Blackened Runes - Chapter Three

Removed.

'Ello there!

Please forgive the crudeness of this review. I haven't reviewed anything since before Christmas and I seen that YWS was trying to reach a goal of 500 reviews so I thought I'd get back on here and help. Anyways, I haven't read the previous chapters so I'm just going to comment on this and that? Okay? Perfect!

Description:

Ah, that thing that helps bring a novel into life. There is enough description [although normally I'd ask you to describe the rooms in which the characters are in. But I am to assume you have done so in previous chapters] to keep most people satisfied. Although I was curious to why your MC twitched so much. Nervous habit of hers?

Character Thoughts:

Maybe it's just me and the books I've been reading [if so, please ignore this part], but I think you could go with some more character thoughts. I mean, you have lots. Enough actually....It's just I feel like if you allowed your MC's mind out a little more freely, she could probably bring your story to life even more. It sounds good, she has a nice voice from what I've gathered from this chapter, but try and give her more thought.

Other Things:

Okay, for lack of better...Title xD

You need a 'marker' of sorts between:

Ariana glared down at it. 'Explode when stepped on' was what the sequence of symbols meant. Was the boy seriously trying to frighten her? If so, he'd only made her more determined to stay.

And:

"Mrs. Lynn."

Just so your reader knows that scenes have changed. I had to read it twice to make sure I didn't scroll down to far xD Just put a little ~~~~ marker or something just to let your readers know.

Overall:

Considering I have no clue to what the story is about, what had happened previously, or anything in fact, I liked this chapter. It was a little short [for a chapter in a novel] but I liked your MC's voice. She reminds me of a thief or sneak or something XD The young master reminds me of a mischievous child and his father like a cryptic old man. I like it. You've got some talent and I hope you manage to finish this!

I hope I helped a little bit and didn't ramble on for no reason. Maybe I'll go read the previous chapters---> If my eyes didn't hurt from staring at the screen. Good luck on future chapters!

Meadow

(Yay, finally got around to reading this!)

Poor Ariana :/

Not only is she far away from anyone she knows, she has to care for two very strange boys. I say boys because Aidan's father certainly seems to act his son's age. What an irresponsible father >.< He didn't even know who Ariana was talking about when she said "your son." I don't like him already That man has horrible manners.

She cleared her throat to get her...employer's...attention.

what are the "..." for in this sentence? I can't seem to figure out a role for them. If you're attempting to emphasize how Mr. Marmon doesn't fit this role I would suggest using quotation marks instead.

Anyway, I'm really starting to like Aidan. I don't know why, I've just always had a thing for strange characters like him. Though I can't make up my mind if he is a protagonist or an antagonist or just an anti-hero. For the moment, he seems to be leaning towards being a protagonist or at least in that category (Ariana is the main protagonist after all). I will wait to find out!

~Blood

Hey, hey, hey! Walker here with my next review ;D.

And I'm pretty excited to see whats in store! So, seeing as I believe you already know my structure, I'll just get to it!

Grammar and Punctuation/Nit-Picks:

Whining teapots.

Its not usually the teapot that makes the noise, but the kettle. Maybe change teapots to kettles?

Slurp, slurp slurp. Ariana twitched,

Old men usually don't slurp. Its a little bit... childish. Maybe you could write 'he sipped noisely' or something like that. The slurping just rubs me the wrong way.

'You mean Aidan''? Was the man serious?

Don't have your character jump to judge so quickly. Maybe he had more than one son. She shouldn't just assume that Aidan is the only child. That being said, a reaction like that would be perfectly normal for someone who has more than one kid. Its not normal for someone who has only one kid, but she shouldn't know that already.

He gave her a list of duties (to which she replied with a grimace) and sauntered off. To where, Ariana didn't care.

That all, unfortunately, should be one sentence. Use a comma instead of a period.

"Is that me you're talking about, Mrs. Lynn?"

You should change this to 'For me? Is that what you're talking about?" It connects to the dialogue above it much better for it directly answers what Miss Lynn hadn't said.

And that is all for my nit-picks section!

Setting and Description:

You are still lacking in these areas. Try and flesh out this story a bit more. It might help someone like myself take it more seriously as a piece of literature than something or contemporary fantasy. That being said, I'm not saying you aren't improving. I saw vast improvement in this chapter and it made me rather happy to see it! I can't wait to watch you grow as an author.

But I still want to see you add some more descriptions, especially on the settings if thats alright with you ;D.

Plot:

I'm starting to see a few things coming through. Firstly, I'm trying to assess what 'runes' are. You don't give us a just and accurate showing of what we should understand runes to be. Thats something I would add. As a reader, its confusing trying to understand the severity of a sheet of paper with runes on it. From what I can tell, they do something. I would love to understand it on a more deeper level though, but from what I've been given so far, all I really know about runes is the small tid-bits you gave about it in this chapter.

Other than that, you do have an interesting storyline coming through. I'm excited to read more, thats for sure!

Character Developement:

I'm pretty much stuck with the same ideas of the characters you have. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be expecting, personality wise because the plot moves so fast and the characters who move with it appear to be pretty... well, not as rounded as I'm sure you'd like them to be.

A good way of fixing this would be to add more dialogue.

You have a lot of things happen, but we don't get very indepth conversations. I've read chapters of books that were just conversation because its so necessary and so important for a characters growth and for a readers understanding. Given your characters ups and down; flaws and good abilities. All these things will help with the flow of dialogue, and the dialogye with help the reader understand what you're trying to put forth.

That being said, I think you should really take some time and try to shape your characters in your mind. Make a skeleton. What do you want your character to be like? What do you want people to precieve your character to do? Its important that that should be done or someone like myself will read it and think your plot amazing but your characters flat and unoriginal.

Overall:

I'm getting more and more into this story everyday. In fact, I wish I could review the next chapter right this instant as my patience is rather ridiculous at times! You have so much potential in your writing and in the way you continue to write that I can't help but get more and more excited.

That and you're growing. Its evidently clear in the transition from the prologue till now. Your writing technique is getting stronger with every paragraph you write. With growth that quick, you'll be a fanastic writer in no time flat.

~Walker

Chapter three!

Small talk and chit chat
It's alright for every day situations, but in a novel you need a bit more background noise. All this chapter seems to do is to highlight a few more mysteries. Yes, it makes me curious, but making your reader ask so many questions at once without giving many answers leaves your reader at a loss. The little snippits of impressions and such that you have in this chapter are things that could easily be put in to other scenes, but on it's own this conversation between the two characters seems a little dry.

Setting:
I did like the random references at the beginning, for such small statements they brought a lot to the setting, but I would still repeat the comments for the previous chapters.

Overall:
I don't really have much else to pick at. Just get those descriptions in! You've proved that you can write them, and write them well, just add more to them.
As for the novel so far I think it's a solid start, I can't wait to see where it goes. Keep up the good work