To Kill A Unicorn [1/2]

Ranger Hawk · 2011-03-26T23:46:52Z

Short story I wrote in a day, so I could get the unicorn's voice out of my head and return to my actual novels. It's a pretty rough draft, and I already have some ideas for when I edit it, but I'd like all comments, please and thank you. (: *Edit: just to be clear, this is supposed to be a comedic piece. I wasn't going for anything serious and weighty. No morals, no redeemable qualities in characters, yadda yadda. Just pure brainless entertainment. (: To Kill A Unicorn Part One of Two The tiny town Histeria was quaint, quiet—and also currently being plagued by a nuisance. The mayor had set up a notice claiming that anyone who could rid the town of the pest would marry his beautiful daughter, thereby eventually becoming mayor after his own death. Men of all ages had tried, eager to win the hand of the fair Rowena. They were now dead and rotting in the ground, and the male population of Histeria had decreased by about half since last week. People whispered about the sorry state it was when a handful of strong, hale men couldn’t handle one white horse with a horn on its head that wasn’t much good except for drawing poison out of wounds, and who would bother with poison when an axe would work just as well, with the added benefit of toning back muscles? The unicorn came into the town square on the same day as the funeral for all the slain men; the people stared and whispered and thought dangerous thoughts about butchering the beast right then and there, and maybe even told their neighbors these dangerous thoughts, just to show how brave they were. The unicorn passed untouched through the streets, however, its white coat shining in the sunlight and its silver horn gleaming. It walked right up in front of the temporary throne the mayor had had set out for himself in the courtyard, and stopped. Everyone held their breath and waited eagerly to see if it would kill the mayor. The mayor cringed and tried to look small, a feat he was unable to pull off thanks to his paunchy girth. To some people’s disappointment, the unicorn merely talked. “Sending a bunch of half-witted wimps who can’t tell one end of a spear from another isn’t going to kill me. I’ll promise you that I’ll leave this town, if you send out a young, pure maiden to the woods. You have two days.” With that, it turned and dazzled everyone’s eyes with a shake of its lustrous mane that seemed to throw hot beams of light everywhere. When the people opened their eyes again, the unicorn was gone. The mayor wasted no time in calling every person in Histeria to the courtyard, where the funeral was temporarily put off in lieu of a virgin-search. It turned out to be quite harder than the mayor thought; many girls came up, offering to tame the unicorn, but were quickly called out by the remaining young men in the crowd. Some of these revelations incited mothers, fathers, and grandparents, and the mayor was soon immersed in a broiling mass of raging people. In the midst of it all, the mayor struck upon the only solution he could, and as he called for peace, he stood to make his announcement. “I shall send my very own Rowena out, and she shall tame the beast. Once it has been bewitched, we shall kill it and mount its horn upon my wall!” A loud cheer went up, for everyone knew how sweet and smart Rowena was, and if anyone was to succeed, she was surely the person to do so. Rowena looked a little uncertain. “Er, Father—” “Never fear,” the mayor said cheerfully, starting to push his daughter out of the courtyard. “The creature is bound by ancient magic, so that it cannot harm or kill a pure maiden such as yourself.” “Well yes, I know, but—” “You can do it, my dear!” Rowena’s protests were drowned out by the cheering crowd that shoved her out of the town’s borders and into the woods. Rowena disappeared into the woods, looking rather like a ghost in the fluttering white dress she wore. The crowd quickly forgot about her and, thinking their situation was taken care of, proceeded to get drunk in the tavern. The next morning, Rowena’s body was found in the town center, stiff and propped up against the gallows at the edge of the square. Her white dress was stained dark red, and a large hole was in her chest. It turned out Rowena hadn’t been quite as pure as her father had thought, as the stable boy later attested to. The crowd was in an uproar, and probably would have hanged the mayor if a voice hadn’t called out, “I’ll go.” Everyone turned, trying to find the source of the voice. “Mud?” someone cried in disbelief. “Well, she’s certainly a virgin,” someone else snickered. “Come up here,” the mayor commanded. The crowd parted as if a battering ram was being wheeled through. Very soon, someone was standing in front of the mayor. “Good heavens!” he cried, clutching his eyes. He suddenly realized he was being rather rude, and that this—girl—was saving him from a hanging. So he brought his trembling hands down from his face and eyed the girl timorously. “Er, you’d like to tame the unicorn?” She nodded. “And, er, what is your name, young lady?” “Mud.” The voice was dull and deep, which rather matched the rest of her. “Well, um, thanks and good luck and all.” The mayor flapped his hand at her in a shooing motion, and she ponderously left. It wasn’t until the large figure of Mud had left the town’s boundaries that someone said, “Well, that’s it. I’m packing up.” ***** Meanwhile, Mud was having a hard time in the woods. There seemed to be all kinds of vines and bushes and other growths that liked to try and trip her up, causing a miniature earthquake each time she hit the ground. Mud came upon the unicorn in a little clearing, and since its back was to her, she cleared her throat. The unicorn turned imperiously around, saying, “Well it’s about damn time young ladyyeeeEEE!” The unicorn stumbled back, tripped over a root, and tumbled to the ground in a tangle of long legs. “Didn’t mean to startle you,” Mud said in her dull voice. “Egads! What monstrosity is this?” The unicorn sounded very peeved as it scrambled to its feet and shook off the bits of forest that clung to its coat. “I’m here.” “I can see that all right. But what are you doing here?” “You asked for a virgin. Now stop terrorizing the town.” “Oh good ghastly,” the unicorn muttered. “Don’t tell me it’s you .” It took a hesitant step forward and pulled its upper lip back, revealing a row of large, yellowish teeth. Mud had seen stallions do that before as they tried to locate a specific smell. “You are ,” the unicorn said despairingly, lowering its lip. “I’m so dead.” A faint prickle of curiosity made its way into Mud’s brain. “Why?” “I should have specified,” the unicorn said to itself, starting to pace the clearing. “I should have said, young, pure, and beautiful . Of course, I’ve never had this trouble before.” It glanced sidelong at Mud, then quickly looked away. “Oh, he’s going to skin me alive and use my beautiful coat as a rug, I just know it!” “Who?” Mud wanted to know. “Wizard Wentley, of course!” The unicorn stamped a front hoof impatiently. “I don’t know who that is,” Mud said with a large sigh. “He’s the nasty old wizard who’s coerced me into beguiling young woman away to his castle.” Mud only understood a bit of what the unicorn said. “To his castle? What for? And why only young, beautiful virgins?” The unicorn eyed her disbelievingly with one of its pearly orbs. “What do you think?” it scoffed. “Probably uses them as maids to clean the place and the pig sty and the chicken coop,” Mud said, nodding her head in a sage kind of way. The unicorn looked at her for a very long time. “Right.” “Well, I suppose you can take me to him now. I’m used to hard work.” Mud looked a little sad. “Er—are you sure there aren’t any others who might step in for you?” The unicorn started to prance anxiously around the clearing now. “No,” Mud said despondently. “No one would do that. I’m a nobody. They say my parents died in shock when they saw me as a baby.” “Well, that’s sad and all, but—” “And then the orphanage wouldn’t take me in because they said they couldn’t have that kind of bad publicity.” Mud was on a roll now; tears were forming in her eyes. “And I’ve lived on the streets all my life and I eat whatever the pigs eat, and they all run away squealing whenever I come, so I actually get a lot of slops.” “Bully for you.” The unicorn looked extremely dismayed, which was an interesting expression, as it’s so rarely seen on horses. “I suppose, since you’re the only virgin in the town, that we’d better get going—oh, no. What are you crying about?” Mud took a heaving breath and strung out a lot of incoherent words. “Sorry, didn’t catch that.” “I-I’m ugly! And I hate it!” Mud screamed. The unicorn flattened its ears back at the volume. “Well, it’s not something to cry about. What about all that jaw—I mean, what about those wise sayings about you having, um, beauty on the inside?” It looked very unconvincing as it said this. Mud sniffled. “It’s all right. I’m used to it. I just get tired sometimes.” “Yes. Well. Don’t we all. Shall we be going now?” The unicorn shifted from one side to another on its hooves. “All right.” Mud slowly trudged after the unicorn, which kept glancing back at her and seemed to be muttering to itself. Mud didn’t hear what it said, and she didn’t much care.

ForsakenAngel

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Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:10 pm

ForsakenAngel says... · Tue Mar 29, 2011 6:10 pm

Wow! Hi, this is the frist time I've read anything of yours I believe, and I'm already liking it! I think I should start reading more of your stuff, this is really great! I don't have anything negative to say. If you write anything else, please send me a link! I enjoyed reading this(: Best of luck!

~Forsakinshadow~

PS: 'Like'

Hakuna Matata <3
RIP to all my friends who didn’t make it.

Hop freight or get lost.

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charcoalspacewolfman

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Wed Mar 30, 2011 1:30 am

charcoalspacewolfman says... · Wed Mar 30, 2011 1:30 am

Yes, the unicorn should've definitely specified what type of pure virgin it wanted...I found it really funny when they couldn't find any virgins in town. I liked this half of the story pretty well (haven't read the other half yet), but there are some things I'd like to mention.
And they've already been mentioned, but I really don't care. I really thought with all the allusions to how awful Mud looked that you might describe some of her. Not that I don't have a pretty good picture of her, but it seems strange that you didn't list any horrible deformities...
I probably wouldn't have noticed, really, except I caught sight of someone's review and they mentioned it. Normally I just skip over description anyway, so I don't think it's a big deal.

HMS Tragedy?! We should-we should have known!!!

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HorsebackWriter

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Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:41 pm

HorsebackWriter says... · Thu Mar 31, 2011 10:41 pm

Damn. You are the reason people get on these sites. Great job as usual RH! But I didn't need to tell you that.

"So it all comes down to this, doesn't it? Does the wand in your hand know it's last master was Disarmed? Beacause if it does...I am the true master of the Elder Wand."

"And quite honestly, I've had enough trouble for a lifetime."

~Harry Potter

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mangawolf

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Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:59 am

mangawolf says... · Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:59 am

I loved this. I can just hear the tone in my head and it's lovely. Hilarious. This should be in a book I'm reading called Unicorns vs. Zombies. Have you by chance read it?

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kimkim10101

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Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:34 pm

kimkim10101 says... · Mon Apr 18, 2011 6:34 pm

I loved your story very interesting!!! You did a great job!!!:)

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