Based On a Dream.....

Somewhere amidst the aquamarines,

Where the breeze never plays without a hint of its presence,

The golden dust sways in the wind by the sunlight,

A piece of perfection it can be named,

But what's masked counts in illusion,

As a bloody soul enters the territories,

To cool down the shivers running down the spine,

A drop of tear escapes from the eye,

Rested on my finger as it glistened,

Knew it that it wasn't a cry or trocoma,

But as i drew nearer to the water and saw my reflection,

Horror struck, i saw the face unusually known,

The same violet eyes but the bloody scar,

That ran from my left brow and off to my left cheeck,

Frightened, with trembling fingers retraced it,

Couldn't feel anything but as i beheld my fingers with bloody stains,

Something struck me like a tumor in my brain,

And as i glued my eyes i saw,

Battles in darkness and morbid scenes from the past,

Panicking, i opened my eyes with a horse racing heartbeat,

But the worse was about to happen,

A grey mist was evoking,

Bloody rose beds were a new birth of beauty in ugly,

Their sweet scent stinging in my nose,

And as i approached them, they were hiding the graves,

Grey plates soaked in dew,

A sudden urge grasped me from inside,

To pluck one and feel what its like brushing against my bloodless skin,

In roman letters it beacame clear,

The roses were concealing a great fear,

And as i read it out, the world around me swayed and my vision blurred,

The words were written clear on the earth

"Dare to fulfill your desires

Till the numbness takes the shape of fire"

Wow. This was impressive and very unique. It really drew me in and made me want to read more. I like the flow of it, though I didn't like it whens ome lines rhymed and others didn't. But that's just my opinion, and I don't know much about poetry. I just wanted to say that I really liked this, and I think it adds depth because it was based on a dream.
Thanks for the wonderful read,
Dai

Hey Saman,

First thing I'd like to comment on is your sentence structure: there's a lot of places where you've twisted it up and down and generally contorted it into phrases that sound completely awkward. Generally speaking, writing 'normally' makes for something that is a lot more enjoyable to read and flows more naturally, which helps the reader a lot with keeping with the poem.

On a related note, you could perhaps try to poke at your punctuation a bit. A comma at the end of each line is 1. unnecessary, and 2. completely destructive to the flow. Same idea as with structure: punctuate the way you would if this were just prose. Right now you're forcing the reader to stagger to a stop at the end of each line when it would sometimes be more natural to continue right on to the next, which has the inconvenient side-effect of jolting us straight out of any atmosphere you might have been building.

Secondly, you might want to revise some of your imagery and phrasing. Lots of sentences are just formulated weirdly, even if I'm not taking the grammar in account (e.g. "A drop of tear escapes from the eye", "the face unusually known", "a horse racing heartbeat", etc), and making those a bit smoother would improve the overall experience.

Hope this helps.

Hi, Shadow here. Just one thing to say about this. I'll spoiler it.

Spoiler

Wow! This is simply amazing. You have a unique way of writing and I do believe this shows it. Like I said, this is simply amazing, that's all there is to be said. Keep up the good job, and if you need anything else reviewed, I'd be more than happy to take a look at it for you. Great job. 'Like'.

~Forsakinshadow~

Somewhere amidst the aquamarines, -- aquamarine is rather an adjective, but I suppose you can turn it into a noun as well.
Where the breeze never plays without a hint of its presence,
The golden dust sways in the wind by the sunlight,
A piece of perfection it can be named, -- this sounds quite confusing, what does "it" refer to?
But what's masked counts in illusion[no comma needed]
As a bloody soul enters the territories[no comma]
To cool down the shivers running down the spine.

(begin new stanza here)
A drop of tear escapes from the eye,
Resting on my finger while glistening.
Knew itthatit wasn't a cry or trocoma,
But as I drew nearer to the water and saw my reflection.

(new stanza)
Horror struck, I saw the face unusually known,
The same violet eyes but the bloody scar[no comma]
That ran from my left brow and off to my left cheek,
Frightened, with trembling fingers retraced it, -- who retraced it? missing subject.
Couldn't feel anything but as I beheld my fingers with bloody stains,
Something struck me like a tumor in my brain,
And as I glued my eyes I saw,
Battles in darkness and morbid scenes from the past,
Panicking, I opened my eyes with a horse racing heartbeat,
But the worse was about to happen.

A grey mist was evoking,
Bloody rose beds were a new birth of beauty in ugly,
Their sweet scent stinging in my nose,
And as i approached them, they were hiding the graves,
Grey plates soaked in dew,
A sudden urge grasped me from inside[no comma again]
To pluck one and feel what its like brushing against my bloodless skin,
In Roman letters it beacame clear,
The roses were concealing a great fear,
And as I read it out, the world around me swayed and my vision blurred,
The words were written clear on the earth
"Dare to fulfill your desires
Till the numbness takes the shape of fire."

Okay, so for one, you should remove that empty space between lines. It is pain to the eyes, it makes it harder for me to focus on your poem. You might also want to separate this into stanzas.
Secondly, you wrote commas too many times, and in places where there should not be any punctuation marks.
Other than this, your poem is a good start and a potentially great poem.

Keep on writing!

Hello there. I am here for the review as asked. It is a good piece with good use of words and imagery but it would be better if you had broken it into stanzas and used a little less commas. There are rhymes in the poem i noticed but the huge lines makes the reader forget the rhymes. Some nitpicks for you. I hope it helps.

Somewhere amidst the aquamarines,

Where the breeze never plays without a hint of its presence,

The golden dust sways in the wind by the sunlight, The gold dust sways in the wind by sunlight

A piece of perfection it can be named, Confused. Eh!

But what's masked counts in illusion, But what is masked counts in illusion

As a bloody soul enters the territories, As a bloody soul enters the territory

To cool down the shivers running down the spine,

A drop of tear escapes from the eye,

Rested on my finger as it glistened, It rests on my finger as it glistened

Knew it that it wasn't a cry or trocoma, Knew that it wasn't a cry or tracoma

But as I drew nearer to the water and saw my reflection,

Horror struck, I saw the face unusually known, unusually known. I like it.

The same violet eyes but the bloody scar,

That ran from my left brow and off to my left cheek,

Frightened, with trembling fingers retraced it, I retraced it or something like that.

Couldn't feel anything but as I beheld my fingers with bloody stains, Couldn't feel anything as I beheld my fingers with blood stains

Something struck me like a tumor in my brain,

And as I glued my eyes I saw,

Battles in darkness and morbid scenes from the past,

Panicking, I opened my eyes with a horse racing heartbeat, horse racing heartbeat doesn't sound good.

But the worse was about to happen,

A grey mist was evoking,

Bloody rose beds were a new birth of beauty in ugly, Confused again.

Their sweet scent stinging in my nose, Their sweet scent stinging my senses?

And as I approached them, they were hiding the graves, What graves?

Grey plates soaked in dew,

A sudden urge grasped me from inside,

To pluck one and feel what it's like brushing against my bloodless skin,

In roman letters it became clear,

The roses were concealing a great fear,

And as I read it out, the world around me swayed and my vision blurred,

The words were written clear on the earth

"Dare to fulfill your desires

Till the numbness takes the shape of fire"

I am looking forward for more of your work.
Keep writing.

wow. It really felt like i was there watching this! I loved the way you wrote that, really pulling me into the story. I really liked your descriptions creating the dream-like story. Well done

Gosh! I wish I knew how to write like this.. I hate getting writer's block..
I can never figure out how to write my poems that make sense.