Waiting in a field of grass

note: Persephoneia asked me about my custom text status thing, and this flowed out in about a minute, or less really.



Waiting in a field of grass

I'm just resting, nestling the blades, the convex and concave curves in each crisp
plant, like an individual thought that whispers to me my dreams and desires

hoping perhaps, that the tea kettle cloud in the sky will go off soon
and I can find a figure walking over to accompany me in this endless grass

it's a naked feeling, even if I'm dressed, the grass glistens through
veils and masks, and I'm waiting to share myself with someone waiting in grass.

Very pleasing piece, though I think it would be even greater if you develop it a little. Now, it seems like it doesn't have a rhyming scheme (it doesn't need one if you meant to write it in free verse or blank verse).
I know everyone has their own style, I just though I'd enjoy it much more if it had a better rhythm and some rhymes or near rhymes.
Overall, I liked it because it has a very natural, raw feeling and it makes me want to be myself in a field of grass. It's fantastic that this piece arose from only on phrase. I think you really got talent. Write on.

Hey c:
Yaaaay. You posted it. It is quite nice. There are, of course, some things that could be changed though. Because I'm lazy and am actually supposed to be writing a paper right now, this will be brief. I know that this was a quick write-- these often turn out raw, and I can feel that rawness in this. You have some odd wording that could be toyed with a bit, and an undeveloped idea. You need a stronger feeling and a stronger topic to build off of, and I think that you'll have an excellent piece. Hell, this is already excellent. It'll just be even better.
Because I'm my lazy self, I'm going to write in the text itself. Please don't hate me too much. Or, at least, please don't start a vendetta.

I'm just resting, (maybe you could change the comma to "and") nestling the blades, the convex and concave curves in each crisp
plant, like an individual thought that whispers (whispering) to me my dreams and desires

The last line feels a bit awkwardly worded-- make the subject more apparent and maybe incorporate that last bit more. I love the "resting" and "nestling" next to each other and your alliteration is excellent. "individual" feels a bit odd to me.

hoping perhaps, that the tea kettle cloud in the sky will go off soon
and I can find a figure walking over to accompany me in this endless grass

I would suggest changing "hoping" as it's a bit weird for the flow-- though that's more of a personal stylistic pet peeve of mine than anything else. I absolutely love the imagery of a tea kettle cloud going off. "Figure" is a bit vague and lacks emotion-- you can hit harder there.

it's a naked feeling, even if I'm dressed, (needs development right here)the grass glistens through
veils and masks, and I'm waiting to share myself with someone waiting in grass.

The flow feels rushed-- take your time, make us wait in the grass with you a bit longer. Make us feel like we're anticipating something, and leave it lingering. Great first line in this little stanza, though the transition from nakedness to grass needs to be a bit stronger, and maybe you could try to not repeat grass in the second line? You can leave it as it is if you want, as it's not as distracting as it would normally be, but it's a thought.


Overall, awesome write, especially cause it was on my wall. c:

Love it, especially the alliteration with the letter c. The only thing I would change is one word - when you say "it's a naked feeling, even if I'm dressed," I suggest changing "if" to "though" - presumably the narrator IS dressed while waiting in the grass, although if the narrator is not, in fact, in clothing then I guess "if" is just fine.

Great job!

~Blue

This is a good poem even though it is raw. I really like the imagery in the poem. For example, "hoping perhaps, that the tea kettle cloud in the sky will go off soon/ and I can find a figure walking over to accompany me in this endless grass", I like this verse because of the imagery in it. I like the tone of the poem which is carefree. However, this poem is more prose than poetry because you write sentences than lines. When it comes to poetry, you create a new line by adding a period, comma, hyphen, or some form of punctuation at the end of the last line. Here's an example,

Bronze and silver coins fall on the floor-
I pick them up.

This is one way how you can write poetry.

For example, "I'm just resting, nestling the blades, the convex and concave curves in each crisp/ plant, like an individual thought that whispers to me my dreams and desires" You can end the first line by adding a hyphen or another form of punctuation after the word plant. However, just one question. What is the message you are trying to convey in this poem?

Like Fran 94^ I really like how raw the poem is. The imagery is simply beautiful and it really takes me to wherever you wanted the poem to go. You know how poetry is, any writing really, it's very subjective and different for each reader.

Anyways, one of my favorite pieces was "the convex and concave curves in each crispplant, like an individual thought that whispers to me my dreams and desires"

I think the poem would have benefitted from some sort of structure, but it was good all the same. I totally get the fact that it was just a freewrite, sometimes things just randomly pop in my head. Whatever the meaning is, I like it. It has some sort of mystical, nature-like, down to earth feel.

Just beautiful! Keep up the awesome work! I'm going to follow you! Mwahaha. I like the imagery and the flow. I think everyone has already touched on the problems they saw. I don't see anything else from what others have already commented. Cool!