whimsy

Spoiler

Partnered with Rosey Unicorn for the Poetry Pairs Contest. Any feedback would be much appreciated.

overhead

beaded
balloons swing softly on curtain
breezes as sunlight filters through a pane of
sugarspun by bottle-feet and sets to-light a dance of fire
flies on strings that thrum with songs for winding
chimes and ringing prisms

rainbows spill from
strings of circus pearls
that twirl each gust
_____un-till the blur of colour set
_____ravelling to wilderness
and come to rest on balmy breaths that
rustle hardwood leaves
outside my window

I liked this poem a lot. I usually don't like poems that don't rhyme and cut the sentences in seemingly random places but I really liked this one even though it did cut off into different lines suddenly and didn't rhyme what-so-ever I still felt that it had rhythm, which is hard to accomplish. You and your partner-in-crime did very well together.
Now if only poems like this were in our school textbooks then maybe I would enjoy the poetry unit a bit more

I like very much how one line kind of leads into the next - they're all so tied in together that you couldn't stop partway through the poem (at least not in the middle of a stanza) because the thought would be incomplete. Interesting. And very nice imagery.

~Blue

I like it! One thing. To me it seems like one giant sentence. What happened to the commas and the period? Was that intentional not to have them? I loved the imagery and could clearly see it in my head. I didn't understand this line though.

ravelling to wilderness

It sounds nice, but I couldn't picture it. What exactly does it mean? Otherwise I really liked it! Good luck in the contest!

Hi Kyll and Rosey. Lavvi in to review.

Oh, this is pretty. As BlueAfrica has already stated, the imagery is wonderful. I could say everything about the poem is very...wispy. Wispy and light and flighty, perhaps. It's kind of relaxing, but it also makes you wonder if there's something else underneath, y'know?

It's like a dream to me. Half-formed, but still there. I imagine an artistic landscape of things you can't actually have in this world.

sugarspun by bottle-feet and sets to-light a dance of fire

This line seems a little too wordy for me, but then I could just be making things up.

Very whimsical...er, title suits

Lavvi

Hi! I am here as requested in an attempt to say something helpful.

The imagery was pretty! (And it wasn't just the mention of rainbows, though that is an added bonus!) Rosey said you two were careful with your word choices, and honestly, I could tell! And I love it! Each words seems to belong in this poem, and I wouldn't change any word to anything else.

I'm not sure I'm a fan of the hyphenated words in this poem. They felt really clunky to me. I had a hard time working around them. (I don't understand why "un-till" is hyphenated as it is either.)

And in the first stanza, my mind had a hard time following. Mainly this area:

sugarspun by bottle-feet and sets to-light a dance of fire
flies on strings that thrum with songs for winding
chimes and ringing prisms

That first line here really hurt my head, and thus, I had a hard time figuring out the other two. I'm not sure why, and maybe it has something to do with those hyphenated words? Actually, it might be sugarspun. xD I've no idea what that is, and even googling it didn't help me understand.

Otherwise, it's a very pretty and peaceful poem. =) Good luck in the contest! I'm sure you'll give the others a run for their money!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I loved it, and what more is there to say. i am speechless and this is my favorite type of poem. So good job

- I like this poem! Ha! But I am confused about this kind of pattern. I like the descriptive poem itself, but I think I am really comfortable with the rhyming poem, haha! And also about the style (how it looks like) sorta made me feel like an alien about it. Haha! Anyway, good job there! I hope your collaboration will win the contest!

love,
CS