What is lost that can be given?

What is lost that can be given?

The final breath is quickly taken away
As the lights begin to slowly dim and the eyes close,
Slowly, the beating heart begins to slow.
Watchful eyes are waiting with bated breath,
Waiting for the final shuddering to halt
As the heart beats its final drum
Before the silence deaden inward.

And a new dawn rises
As breath is given as new born eyes open to the world,
Taking in the first breath of life
As one fades into the ever-present dark

What is lost that can be given?

Hey Caitlin!

I really enjoyed this poem. It was really interesting to read, and I really like your word choices. The words all fit together really well, which is one big step in writing good poetry! So nice job!

The one major problem I had was the connectivity. When the poem suddenly goes from "Before the silence deadens inward" and "And a new dawn rises as breath is given" it reads a little awkwardly. The two halves of the poem go together, but not as well together as they could. Might I suggest breaking it into two stanzas and adding a line or maybe two that better tie the themes of death and birth together?

The only other thing is the lack of punctuation. If you look at most poetry, there is a lot of punctuation in it other than exclamation marks and question marks and that sort of thing. Think about how it would be read out loud. Where are there natural pauses? Those places are where things like commas should go. Feel free to experiment a little, you might like what you get!

Anyways, great poem! Keep writing!

~*~ Lily ~*~

Interesting Caitlin, though, I must say the choice of changing the font size is questionable right off the bat. Not as a matter of the poem itself, but the impression and form given apart from the poem. Sadly people are vain, and there seems to be among many possible readers an expectation to be greeted the familiar, which can stream off in numerous, numerous ways. Unless you have tantamount reason to do so or are writing a style that demands in as much, avoid changing the size of your font. (I'm removing your BBC code for the sake of not having to retype the code over and over)

To begin, I will look at this line by line-ish, but also give a greater impression.

Caitlin wrote:What is lost that can be given?

A question, but rather, a rhetorical one. The very posited idea is vague, abstract, something you must expand upon quickly, very quickly, and find an interesting way to take us, the readers, along for a ride. The problem with a line like this is the lack concrete and meaningful bearing. YET, let's look onward first before any omens are laid.

The final breath is taken away
As the lights begin to dim and the eyes close
Slowly,

An exact implication, a precise, profound "The" followed by final breath. Clearly the direction is now to dwell on what WILL be lost, as you elaborate. Keep in mind, the cliche imagery is ok if you can tie up your first line. Do you see how important it is that a poem compounds more than it elaborates? Expand upon this idea of something being "given", and quickly. (also, read those three lines aloud. does it flow to you? insertion punctuation or change word order in the second line, which is where the problems arise. I like the enjambment from close to slowly, very nice transition)

the beating heart begins to slow
Watchful eyes lay in wait with baited breath

No, this is too cliche again, much like the lines from before. Also "watchful eyes lay in wait" doesn't flow after slow. See, punctuation is not needed at the end of a line, as you've shown. BUT you really should provide the reader some help in flow unless your style can tackle a jump from line to line. As of now these read likes two different ideas similar only in the idea of death, loss.

Waiting for the final intake
Of the next ones final drum

Intake? Mmm. No, that's too focused on the mind of the word, not the heart, ironically enough. The second line repeats this problem, though the metaphor is appreciated. Rhythm and flow is better in these lines though.

Before the silence deadens inward
And a new dawn rises as breath is given

Hm. I can't help but feel the same idea is being repeated. And I suppose this is where something is being given back? Seems a bit forced and weak.

As new born eyes open to the world
Taking in the first breath of life
As one fades into the ever-present dark
What is lost that can be given?

Hm. Well, I see the idea of from death equals life, the flow of the spirit leaving, the spirit arriving, etc. Semantically, yesss you cover the journey from death to life. But poetry is a not a line and a line and a line converging to sentences as becoming prose. Poetry needs imagery that is striking, or meter and rhythm that creates a feeling to make it distinct from prose (ironically enough). Free verse is a form unto itself that many people find daunting at first because it lacks most convention they're used to; hilarious really when you look at Prose, which is just as many sentences going on and on.

BUT, the point is that Prose innately provides a story, a connection to both the inner and exterior of the reader (poetry should too, but experimentation has shaken it far from its old ways, prose is still very traditional); you don't have to write with the reader in mind. Not at all. Yet the choices of what you write need to do more than simply state, but show, not merely tell.

This said, I am impressed with how this appears to have come off easily. Even if not, I see promise here. Pay mind to words you might repeat at the end of lines or alliteration that's a bit too obvious. Hope this helps!

I'm not going to go into much detail, considering other reviewers have already done that for me. I haven't read through any of the reviews, but I'm assuming they're throrough based on the length.

One thing that caught my eye that I can't help but nitpick is "baited breath."
I don't know who started spelling it that way, but it's actually supposed to be "bated," not "baited." It's just that so many people say "baited" these days that it's becoming widely accepted, and there's no use in trying to reverse something like that when people are already used to spelling it a certain way.

Other than that, this has potential. Good write.

You've got a brilliant mind kiddo... good job

I like the theme of the poem and what you are trying to get across here. However, I feel like it could be better organized. The language you used was good, and I really like the creativity of it. I think the poem would benefit from a better flow and varied vocabulary, but I liked it all the same.

Keep writing, its what keeps us sane (: