poetry isn't meant to be spelled out and completely understood by anyone but the writer, and half the time I don't completely understand my own writing! The imagery is great, and I also like the jumping from one topic and scene to the next. It adds the feeling that you are travelling through the narrator's thoughts. The only thing I found really wrong about the poem was the typo (which I'm sure someone has brought to your attention ).

Don't let nit-picky comments bring you down, keep writing - it's what keeps us sane (: